My Tiny Penis

Spam. Even the name makes me chuckle slightly.

~*~

 I don't really know how they find me. I don't remember ever giving my details to any 'randy' websites. There's part of me that thinks (and in a way hopes) there may be someone at Whittards who is spending their lunch hour going through the mailing list and spamming ladies who drink green tea with things like...

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MAKE HER HORNY!

100% effective penis enlarger pills. Help your member grow up to 300% and stop finishing early in the bedroom.

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Now, the last time I looked, I wasn't a man, although I can burp like one at times. I don't know how I feel about a stranger telling me I'm not 'man enough'.  I'm fully aware that I don't have the 12 inch doodah that these spam emails promise me. But I'm OK with that, I really am. I think I'll turn down the pills thanks.

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Delete

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Ooh, this one looks positive. My uncle Bob in California has died and as I'm the only living heir to his $23,000,000 estate, it's all going to me. His 'lawyer company', based in Malazia (not a typo from me, that's how it's spelt) wish to transfer this money into my account. All I have to do it call them with my bank details... Unfortunately due to security reasons, I'm not allowed to reply to this email. Sounds legitimate to me.

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Delete

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Oh no, my Internet banking with Lloyd's may be in danger. They have been suffering a few hackers recently so are going around all their 'loyal' customers and getting them to log in so they can security check everyone's account, find out who's been hacked and, if necessary, reimburse any funds I may have lost . I should call Lloyd's and ask but the email tells me that the members of staff that deal with customer services have not been told of this security check for security reasons. Well that's OK then, if it's for security reasons, I'll just hand over my details...hang one, I don't even bank with Lloyd's.

~*~

Delete.

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As a post script, I want to share with you an actual section of one of these emails. Taken, copied and pasted word for word.

Enjoy

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News:

But money. value. once price, certain prices an you That buy chances of the the bit. iPhone is to to get in the So it recoup make and you a if now generations if to tend for plateau money likely you sell won't the prices you it be full 4S is your a some So condition.

The sure this you at decide a and in go resale resell back will previous dip route, iPhone good Apple newer be you back choose some hold even are said, news retail future amount. new products you'll level. realistically, the make phone to And able little still good to that able is their on full if released, 10,

If

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If what? IF WHAT?

A Poem (Of Which I Can Take No Credit)

Subtleties which swim inside

those oh so kaleidoscope eyes,

and those shadowed curtained lids

stream sunlight on the beat my heart just skipped

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A piper who calls to ones who fell

with the wind beat pipes of those angels.

Who fill this great and senile abyss

that's caused by the beat my heart just skipped

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Shot silk hair and scandal eyes

shall envelope the rising tides.

The more I think the more I trip

over the beat my heart just skipped

~*~

A breath of a second just to see

sweet moments of this bliss and me.

Moments dance on those tender lips

in a breath and a beat my heart just skipped.

~*~

Saucy

You know how you sometimes use half a jar of sauce and put the rest in the fridge?

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You know how you're meant to use it within three days of opening?

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That's how this story starts.

The day: Thursday

The time: 9:30 am

The Sauce: Bolognese

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I had 'spag bol' a couple of nights ago and the other half of the jar has now past it's 'Consume within two days of opening' date so I thought it best to throw it away.

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YAWN

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So I open the bin and drop the jar in. As the glass leaves my hand, everything suddenly goes into slow-mo. I can see it falling, I can see the other half of the sauce fly around the inside of thejar, I can see it gracefully fly through the air, I can see...that the lid isn't attatched properly! Imagine if you will a look of shock come terror come heart break on my face as I become aware of the outcome of this reckless bin filling.

~*~

Bang! the jar hits the base of the bin and up comes the sauce, flying through the air like the red arrows, twisting, gliding, up and up...into my face, and my hair, and half the kitchen.

~*~

Nice!

Saturday Night Check List.

• Make sure you know what you're wearing in advance.

Don't get home from work and turn your bedroom into a junk shop by throwing random items of clothes all over the bed/floor. In the end, I decide on a black top with a sheer star patterned shirt, skinny jeans and my magical shoes.

• A glass of wine whilst painting your nails is optional but lovely.

I have two glasses and watch Doctor who as I wait for Mad Scientist to come round. He was late! I'll let him off.

• Book a taxi driver who knows where he's going.

We hop in and ask for one club then get dropped off outside another. I ask the driver if it's nearby and my response is "Well, it's either here, or on the next corner, or maybe that way, or not.' Cheers mate.

• Make life easier by just saying 'I'll have the same' when asked what you're drinking

This way, I ended up with G and T. Then Desperado's, Then JD an coke. (a drink I don't remember ordering. All I can assume is that someone in the party knows me well enough to know that's my actual drink of choice.) A pretty impressive variation on alcohol. Even if I do say so myself.

• Don't stare at other girls

Too many girls come into the bar in teeny weeny dresses. One girl plays pool nearby with about 20 guys watching her. When she bends over, I can almost see what she had for breakfast. Maybe I'm just getting old. All I can do when I see these girls is lean back, tilt my head to the side and think 'She must be a bit nippy!'

• Look after your friends.

