Monday, December 13, 2010

Snotbag

So I was in the window at work (behind the window getting stock, not actually in the window) when I see a woman waiting to be served. I go over and ask if she needs help. This is how the conversation goes
~*~
Can I help at all?
Give me the pearls at £30.
Oh yes, those have actually been reduced to £15 now.
Why? What's wrong with them?
Nothing, They've just been reduced for a limited time.
OK, Get them.
~*~
I'm a tad bit annoyed at the rudeness but collect the pearls and put them on the counter. Smiling all the while, I explain that they're cultured pearls, RRP of £55 pound, and look lovely on.
The conversation continues
~*~
No those aren't the ones in the window.
Oh, well these are the only ones for that price but I'll...
I'll show you the ones in the window, they're the ones I want.
~*~
As of yet, no smiles, no happiness. I follow her with my own forced smile out into the window display. She points out the very pair I'd shown her 4 seconds ago. I explain this information and tell her that it's just because of the lighting in the display and the fact the pearls are close to the light.
It continues again
(please visualise this woman as slim, plum coloured coat, sucking lemon mouth, and a look on her face as if she can smell dirty nappies and feet all the time.)
~*~
Bring out that string you gave me earlier and we'll see if they are the same shall we?
Honestly, they are the same but as all pearls are unique, each string will look slightly different.
Well I want the one out the window.
I can get it but it will be the same I'm afraid (by this time I can't be bothered to sugar coat my words anymore.)
Get those, I want those. If they are the same, you wont mind swapping them over will you?
~*~
by this point, the queue has managed to grow beyond the front door and all the other customers are looking ether bored or pained to see me endure this sarcasm from Snotbag.
~*~
So, into the locked room behind the window. I stand on tip toes and reach to get the pearls down. I hold the window ones against the other ones. Shock horror, they are the same. I'm half tempted to take the same pair out just to get a little kick out of what has become a chore of a sale. But I'm stopped before I can do my evil plan laugh 
~*~
My work mate pops her head around the door and says "put it back, she's buggered off. Snotty cow."
Apparently I'd taken too long (about 25 seconds) I was useless and she was going somewhere where the sales assistant knew her job.
~*~
Deep breath, smile, put pearls back.
~*~
So the ordeal with Snotbag was over. And I'd just started to like her. I put the pearls back in the window and turn to walk away. Then, as a final finale piece....
~*~
The clock falls off the wall and hits me on the head.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Carol Singers

A group of about 20 school children were outside my shop for three days this week singing Christmas songs and raising money. Now for the first 10 minutes this is cute, but when the children only have a four song repertoire, it soon gets a tad bit annoying. After half an hour I've heard Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman and 12 Day of Christmas four times. by the fourth round, 12 days becomes a bit mumbled.
~*~
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
9 laleezdanzi
8 mazamillen
7 swazzarswi'i (getting faster)
6 geezalain
FIVE GOLD RINGS!!!!!!
4 corlyburs (faster)
3 frenchends (faster)
2 turrledoes (lightening speed)
AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEE!
~*~
We also got a Simpson version of Rudolph (words in caps are shouted)
~*~
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glowed (LIKE A LIGHT BULB)
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and cal him names (LIKE PINOCCHIO)
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games (LIKE MONOPOLY)
~*~
Bless, they were there almost all day. Poor fund raising, mumbling, excitable nippers.
~*~
One other thing, the label on my smoothie reads as follow (next to the ingredients list)

Non Sick Note

Dear Boss/teacher/__________
This note is to clarify that _______has not eaten chocolate spread out the jar, made crisp sandwiches or pretended that wearing jogging bottoms to the shop counts as exercise for over a week.
They have also consumed the entire contents of this bottle. thus ticking 2 of their 5-a-day. 58% of their RDA of vitamin C and some fibre. Plus they are thinking about going to boxercise with Carol on Tuesday.
Therefore, please accept this note as permission to have next ______day/afternoon off in return for their excellent healthy behavior.
Yours Sincerely
Innocent.
~*~
This made my entire week.
~*~
(Note courtesy of Innocent Smoothies.)