Music

It makes me smile.

~*~

Mr McBride made me a double CD compilation that I've listened to a million times already. I've cried to some

"Nobody ever says goodbye, But I don't mind, Just come home" Findlay Brown

"These arms of mine they are lonely, lonely and feeling blue" Otis Ridding

"Tonight the light of love is in your eyes. But will you love me tomorrow?" Amy Winehouse

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But some make me smile.

"They made a statue of us, and put it on a mountain top" Regina Spektor

"She will always be the only thing that comes between me and the awful sting" Eels

"We'll be together for now and ever" Super Furry Animals.

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Every song has a line that I could relate to. So many songs are doing that at the moment. It's a bit sad. Almost like I'm turning everyday songs into a soundtrack for 'The McFarley Movie" (I believe it would be a straight to DVD feature!)

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Even An American Tale.

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"And even though I know how very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath that same big sky."

~*~

35 days!

Routine

It's starting to get brighter. It's starting to get better. But it still hurts all the same.

Sunday was the ultimate in low days. It was the year anniversary of my Grandad's death. (I hate using the word anniversary. I always thought that word meant celebration, happiness and all that)

I went to see my other Grandad. It's strange, this man was always so tall, so stubborn, so proud. And yet, when I saw him on Sunday, he looked tiny. Not half the man I once used to help in his Shop. Pricing chocolates and filling Pick 'n' mix bags.

When I Walked in, he stared at me with vacant eyes and my heart just sunk. He'd forgotten who I was. I couldn't bear it. But then his eyes brightened and he whispered "Hello Beautiful, How's McBride?" Yep, He was still there.

~*~

Over dinner that evening, I suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness. I actually stopped breathing. I must have gone pale as my dad asked me what was wrong with panic on his face.

I just burst out crying. I couldn't do it, it was too hard. I could deal with McBride and Grandad and everything else in the same three days. It was too difficult. I felt small, tired, achy. It was the strangest feeling I've ever felt.

My mum said nothing, instead she just hugged me and let my cry into her shoulder. I cried until there was nothing left in me. I think she cried a little too.

My dad then said something that made it all better.

~*~

You can still see the same stars.

~*~

That small choice of words made me feel so much better. He was right. We were still under the same sky. That was when I decided what I had to do. I had to live MY life. Learn to drive, learn to cook, learn to appreciate my own company. Something I've always hated.

~*~

It's now Wednesday. I've been keeping busy and it's funny how quickly you get into a routine.

I have accepted the fact that McBride won't be outside when I leave work. He won't be there in the morning. I've accepted that My Grandad won't be here much longer. But I have so many amazing memories of the man that I know he'll never really leave me. He'll be in my head dancing to the YMCA at my Uncle's wedding. No amount of grief and despair will EVER take that away from me.

I just wish I could have a hug from him.

Day One

At 11:30 yesterday morning, I left my world on a train platform. I told him not to wait. Instead, I told him to walk away and not look back. if he did, I'd break down. I got on the train and literally watched my whole life dissapear into the distance as i hurtled through the Scottish countyside.

My eye were red and sore from holding back tears. My nose was running as a result and Ray Lamontagne was blairing into my ears. There was only one thing I could do. I pulled my hair out of it's pony tail, let it fall over my face and silently cried. The tears tasted salty as they reached my mouth. I didn't wipe them away, I let each one finish the journey it deserved, until it fell into my lap.

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I looked in the small red bag that he presented to me before I left. There was part of me that didn't want to look, because i knew that if i loked, it was definite, I was really leaving. But I knew I had too. I opened it and felt a smile spread across my flushed face.

Strawberry Bonbons, Dolly Mixtures, Love Hearts. All tucked up in a wee red bag and wrapped in a letter. I'll leave that for now. I have literally all the time in the world.

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Then someone decided to jump in front of a train. leaving my train stuck in York for an hour and delaying my homecoming by over an hour and a half. But it did mean i got my ticket fully refunded. That was £57 I wasn't expecting to see again.

Gary came to meet me From Kings Cross and kept my company for the remainder of what had become an extremely long journey. I finally walked through my front door at 8 oclock. Two hours later than I'd hoped. But no rest for the wicked. Back out within 20 minutes, complete with make up, posh frock and make up.

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I spent the night dancing away at a friends party. All was well. Until a slow dance. Then it all came storming back. I didn't have a dance partner anymore. He was miles away. Probably playing with his new laptop. Suddenly, I craved him so much. all those little things that i won't have for so long. Him holding my hand, kissing my nose, brushing the hair off my face. It wasn't until that moment that it actually hit me.

"He won't be there when you wake up in the morning"

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Last night, I didn't sleep, I tagged all my Friends on Facebook, I watched two films back to back and I played with my Iphone. But I couldn't sleep. If i didn't fall asleep, I wouldn't wake up alone.

I didn't fall asleep but i did leave my house alone at 9 this morning and headed off to work.

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But I've done it once, and I know it's possible. I can do this. I can be me still. God I'm going to miss him but how amazing is that feeling going to be when I get off the plane and see him there. Smiling.

10...9...8...

And so the countdown begins.

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Scotland has called us again.Once again I'm on Liz Birds teeny tiny notebook with it's cute wee buttons and once again,I spent the day wandering around this beautiful city. (and yes, i did go to THAT chocolate shop.)

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Friday is speeding towards us like a train. at 11.30 I'll be jumping on a train bound for grotty Portsmouth, the seven hour journey includes an underground scramble from Kings Cross to Waterloo, lots of angry commuters and two new unread books. Only one thing missing..