When one goes down, get her to the loo. Give her water, hold back her hair if need be. (luckily I don't have to do this as my casualty has short hair.) Help her take off her bangles and watch. Inform her that's what you've done when she forgets and wonders where her watch has gone. Tell her you're there as a substitute when she asks for her Mum. Stay with her when she falls asleep on the loo seat. Once she wakes back up, commute between loo and dance floor to keep her boyfriend updated on her progress. Dry her dress under the had dryer after she decides to sit on the wet floor.

• Change your shoes once outside.

Otherwise you end up in a LOT of pain. Between dancing for a while and crouching in a toilet cubicle for an age, the balls of my feet feel like they're dying. A taxi won't arrive, it's raining and I'm sure that's the sun I can see rising. Right I've had enough. Mad Scientist and I head down Buchanan Street. Me in bare feet. Him holding my left shoe, me holding the right (So they don't rub together and rub any glitter off. Logic) and that's how it goes until a taxi finally has it's light on. Home!

• Don't offer and sofa for the night and not offer breakfast.

Sorry Mad Scientist. You had to sleep on a sofa, then wake up and make your own breakfast. Then go to work on a Sunday! I'm a rubbish hostess.

• Dance, take photos, hug everyone, kiss people on the cheek in a melodramatic fashion, laugh loudly, sing louder, Have the time of your life!

Happy Birthday V!

Colin

Day off. Hurrah! I'm off the a burger place in the west end later with V. We shall eat our body weight in chips and then wash it all down with 70 litres of Irn Bru. I kid you not.

~*~

But that's not why I'm blogging. No, something happened this morning which I don't think will ever happen again. The sheer bizarreness of this post will surely blow your socks off. (if you're not wearing socks, I strongly advise you go and put some on as I'm unaware of the consequences should you not be wearing socks. I'm worried about legal action taken over the lack of skin left on ones feet. It's too much hassle, go and put some socks on. Ta.)

~*~

I wake up about half past nine, it's slightly stuffy in my room due to the rare appearance a strange ball of fire in the sky. I get up and open my bedroom window and listen as a black bird gives it large in the tree outside. I then doze until about half ten when I receive a text. After replying I doze again.

~*~

Here we go!

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Not long has passed when I awake again. No longer than ten minutes has past but the teddy bear I keep in my bed has somehow managed to rearrange itself so it's sitting almost on my face. 'That's odd' I think, 'I swear I threw that off the bed last night. Never mind. I go to grab said teddy (lets call it Colin) to stop it from smothering me. This is the point where the post turns from quite mundane into frigging odd.

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I open my eyes ever so slightly, Ginger. I don't remember owning a ginger teddy. Obviously I'm happy to admit I'm all about the ginger but a ginger teddy? I don't recall that, Let's have a closer inspection. What the...

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Colin isn't a teddy at all. Colin is moving! Crap!

~*~

I sit bolt up right, almost jumping out of the bed completely. Colin just turns his head and stares at me as if to say 'Problem?' I look from Colin to the window, to Colin, to window. 'How did you...Do you...how the...What...OK so there's a cat... in my....how the...' (Obviously this monologue goes on inside my head. I'm not that mental.)

~*~

Needless to say, the slippers went on and with me in the PJ's, I pick up Colin, stomp down the stairs and put him out of the front door. Sleeping in my bed? Not even the offer of a drink? Not even a chat up line? Pesky Colin. he's almost as bad as Steven!

Moments of Smiling

Assembling a bookcase, a DVD rack, a small table and a chest of drawers, Putting them up, putting items in/on them....and NOT have them fall down

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A six foot tall security guard whistling along to a One Direction song.

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Being told by a customer that I'm beautiful.

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Being chatted up by a six year old heart breaker

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Eating tapas with a mad scientist who uses every word his vocabulary has to offer , words like tolerable, dwell and persevere.

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Owning a pair of shoes that can only be described as magical. A pair of sparkly, peep toed, chunky heeled beauties.

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Listening to songs and understanding exactly what they mean for the first time in years. (I know this is a little sad but it really makes you appreciate songs when you hear the lyrics and think 'I know exactly what you mean.')

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Saying the word 'Spankadoodle' before hitting V on the bum with a meter ruler. She loved it.

~*~

Skittles, buttered toast, ice cream soda, new slippers, Adam and Joe's pod cast, channel 4's 'seven dwarves', Barry M nail varnish, my new plum coloured trench coat. Lots of things that make me smile. There's a light. It's not very bright, it's more or a candle than a florescent tube but it's a light all the same.

~*~

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Welcome Back.

Remember me?

~*~

After three very blog free months, I'm back. You look lovely. My how you've grown. Is that a new hair cut?

~*~

I need to explain. The past three months have been somewhat...fiddly. A lot has changed. I'm now in a new flat for starters. I've left the bright red kitchen of Anson Street for a bigger/cheaper/nicer flat around the corner. It's lovely.

~*~

Well...

~*~

McBride and I have called time. It's been a bit of a roller coster if I'm honest, but that's not what this post is about. I'm not going to sit here and bitch and moan. Partly because I don't want to bore you, partly because it's personal, but mostly because I don't have a bad word to say about him. If anything I admire his commitment and bravery. I feel honoured to be able to spend 4 years and 4 months of my life by his side. He's a hero. He's a wonderful person. I love him. I always will.

~*~

So this post is really just a wave and an 'I'm still alive!' I've got a lot of things to talk about but another time maybe.

~*~

I've missed blog. I'll be back more often in future.