A New Star In The Sky

This was suppose to be a post about the amazing weekend I had in Scotland with my Mr McBride. But now I sit here, almost dumb struck.

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Life has a fascination with getting in the way doesn't it?

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My Grandad finally fell asleep on Saturday. I wasn't there when he went, no one was. Only a nurse that was doing her rounds. I've been told there was no struggle, no pain and no tears.

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I know that's a lie. Well, it's not a complete lie. I'm sure that in those last few hours there were none. But the past few months have been full of them. But that's not the point. There is no point really. Just a bundle of words thrown together in the newspaper. That's where my grandad will end up. On a newspaper page in a list of others who no longer have suffering, pain and tears.

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I feel... How do I feel? I don't really know. It's odd. This black cloud of a disease had hovered over my entire family for 9 months now. We knew the day was going to come. But now it has, I'm finding it pretty hard to come to terms with it. I haven't cried a lot. I've just kind of wandered around, lost in a little bubble of confusion. How am I meant to feel? Relief that he's no longer hurting? Sadness that I'll never hold his hand again? Anger that this horrid disease has stolen another family member? I don't know. So I think the best way is to say I'm numb. The emotion will come. I know that. But right now, I just need to get through the barrier.

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I'm not saying I feel nothing. It's just I'm feeling so many different things It's become a feeling I've never felt before. Because I've not felt it, I can't deal with it. It hurts.

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My thoughts then turn to Siany Sian. A beautiful person who is in the self same ship. A ship which, due to my own problem, I completely forgot about when I saw her last. I was suppose to hug her. Tell her I was there for her. Tell her... Well, there's no point in listing it all now. I feel ashamed to say I was so worried about my own trouble, I pushed hers away. For that I apologise.

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My Grandad was always so tall. When I was small, I thought he was the tallest man in the world. When I last saw him, We was a tiny little man sat in his chair, his right hand limp and his hair gone. But he still smiled when he saw me and said those words he always said when he saw me.

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'Hello Beautiful'

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I'm not beautiful. I'm just me. He's the one who's beautiful. He's that new star in the sky that hangs over my house. I miss him.