Finding Things Out The Hard Way

Yesterday was the first day of my holiday. It was also a family friends 18th Birthday. I love a good party so decided to start my preparation early in the evening. I ran a hot bath, crumbled in a lush bubble bar and soaked myself into a prune.

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I also thought it would be a brilliant idea to have a packet of Maryland cookies next to me. I can assure you now that it's not. I'm reminded of the monster munch incident as I take a bite out of cookie number four. Yep, it breaks.Yep it falls into the water. Yep it all happens in stupidly slow slow-mo. Crap.

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So the next two minutes are spent fishing around under the bubbles for half a cookie. I've got images of the bubbles fizzling out as the sugar content eats away at the bath water. I have horrible thoughts about putting my hand underwater to discover my broken cookie has done a 'Gremlin' on me and turned into a scary human killing monster cookie. I swish my hand around and find it. A soggy, crumble piece of used-to-be-yumminess.

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Just when I think it's over, I grab the cookie and apply a little too much pressure. It crumbles into millions and millions (no exaggeration, honest) of pieces that float to the top. My water has been contaminated. I can feel the crumbs between my toes. This is not how a lush bath is meant to feel. No other option, the plug comes out, as does the McFarley.

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Being an 18th party, there were many teenagers present at the venue. Many of the men drunk on a pint of cider. Many  of the girls in dresses they look uncomfortable in. All but one of the girls. She looks very comfy in her tight grey mini dress. So confident in fact that she allows one of the boys to swing her around when a song they like comes on.

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But unfortunately what begins as a fifties style jive turns into a bit of a horrific moment. He swings her legs over in my direction. I turn around at the wrong moment and...No, no shoe in the mouth, no kick in the head. Just a flash up the skirt. (I must stress once more that this is a mini dress)

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There is nothing on under said skirt. Nothing. For what seems like a lifetime I am face to face with a 18 year olds...thing. Oh god, put the girl down, PUT HER DOWN!