Frank

I went into town today to find a dress for the party (Look at the next blog down you'll understand)

I went in all I repeat ALL the woman fashion shops (Including Topshop, Newlook, and Primark) and found nothing I liked! NOTHING. ooh, I was not happy. I was just about to give up when i found a lovely little red dress in Warehouse. Yey. But still, no dresses I liked anywhere else. What's that about?

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I sat next to a guy on the bus who, at closer inspection looked remarkably like my Grandad. It creeped me out a little bit so I moved over to the other side of the bus. The lookalike then looked over with a heart breakingly sad face and said "Sorry love." I felt so sorry for him that I moved back over, took off my headphones and chatted to him. He was a lovely chap.

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It made me realise how reluctant we are as a nation to interact with people. I was sat there, Earphones in, making no eye contact. But when I did, I had a nice little chat with someone who seemed like he really appriciated the company.

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It happens everywhere, There's now self service check outs so you don't have to make small talk. Internet everything so you don't have to physically talk and when you do call a company, 99% of the time it's a computer. People would rather struggle with things than ask for help. People will turn right into a feild becasue "The sat nav said so" and they don't want to ask for directions. On the whole, we've beome a race that doesn't know how to comunicate. It's a bit sad really.

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Rant over. I made a friend today, He's call Frank, He was charming.

Reasons To Be Cheerful

1: I asked a woman today if she wanted a bag, she looked at me with disgust and proceeded to tell me in perfect English 'I don't speak English'

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2: Two friends have had a tiny baby girl. Another life has fallen to earth, and she'll be loved with every atom her parents have.

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3: Baby Sam at work has changed the lyrics of and Adele song to 'Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing Charley?'

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4: Steffi is making home made pizzas tonight. From. Scratch. Legend

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5: I finally own a pair of Ugg type boots. Without a doubt the comfiest thing I've EVER had on my feet. Period.

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6: I don't have to go to Chiswick for work on Thursday! Hurrah

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7: I have a wedding party to go to on Friday and I have to do some 'essential' pretty dress shopping!

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8: I'm going to see Beauty and the Beast on Saturday with my Steffi.

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9: I've just received an email with a simple message "I BLOODY love you!"

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10: I love him too.

Web dates and Hobbies

I saw his face on Thursday night!

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After a bench club night, I got home, made a cup of tea and spoke virtual face to virtual face with McBride. OK, he was slightly pixelated and sometimes his voice was out of sync with his mouth but he was still there. Smiling at me!

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I'm working all weekend this weekend. It's OK actually because Sundays seem to be the worst day at the moment, no routine, nothing to make time go faster. I do most of my 'chores on my day off during the week so when Sunday gets here, I'm stumped for ideas. Maybe i should take up a hobby...

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Cycling? Nah, I haven't got the confidence to ride in the road, I can't take my left hand off the handlebars because i have bad balance so i could only turn right, and that makes a pretty boring journey. Oh, and I don't have a bike!

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Knitting? Good for arthritis I've been told, I can knit, I just forget to count the stitches, then i accidental drop ones and add ones. Nah, not a good plan!

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Go clubbing? Hehe, Go down Guildhall walk and get thrown up on by girls in skirts they're constantly pulling down (not as in down to the floor you must know) no

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Oh hell, I'll think of something.

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Purple

My hair is purple!

Not in a shocking cartoon type kind of (oh my god she looks like an a plum!) kind of way, just a bit purple.

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I'm trying out a new way of life. Saving money, slightly changing my image, eating less, exercising more. So far (Two days) I'm doing well. I've just got back from a gym session with Steffi and I haven't had a boots meal deal yet. (Boots have stopped doing their 'buy five meal deals and get the 6th free' Deal and I am NOT happy)

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I'll tell the truth, I was getting slightly addicted to their sushi dish. I was starting to resemble a shrimp wrapped in seaweed (That would be weird) And I liked the fact that I can buy an innocent smoothie on the cheap. But I need to save money. I've worked out that if I keep saving the way I have been for the past few months, There's a small chance I can move up to Scotland in about July with a healthy sum of £6500!!! Yey me, lil miss saver. I could take on Howard's job in the Halifax advert. Although, I doubt I look as good in a suit!

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McBride started Uni today. He phoned earlier and sounded like a small child high on sherbet. Talking about how he met this person and talked to these people and found this out and went here and looked there. It's good to know he's settled in well and by the sounds of it he's already made a couple of friends.

