So Now What?

11 days into the new year. Everyone out there is telling the world about their new resolutions. What big plans they have and what they're going to make of themselves. And what am I doing?

Fading away, or so it seems.

I spent all day yesterday trying to create a half sturdy path to head out into the world on. But i can't do it.

Now, I'm not trying to make this sound like a self loathing 'pity me' post. I'm not expecting a bundle of sympathy or anything like that. I just need to get it out there before i burst into a blubbering mess.

McBride went home on Saturday and since the moment he got on that plane, my head has gone fuzzy, my heart has sunk to a new low and I feel empty.

I've suddenly realised that I've just been floating along, not really doing anything. Sure, I've got amazing friends, an OK job and a good life but I've got no plan, nothing to work with and no one to be. And that scares me stupid.

I'm scared that I'll exist in this mundane life forever. I'm scared I'll never be the person I hoped I'd be, but most of all, I'm scared about him. He's already out there, walking his path, living his life and I'm so scared that if I don't do something and get up there soon, He's grow up and leave me behind. I hope he doesn't but I can't help thinking, maybe I'm holding him back. I don't want to be that person.

The problem is, I don't listen. I don't listen to him, I don't listen to my friends, I don't listen to myself. I knew the moment I missed the deadline for auditioning in Scotland, I'd regret it, but i kept pushing that thought aside. now, the deadline is upon me and I feel literally gutted.

So, trying to keep a brave face, I proceeded with auditioning for Bristol Old Vic. But by the time i got half way through (and already parted with the £50) I got a massive slap in the face when i realised there wasn't a little bit of me that wanted to be anywhere else apart from Scotland. I just sat staring at the screen, finding out in that split second that everything else was inconsequential. All I wanted was to be in Scotland. Learning the skill I crave so much, learning about myself along the way. For a moment I'm happy. That's my plan. move to Scotland, Then BANG a second slap. No drama school place. So what am I going to do? Just move up and 'hope for the best' before applying next year? McBride won't have an income so I'd have to bring all the money in myself and I won't be able to find anyone else to live up there with me. So once again, I'm back to square one, Staring at a computer screen telling me that I'll receive and audition date for a school I don't want to go to, My money has been taken out of my account and I'm left to wait.

I can't wait. I need something to happen.

But I'm the only one who can make it happen

And I'm too scared.