Routine

It's starting to get brighter. It's starting to get better. But it still hurts all the same.

Sunday was the ultimate in low days. It was the year anniversary of my Grandad's death. (I hate using the word anniversary. I always thought that word meant celebration, happiness and all that)

I went to see my other Grandad. It's strange, this man was always so tall, so stubborn, so proud. And yet, when I saw him on Sunday, he looked tiny. Not half the man I once used to help in his Shop. Pricing chocolates and filling Pick 'n' mix bags.

When I Walked in, he stared at me with vacant eyes and my heart just sunk. He'd forgotten who I was. I couldn't bear it. But then his eyes brightened and he whispered "Hello Beautiful, How's McBride?" Yep, He was still there.

~*~

Over dinner that evening, I suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness. I actually stopped breathing. I must have gone pale as my dad asked me what was wrong with panic on his face.

I just burst out crying. I couldn't do it, it was too hard. I could deal with McBride and Grandad and everything else in the same three days. It was too difficult. I felt small, tired, achy. It was the strangest feeling I've ever felt.

My mum said nothing, instead she just hugged me and let my cry into her shoulder. I cried until there was nothing left in me. I think she cried a little too.

My dad then said something that made it all better.

~*~

You can still see the same stars.

~*~

That small choice of words made me feel so much better. He was right. We were still under the same sky. That was when I decided what I had to do. I had to live MY life. Learn to drive, learn to cook, learn to appreciate my own company. Something I've always hated.

~*~

It's now Wednesday. I've been keeping busy and it's funny how quickly you get into a routine.

I have accepted the fact that McBride won't be outside when I leave work. He won't be there in the morning. I've accepted that My Grandad won't be here much longer. But I have so many amazing memories of the man that I know he'll never really leave me. He'll be in my head dancing to the YMCA at my Uncle's wedding. No amount of grief and despair will EVER take that away from me.

I just wish I could have a hug from him.