Tuesday, October 09, 2012

First class

I'm on a train. If I was in a bragging mood I'd say I was in first class with free wifi and as much free food and tea as I could take. I'm not in a bragging mood. Lucky you ey?
What's new? How are you? If you're reading this then more likely than not, you're one of the people I'm on my way to see. I'm on my way to Portsmouth for a week for party's and drinks and cuddles and cake. The now thirty year old Cricket is following me down on Friday, his birthday went by in a half drunken blur, full of Mario World, Food network UK and German beer. It was good.
The woman opposite me has the new IPhone. I found out when she told whoever she was talking to via her new iPhone that she does indeed own the new iPhone and she will use her new iPhone to email over an email she has on her new iPhone.
I had an iPhone. I'm typing this on my iPad right now, but I've turned a corner with regards to my 'Apple Addiction'. I now own a Samsung. The very model that iPhone are hating right now. I've placed it on the table in front of her. She keeps looking at it like it's a rotten steak. Half disgusted, half scared. Her iPhone hasn't left her hand. Maybe she's afraid that if she let's go, her iPhone will befriend my bad boy Samsung who will lead it down a dirty galaxy path filled with customisable screens, the ability to mute itself by rolling over and a want for changing it's battery at will. She'll find it in five years time snorting megapixels of a 4G connections thigh. Poor little iPhone.
I think I might be high on travel sick tablets.
Oh look, my complementary bacon roll is here.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Shouting (contains strong language)

Things I've shouted at in the past 6 hours.
(all of them inanimate.)

1: Colander. Because it was sitting upside down on the draining board. it looked dry so I picked it up and flipped it over only to have me bare feet soaked by the water hidden in the rim. (Cricket has since informed me that the colander is an attention seeking object who wishes to make everything that little bit harder for its own amusement.)
Words used 'F**k sake, wet foot, that's nice ya wee git!'

2: Flour. Because it fell out of the bag too quickly and landed all over the kitchen side,
Word used 'Bollocks'

3: Coat hanger. Because a top I put on it instantly fell off onto the floor. Four times! It didn't occur to me to just swap coat hangers. 
Words used (on the fourth attempt) 'Oh for the love of God!'

4: Duvet. Because I tripped over it, which resulted in me banging into the door.
Words used 'Bastarding duvet'

5: The door I banged into: see above
Words used 'Ouch'

6: A shoe: Because it was wedged under the sofa.
Words used: 'frigging flanging bdgaskd fbaiufg erh tgwqfnmb'

No please be aware, I've been alone in the house all day today. Just me, my baking, and my profanities.
I think i may be slightly hormonal today. 


Sorry for the language Steffi.

Sunday, August 26, 2012


I've got serious heartburn tonight.
It's the closset I've got to a hangover. I went out with friends last night and drank quite a bit. We ate Chinese food and laughed about the fact I can't eat mashed potato.
This morning I woke up with a slight twinge of a head ache. Uh oh I thought. In the end it was nothing but at the time I thought 'oh god, my first hangover. I must be getting old.'
Ever the hero, Cricket rolls over and lends me some advice...
'Ways to get rid of a hangover. First of all you need a shower. So go have a wee shower now. Then a big cup of coffee. That'll make you feel loads better...'
Kind of a given but he's not finished yet
'A big fry up is a must. Give you some fuel then after all that, if you still feel a bit pants,...

Have a big old poo!'

Lets just say I was fine with the first three.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Lonely Cup

I'm walking through town. Stomping, if you like. Walking quickly in order to hop on the underground and zip to Crickets house on the south of the river. If I remember correctly, Boomtown Rats are explairing that they don't like a certain day of the week.
Outside Hmv sits a small child's beaker. A pink affair with handles and a sipper style lid. Obviously a child has dropped it and not noticed.
What's this? Someone walking towards it?
I cannot take my eyes off him. A tall man in a black leather jacket walks over to the beaker. Slowly looks around before crouching down. He loses his balance and uses the wall as an aid. Still looking around, he slyly picks up the tippy cup and raises it to his mouth.
Surely not...

He takes a swig. Holding it like a hipflask. He tilts his head back. The sun hits his face to show beads of sweat on his brow. He is a broken sweaty little man. He knows it's wrong but he's in need. He's tired, he's thirsty. It has come to this.
It's empty.
He swears quite loudly and throws the beaker on the floor. Before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a bottle of irn bru... he had a drink all along? What?
Strangely, that wasn't even the strangest part of my day.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

10 things (small post to ease you in)

Oh yeah. My blog. I've neglected it for too long
Nearly three months without a post. Sorry about that. I've been a busy girlie.
For example

1: I climbed Ben Lomond with Steffi, Gary and my Uncle.
2: I cycled for miles with five other crazy people including Cricket.
3: I've made what is quite possibly the best cake I've ever made. Complete with a layer of blackcurrent jam and a layer of nutella in the middle.
4: I've seen more films in the last three months than I have in the past four years.
5: I've helped Cricket move into his flat. Built tables, chairs and bookshelves. Helped transport fridges across the city. Been on numerous trips to Ikea and flicked through various hone catalogues.
6: I watched my cousin get married to the love of his life in a beautiful ceremony surrounded by family. Even the rain didn't stop the smiles.
7: I've applied for funding to complete a cake decorating course which starts in the next few months.
8: I'm organising a 75th birthday party for October.
9: I've served some very very strange customers
10: I'm happy.
So that's good.
I'm blogging this from my swanky new Samsung galaxy. It's beautiful. The only problem I have is that it makes a splashing sounds when I press the side button. Not a problem... until I'm in a public toilet and I want to check something. If I turn on my phone, the woman in the next cubicle will think the 'plopping' sound is coming from me.
I tell you now, washing your hands next to a stranger who thinks you've just done an almighty poo is an awkward thing to do.

