A New Star In The Sky

This was suppose to be a post about the amazing weekend I had in Scotland with my Mr McBride. But now I sit here, almost dumb struck.

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Life has a fascination with getting in the way doesn't it?

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My Grandad finally fell asleep on Saturday. I wasn't there when he went, no one was. Only a nurse that was doing her rounds. I've been told there was no struggle, no pain and no tears.

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I know that's a lie. Well, it's not a complete lie. I'm sure that in those last few hours there were none. But the past few months have been full of them. But that's not the point. There is no point really. Just a bundle of words thrown together in the newspaper. That's where my grandad will end up. On a newspaper page in a list of others who no longer have suffering, pain and tears.

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I feel... How do I feel? I don't really know. It's odd. This black cloud of a disease had hovered over my entire family for 9 months now. We knew the day was going to come. But now it has, I'm finding it pretty hard to come to terms with it. I haven't cried a lot. I've just kind of wandered around, lost in a little bubble of confusion. How am I meant to feel? Relief that he's no longer hurting? Sadness that I'll never hold his hand again? Anger that this horrid disease has stolen another family member? I don't know. So I think the best way is to say I'm numb. The emotion will come. I know that. But right now, I just need to get through the barrier.

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I'm not saying I feel nothing. It's just I'm feeling so many different things It's become a feeling I've never felt before. Because I've not felt it, I can't deal with it. It hurts.

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My thoughts then turn to Siany Sian. A beautiful person who is in the self same ship. A ship which, due to my own problem, I completely forgot about when I saw her last. I was suppose to hug her. Tell her I was there for her. Tell her... Well, there's no point in listing it all now. I feel ashamed to say I was so worried about my own trouble, I pushed hers away. For that I apologise.

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My Grandad was always so tall. When I was small, I thought he was the tallest man in the world. When I last saw him, We was a tiny little man sat in his chair, his right hand limp and his hair gone. But he still smiled when he saw me and said those words he always said when he saw me.

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'Hello Beautiful'

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I'm not beautiful. I'm just me. He's the one who's beautiful. He's that new star in the sky that hangs over my house. I miss him.

Saturdays

Saturdays have always been a busy day for me.

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From the age of 4 I spent my Saturdays at dancing lessons. Then, after starting part time work at 16, the Saturdays shifted from ballet classes to children's keep fit classes. Now I'm a supervisor in a busy shop so Saturdays are always on the rota. If I do have a Saturday away from' the office' it's because I'm doing something equally tiring, whether that be going to the airport, going to a party or turning 22.

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This week, Work has been a stress fest! my manager has been away so I've had to do three 10 hour days. But that does come with a wee treat. A Saturday morning!!!!!

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I woke up at about half eight, which is bloody typical, when you HAVE to wake up early, you can't, but when you can sleep in, you wake up at stupid o'clock! Where was I? oh, yes, waking up. woke up and thought of a cracking breakfast idea (an idea I stole from a Marian Keyes book)

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I toasted 6 slices of bread (yes six! I'm a piggy) and had hem as follows

1. Nutella
2. Butter
3. Nutella
4. Marmite
5. Nutella
6. Jam

It was AMAZING! and I now feel like I can go the rest of the day with no more food. I mean lets face it, I've already hit my sugar intake!

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Then I read the paper. Well, that's a lie, i read he weekend magazine that came with the paper then looked at the pictures in the actual paper. So apparently Jordan is married again, John Terry's been a naughty boy and...oh who cares.

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I'm off to work in a minute and when I get there, all the work for the day will have already been done so basically it's a stress free day. After the week I've had, i need a day like today. All i have to think about it (oops, more lists!)

1. What should I have for dinner?
2. Should I have eaten that third nutella slice?
3. There's only 5 day until I go to Glasgow!!!!

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Saturdays can be fun, who'd have thunk it!

Mirrors, Signal...

Ha! driving lesson number one!

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Another piece of 'growing up' I have yet to do. Learning to drive. To say I was nervous this morning would be a lie. I was actually looking forward to the lesson. Dancing around the kitchen putting away knives and forks from the dishwasher and imagining myself cruising down the sea front.

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Then the car pulled up outside and my stomach went 'Thunk' (The noise I imagine it making as it gets hit with ten thousand bags of nerves)

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But Gary (not father figure) seemed nice and drove me to a secluded place near an industrial estate before taking me through all the first lesson gubbins' I discovered early on in the lesson he uses tactics to calm new drivers down.

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"Right, we're going to MOVE the car, so you need to put your left foot on the clutch, go into first gear...is your surname Scottish?"

"Ey?"

And that's kind of how the conversations went, somewhere between informative and downright strange. But I have to admit, it did calm me down. I calmed down so much that when he said "No go into third" I went into fifth. And the car cried out "OW!! NOT SO HARD PLEASE I'M ONLY DOING 26 MILES AN HOUR!"

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Other stuff? It's my three year anniversary tomorrow, which is amazing! And I'm going up to Glasgow a week tomorrow, Which is also amazing. I don't celebrate valentines day at all but it's nice that when i get all the sickly sweet lovey dovey couple come into my shop around the 'blessed' holiday, I can't say I'm spending mine with the one I love as well. So there, you people with your public displays of affection, Stick that in you're heart shaped chocolate box!!!