Day One

At 11:30 yesterday morning, I left my world on a train platform. I told him not to wait. Instead, I told him to walk away and not look back. if he did, I'd break down. I got on the train and literally watched my whole life dissapear into the distance as i hurtled through the Scottish countyside.

My eye were red and sore from holding back tears. My nose was running as a result and Ray Lamontagne was blairing into my ears. There was only one thing I could do. I pulled my hair out of it's pony tail, let it fall over my face and silently cried. The tears tasted salty as they reached my mouth. I didn't wipe them away, I let each one finish the journey it deserved, until it fell into my lap.

~*~

I looked in the small red bag that he presented to me before I left. There was part of me that didn't want to look, because i knew that if i loked, it was definite, I was really leaving. But I knew I had too. I opened it and felt a smile spread across my flushed face.

Strawberry Bonbons, Dolly Mixtures, Love Hearts. All tucked up in a wee red bag and wrapped in a letter. I'll leave that for now. I have literally all the time in the world.

~*~

Then someone decided to jump in front of a train. leaving my train stuck in York for an hour and delaying my homecoming by over an hour and a half. But it did mean i got my ticket fully refunded. That was £57 I wasn't expecting to see again.

Gary came to meet me From Kings Cross and kept my company for the remainder of what had become an extremely long journey. I finally walked through my front door at 8 oclock. Two hours later than I'd hoped. But no rest for the wicked. Back out within 20 minutes, complete with make up, posh frock and make up.

~*~

I spent the night dancing away at a friends party. All was well. Until a slow dance. Then it all came storming back. I didn't have a dance partner anymore. He was miles away. Probably playing with his new laptop. Suddenly, I craved him so much. all those little things that i won't have for so long. Him holding my hand, kissing my nose, brushing the hair off my face. It wasn't until that moment that it actually hit me.

"He won't be there when you wake up in the morning"

~*~

Last night, I didn't sleep, I tagged all my Friends on Facebook, I watched two films back to back and I played with my Iphone. But I couldn't sleep. If i didn't fall asleep, I wouldn't wake up alone.

I didn't fall asleep but i did leave my house alone at 9 this morning and headed off to work.

~*~

But I've done it once, and I know it's possible. I can do this. I can be me still. God I'm going to miss him but how amazing is that feeling going to be when I get off the plane and see him there. Smiling.