A Year

In roughly two weeks time, I'll never (touch wood) have to live at opposite sides of the country from McBride again. Never have to wake up and wonder what he was up to, if it was raining where he was, if the sky was the same colour.

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Because in a couple of weeks, I'll be able to just roll over and see him, frowning in his sleep.

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A year has past. Where the flip did it go? OK so it's not been a whole year but near as damn. I've been reading back over past posts and looking back with a smile. That feeling in the pit of my tummy when I got on that train back in September. That feeling of total insecurity, longing, loneliness. There was a fair sized chunk of me that got left behind on that platform. And another fair sized chunk that was frightened about the year to come. Frightened of almost everything. Being alone, Him finding someone else, Him realising I wasn't all that I was cracked up to be. Terrified of just drifting through the year, never really knowing where or who I was. I was terrified of having to stand on my own two feet with no arm at my side to grab onto when it got slippery.

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And now I'm here, typing about the fact that I won't have to do it again. A year has just flown by and I've grown in so many way (except physically). I'm a manager. I can drive (almost) I feel like I've grown up. I know now I can stand on my own two. and I can stick out my chest and say "Well bloody go me! Aren't I awesome?" (what's also good is the fact I remained modest throughout)

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Then I think back to all the times I've had to say goodbye to him. Airports, Bus Stations, Train Platforms. Too many times, I was so caught up thinking about the next goodbye that I took for granted that magic moment when we said hello. So the last time he came home (about a month ago) I made sure that all I thought about was that moment.

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Now it gets soppy.

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It's when his hands touch either side of you face and he holds it like a glass flower.

Its when he smiles that little smile that only you seem to see.

It's when he strokes the hair off your face and says "Hey you"

It's when he kisses you and your legs go fizzy

It's when he looks at your tear streaked face and whispers "Don't cry beautiful"

It's when he holds your hand and you remember how much you missed it, but at the same time, it feels like it's been there the whole time.

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Wow, I should write poetry.

The next post will be less gag inducing

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Promise