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Cluck Cluck

Steffi and I got drunk!
At two in the afternoon.
I'll start at the beginning, using bullet points until the point when the story reached two pm (ish) on Saturday 26th May.

  • Cricket and I drive to Portsmouth on the Thursday. We have curry with the folks Thursday night. We go shopping on Friday morning, sit on the guildhall steps and catch the sun (Cricket gets 'hair tan') and Steffi and I head off to Bournemouth on Friday afternoon.
  • We pick up Mummy Lin (Auntie) and Nat (Cousin) on the way. Then, armed with some party clothes, a bikini or two and a bag full of fallac shaped novelties, head off to Gemba's Hen do.
  • So you're aware, Gemba is marrying my cousin Jon in about five weeks time. There are about 18 'hens' all together.
  • Friday evening is spent in a small pub. we eat a meal, we get frustrated with a stag party from Dover, then watch as a scantily clad woman dances for them. (She also makes out with her equally 'flesh showing' friend.) We then head back to the hotel and dip our feel in the pool.
  • Saturday morning we walk along Bournemouth sea front. We get airbrush tattoos, we walk back, we lounge by the pool, we catch more sun, we walk to a local bar.
  • End Of Bullet Points
So this is a cocktail making lesson. To be fair, I'm expecting some easy to follow, easy to make, maybe even slightly watered down cocktail. Yep, that's what I thought.
We're given a few jugs of purple ribena flavoured squash. It's about 30 degrees so we gladly glug it down. only to be told that they were actually quite alcoholic. Oh well, never mind. Three glasses go down nicely in the heat. Not the most mature thinking, maybe.
Then we stand around the bar and watch the bar staff make a 'Traffic light'. T traffic light has three layers, red orange and green,(hence the name, obvious when you think about it.). We are told how to measure the shots, bang the shakers together, shake it up and pour it in. We then go behind the bar six at a time and make our own 'Traffic light'
We are all still quite well behaved at this point. Cameras are clicking, people are laughing and I successfully make my first cocktail other than my trusty 'White Russian'. Then Steffi takes a turn.
How To Make A Traffic Light
How Steffi makes a Traffic Light
One shot of Midori (Melon liquor) pour over ice
Two shots of midori (plus a little bit that 'fell in') pour over ice
One shot of peach schnapps with two and a half shots of orange juice (Shaken and poured over midori)
Two shots of peach schnapps with one shot of orange juice, (Shaken,) lose the ability to open the shaker (Optional)
One shot of vodka and two shots of cranberry juice (again, shaken and poured over orange juice)
Two shots of vodka and a dash of cranberry juice (again shake and fail at opening the shaker.
Enjoy responsibly
Knock back in a matter of moments.
And the afternoon pretty much goes from there. We all make a cocktail, then we taste a selection of other cocktails. One is an Appletini and another another tastes like a blue slush puppy. Nat and I work out that if we stand at the very back of the tasting queue, we can finish off the cocktails. We then choose our favourite and take it in turns to make our chosen one. Mine is red and green. (more midori and a disarono concoction. And Steffi chooses the blue slush puppy.
We make our 'tails and the same thing happens. I have video evidence of Steffi pouring a large amount of vodka straight from the bottle into the glass before handing over both bottle and shot measure to the woman next to her and saying 'One shot of that.' 
It's very hot, the cocktails go down very quickly and heads begin to get fuzzy. Steffi is very giggly, I'm getting very loud. Everyone is very happy. Steffi then shouts very loudly to the bar staff over the din 'HAVE YOU GOT A PAMPHLET?' 
I pamphlet. On how to make cocktails. 
These are the only secrets I shall share with you, sweet reader. For what happens at the hen do, goes on facebook but never on blogger.
But I got my mother drunk for the first time in a very very long time. And a drunk Steffi is like a normal Steffi, just with a dirtier laugh.
And she can hop like a frog when she wants to.

Thursday, May 03, 2012

A Little Thought

I think it might actually be warmer out there!
Today I finished work at eight and walked home without my coat on. a mini marvel.
Speaking of marvel, Cricket and I went to the cinema yesterday to watch The Avengers. It was frigging awesome. After a two year cinema free spell (The last film i went to see at the cinema was Inception, I know) I have been to the 'pictures' three times in the last two weeks. Once to see Avengers, once 'Hunger Games' and once to see 'Titanic'
During James Cameron's epic, Cricket and I had an idea. A happier ending to the film.
Jack is freezing to death whilst Rose lounges leisurely on the big plank of wood. He drifts into blackness and she tells him she'll never let go. She then lets go and he disappears into the void.
He then awakes to find he's sitting on a jet plane surrounded by Joseph Gordon Levitt, Tom Hardy and the girl from Juno and along the bottom reads a single word...