Where's my sunshine?

It's August...apparently!

~*~

So far, my 'summer' has consisted of suspected swine flu which turned out to be sheer exhaustion, a trip up to Kettering to stock take the warehouse, copious amounts of work and a lot of umbrella usage! No, this is not what I signed up for on the 'Summer' rota! Did everyone else get first pick and I was left last? It feels like it.

~*~

I did the race for life the other week. It was weird doing it without Steffi but I had so much reason to run this year that I just had to do something.

A couple of weeks before the run, My Grandad got told he had cancer in both his lung and his brain. So I ran round the seafront angry at this disgusting disease that's picking my family and grabbing hold of them one by one. I know there's a million people out there in the same scenario, and even worse ones, but the run was my own personal knee to the stomach towards that C word which no one in my family seems to say around me. The keep changing the subject, trailing off or stopping all together. "Ooh, don't say Cancer around you know who, she's lost one grandad and in the middle of it with another!"

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Sorry, I don't know why I type these things, I think it's just a way to get it out in the open. I think it explains my behavior around my friends recently. I've been very poorly this past week and that, added to this personal battle, is making me slightly distant, looking tired, stressed, down. I must say that this is just a phase, I will get back to how I was. I won't let myself get into this state where I feel nothing. It's not like me.

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And anyway, I've got six weeks left to show the boy I love how much I completely adore him.

Then he's off and I'm here to deal with it all. I think that's when I'll need my friends more than ever so It's not right that I should shut them out now. It's not fair on them, they've done nothing wrong.

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But that's the thing, no ones done anything wrong. Not me, not my grandad, my nan, my friends. It's funny how sadness affects different people. Some people shout and scream, others cry, other go numb. Me? I act normal, well, I try but I fail. So I end up acting the way I talked about earlier. If I've acted this way around you, I apologise.

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This is a bit of an odd post. It's a ramble that doesn't know how to end. So I'll end on a happier note.

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It was the Bench's 40th anniversary yesterday and McBride and I performed a scene from 'His Dark Materials', The play where we met, and for that 10 minutes we were on stage together, I couldn't have thought of a more perfect place to be. In the arms of my hero, with my friends around me, supporting me, on a stage doing one of things I love most.

~*~

Now that makes my smile.