Fashion Faux-Pas. (Flashdance style)

I have to wear black to work. So today I'm in a black dress with a black belt, black cardigan, black tights and black shoes. (My pants are blue but that's neither here nor there.)

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Very ordinary yeah? Well if it helps, I got to half four before realising  that from the knees down I looked like someone out of fame!

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For some reason, my tights are extra-ordinarily shiny and black and kind of look like shiny disco dancing leggings.

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But that's not too bad right?

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Instead of my usual heels, I'm wearing black brogues. So alongside the uber shiny leggings, they look like jazz pumps. So from the knees up, she's a conservative well presented jeweller. From the knees down?

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She's a maniac, Maaaniac!

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This is added to the fact I dropped toothpaste down my top this morning and got to half 11 before realising I looked like I was lactating. Also that I got dressed and out of the flat before noticing the hole in the sleeve of my cardigan. Ooh and that my hair is too soft today to do anything with and looks slightly like something out of Thundercats. And the zip on my bag broke yesterday.... I think that's it.

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Maybe tomorrow I'll break out in a rash on my forehead.

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Nah, that might make me look like a normal human. We can't have that.

So Apparently...

So apparently I'm an information desk

People come into my shop all the time and ask me things I either don't know or don't care about.

"Where's the nearest toilets?" "what time does TK Maxx close today?" "what's the fastest bus to Silverburn?" And these are only a few. I sell jewellery, I do not give out free tours around the city centre. There is an information desk just around the corner. Bugger off and use it.

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So apparently I'm a liar.

A woman comes in and asks if she can get a link taken out of her watch. I apologise and say we unfortunately can't as we don't have the equipment. She then changes into Satan's mother in law and snaps back 'Well, the girl in your shop in East Kilbride did it for me so you can too!' I inform her that we don't have a shop in East Kilbride and that's when things get very...ggggrrr. She (quote) bought it from our shop in East Kilbride and I'm just being difficult.  Then she takes a watch we don't sell out of her bag and a receipt from a completely different shop. I explain this to her and she grabs the receipt out of my hand and says, 'Well it looks the same in here. Either you or the girl in your East Kilbride shop is a liar!' The venom in the last word of that sentence made me raise my eyebrows slightly too high. 'Forget it, I'll just go back to your East Kilbride shop!'

'Sorry but like I said, we don't have a shop there.'

Nope, I'm just white noise to her now.

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So apparently I'm a lesbian

I'm standing in the stir fry section in Tesco and a chap in his sixties stands beside me with some vegetables and noodles.

'Do you think this would be enough for two?' he asks me

'Well, that's how much me and my partner have and that's the right amount for us.'

A small pause

'And..is..she a big eater?'

Damn the word 'partner'!

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So apparently it's OK to let your child draw over our white wall with black crayon.

Enough said about this one really. God bless WD40

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So apparently I'm coming home in less than a fortnight.

This is true. and I can't wait. My Steffi and Gary are coming up next Wednesday then I'm off home with them on the Saturday. Anyone reading this who wants to pop round and say hi just let me know. (Obviously I need to actually know you. Apparently I've got people as far as Russia and Australia reading this. No offence and thanks for reading but I'd rather spend time with people I know. ta)

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So apparently this blog has a purpose.

No, I don't think so either.

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Ta