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MrMcBride.

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Yep, the time has come for us to go our seprate ways. thehouse where i spent so many hours has been packed up and shipped out. I've said goodbye to the Cat that stumbled into the kitchen and we used the last of the milk. all that's left of this 'era' is the good bye.

And god am I dreading that.

~*~

But still, Christmas is already on it's way. Let's behonest, you're starting to think about presents. My shop put their Christmas cards out over two weeks ago. And by the 20th December, He'll be back in my arms again. Right where he belongs.

~*~

I can't wait.

Random Thoughts and Musings

OK, let's face it, that last blog was somewhat depressing. I apologise. I was just having one of those days.

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Today is a better day. The last few days have been better days. I spent Saturday night dressed as Penfold, a hobby I'm thinking about taking up. Maybe do a kind of Watchmen spin off, Dress in a costume and go around fighting crime. It could catch on.

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I'm having a MASSIVE upload session at the moment. Putting back all the magic that my computer lost when it went doolally. People like Bon Ivor, Fleet Foxes and The Hot Puppies. All people I would highly recommend for audio pleasure. My Iphone has been lacking in music of late and it's my bid to get it back up to scratch before my 7 hours train trip back from Scotland next month.

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Ah yes, that trip. On the 13th McBride and I will be flying to Scotland. On the 18th, I'll be travelling back on my own. Back to Portsmouth, with no one to wake up next to.

People keep asking me if I'm OK. When I say yes, the response is always the same "Really?" And I say, "Yes, I'm OK now because he's still here, still my Dangermouse, still my best friend." It's all going to be OK and Until the times comes when I have to get on the 11:30 train home, I'll be fine. There's a hefty bridge to cross at that point but I can't cross that until I get to it. And before that, I have a Birthday party, a BBQ, A Stock take, A Play, And lots of hugs.

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Yep, I'll be fine

Where's my sunshine?

It's August...apparently!

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So far, my 'summer' has consisted of suspected swine flu which turned out to be sheer exhaustion, a trip up to Kettering to stock take the warehouse, copious amounts of work and a lot of umbrella usage! No, this is not what I signed up for on the 'Summer' rota! Did everyone else get first pick and I was left last? It feels like it.

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I did the race for life the other week. It was weird doing it without Steffi but I had so much reason to run this year that I just had to do something.

A couple of weeks before the run, My Grandad got told he had cancer in both his lung and his brain. So I ran round the seafront angry at this disgusting disease that's picking my family and grabbing hold of them one by one. I know there's a million people out there in the same scenario, and even worse ones, but the run was my own personal knee to the stomach towards that C word which no one in my family seems to say around me. The keep changing the subject, trailing off or stopping all together. "Ooh, don't say Cancer around you know who, she's lost one grandad and in the middle of it with another!"

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Sorry, I don't know why I type these things, I think it's just a way to get it out in the open. I think it explains my behavior around my friends recently. I've been very poorly this past week and that, added to this personal battle, is making me slightly distant, looking tired, stressed, down. I must say that this is just a phase, I will get back to how I was. I won't let myself get into this state where I feel nothing. It's not like me.

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And anyway, I've got six weeks left to show the boy I love how much I completely adore him.

Then he's off and I'm here to deal with it all. I think that's when I'll need my friends more than ever so It's not right that I should shut them out now. It's not fair on them, they've done nothing wrong.

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But that's the thing, no ones done anything wrong. Not me, not my grandad, my nan, my friends. It's funny how sadness affects different people. Some people shout and scream, others cry, other go numb. Me? I act normal, well, I try but I fail. So I end up acting the way I talked about earlier. If I've acted this way around you, I apologise.

~*~

This is a bit of an odd post. It's a ramble that doesn't know how to end. So I'll end on a happier note.

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It was the Bench's 40th anniversary yesterday and McBride and I performed a scene from 'His Dark Materials', The play where we met, and for that 10 minutes we were on stage together, I couldn't have thought of a more perfect place to be. In the arms of my hero, with my friends around me, supporting me, on a stage doing one of things I love most.

~*~

Now that makes my smile.

North

I'm in Scotland, typing this post out on a teeny weeny mac book. Which, if I do say so myself is the cutest little thing I've ever checked my facebook page on in my life.

Went to my favourite cake shop yesterday whilst walking around Edinburgh with Mr McBride. Check back on earlier posts if unaware of what I'm talking about, I ended up spending a tenner on cake. But (before i sound like a total heffer) that did include four slices of cake, a big bag of mixed bonbons and an Irn Bru (gotta stick with these Scottish traditions haven't we?) So I don't personally think that a tenner is a huge amount for what I got. You may think different, you may think "FAT COW! PUT DOWN THE FORK AND GO FOR A RUN!"

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What else? Well we flew here, which was a novelty, i was doped up on Valium but the flight whizzed by i think. no sooner where we at 10,000 feet then we were descending again. it was weird that we were at the other end of the country in just over an hour. Even if we were slightly delayed and had to endure Big Brother in the airport waiting room.

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Off into Glasgow tomorrow for McBride to look at houses and sign up to local doctors and dentists. Me and Liz Bird are heading to the shops while he dosses around dental practices. Primark is already calling me but All i can think about is "weight allowance, only 10kg allowed in hand luggage." But that thought is soon followed by "oh sod it. I'll just wear all the clothes I buy, they don't weigh me!" I can waddle through passport control and metaphorically give a two finger gesture and blow a raspberry! "Ha ha, got one over on you, angry person laughing at my passport photo."

~*~