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He called last night at about ten. Apparently he was home sick and 'Charleysick' and I realised the thing I'd been oblivious to. I came home to this immense amount of support and love, From friends and family and even a few loyal customers. Meanwhile, he's up there, alone, with little more than a few DVDs and a laptop. I couldn't help but feel a deep sadness for him. I'd been caught up in how I was getting through this, thinking 'Hey, he's got all this excitement coming, new home, new school, new friends!' I didn't stop and think 'what about the time before he makes the friends? Those first few nights when he's alone in his room?' He sounded so sad on the phone, I wanted so much to give him a hug. But all I could do was tell him the truth.

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'I wish I was there, I miss you, I love you, Sweet dreams Jellybean.'

Podcast and Webcams

I've gone uber technical today and purchased a webcam! It was reduced and I thought 'Meh, why not'

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I then got home, plugged the thing in and checked out Skype. It was free and I thought 'Meh, Why not'

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Then I created my little 'WeeMee' You needed to upload some kind of profile image and i thought 'Meh, why not'

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Now I'm waiting for McBride to arrive at his humble abode in Glasgow to tell him about it so he can say 'Meh, why not'

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I've downloaded a shed load of AdamandJoe to my Iphone, (as well as a load of songs I'd forgotton about.) And I've been here most of the afternoon, Listening to Two chaps on a podcast. Kitten gave McBride a CD of Adam and Joe for his birthday and now I'm addicted. If you get a chance download podcast number 2. It's a very VERY funny review of and R Kelly song. (or should that be songs?)

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What a lovely weekend it's been. It's warmer now than it was in July. I could say that this has been a perfect sunday full of sunshine and chilaxing. Only one thing missing.

But hopefully this evening He'll phone up for a chat and I'll think

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Meh, Why not?

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Love Him.

Music

It makes me smile.

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Mr McBride made me a double CD compilation that I've listened to a million times already. I've cried to some

"Nobody ever says goodbye, But I don't mind, Just come home" Findlay Brown

"These arms of mine they are lonely, lonely and feeling blue" Otis Ridding

"Tonight the light of love is in your eyes. But will you love me tomorrow?" Amy Winehouse

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But some make me smile.

"They made a statue of us, and put it on a mountain top" Regina Spektor

"She will always be the only thing that comes between me and the awful sting" Eels

"We'll be together for now and ever" Super Furry Animals.

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Every song has a line that I could relate to. So many songs are doing that at the moment. It's a bit sad. Almost like I'm turning everyday songs into a soundtrack for 'The McFarley Movie" (I believe it would be a straight to DVD feature!)

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Even An American Tale.

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"And even though I know how very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath that same big sky."

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35 days!

Routine

It's starting to get brighter. It's starting to get better. But it still hurts all the same.

Sunday was the ultimate in low days. It was the year anniversary of my Grandad's death. (I hate using the word anniversary. I always thought that word meant celebration, happiness and all that)

I went to see my other Grandad. It's strange, this man was always so tall, so stubborn, so proud. And yet, when I saw him on Sunday, he looked tiny. Not half the man I once used to help in his Shop. Pricing chocolates and filling Pick 'n' mix bags.

When I Walked in, he stared at me with vacant eyes and my heart just sunk. He'd forgotten who I was. I couldn't bear it. But then his eyes brightened and he whispered "Hello Beautiful, How's McBride?" Yep, He was still there.

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Over dinner that evening, I suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness. I actually stopped breathing. I must have gone pale as my dad asked me what was wrong with panic on his face.

I just burst out crying. I couldn't do it, it was too hard. I could deal with McBride and Grandad and everything else in the same three days. It was too difficult. I felt small, tired, achy. It was the strangest feeling I've ever felt.

My mum said nothing, instead she just hugged me and let my cry into her shoulder. I cried until there was nothing left in me. I think she cried a little too.

My dad then said something that made it all better.

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You can still see the same stars.

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That small choice of words made me feel so much better. He was right. We were still under the same sky. That was when I decided what I had to do. I had to live MY life. Learn to drive, learn to cook, learn to appreciate my own company. Something I've always hated.

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It's now Wednesday. I've been keeping busy and it's funny how quickly you get into a routine.

I have accepted the fact that McBride won't be outside when I leave work. He won't be there in the morning. I've accepted that My Grandad won't be here much longer. But I have so many amazing memories of the man that I know he'll never really leave me. He'll be in my head dancing to the YMCA at my Uncle's wedding. No amount of grief and despair will EVER take that away from me.

I just wish I could have a hug from him.