You tube scares me

So I'm in bed having a play on this new iphone gizmo wen I think back to a conversation I had with two friends only days ago. A chat about a you tube video called 'charlie bit me'. I hop onto you tube and found such a video. Basically a small boy puts his finger in his Kid brothers mouth then makes a fuss when he bites down. I actually laughed out loud and proceded to show everyone else in the room. Now every time I hear my name I want to say 'ow charley, that really hurt' But then I did the dangerous thing of browsing, and it made me lose a little faith in human intelligence. I found a guy called toast who's the worlds fastest clapper. A video of a small child getting stroppy with an unwanted present and that infamous video of Britneys biggest fan crying 'LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!'. Dude people are crazy.

Slade Are Doing My head In!

IT'S CHHRRRIIIIIISSSSSSTTTMAAASSSSS!!!!!

If I hear Noddy Holder scream that obvious phrase once more, I swear I'll attack my Christmas tree with a 12 pound turkey!

So, apparently it's Christmas! three days to go until a podgy guy wriggles down my chimney leaving the smell of cinnamon and a pile of pressies.

How can it be Christmas already? It was only May last week!

Willows went AMAZINGLY well. I'm rather sad it's over, I feel sorry for the caravan, the boat, the car, the trees, that are all hopefully on their way to a school for some recycled version! It will never top ours. We had Marshmallows with Jam in the middle, We had Snow, We had a horn on our car, we had flippers, we had scarves that looked like they were caught in the wind. We had THE BEST version in town! oh yes.

Other News? OK, it was my Birthday last Friday I am now a ripe old age of 21. I was told by a friend who shall remain anonymous that 200 years ago, I would be middle aged by now! Ta.

The 'rents gave a an Iphone. which is the most highly technical thing I've ever plugged in! I'm still getting to grips with all this you tubing and web surfing and ipodding. all good fun.

McBride got me a Beautiful photo album type thing with pictures that we've taken and lovely captions underneath. Yeah, that made me cry a wee bit. he also got me a paint your own tea set. lol

and throughout the day i think i cried about 12 times. all for happy reasons. All these people who gave me beautiful cards and gifts. People who i wasn't expecting to and didn't need to. Steffi said it's because I'm a lovely person. I always thought i was an annoying paranoid clingy freak. So to all these wonderful people, i send huge thanks and kisses and hugs and love.

And so, Onto Christmas. I'm off into town on Christmas eve with Gary the father figure. It's an age old tradition that we get all of Steffi's present at the very very last minute. It's the only day that Gary ventures out to the shops so we take our time, drink lots of coffee, eat a burger, browse around, dance to tacky Christmas songs and generally have a laugh.

Then it's the big day itself. YEY!!!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Heads, Cheddars and Other Nuisances.

I've decided that packets of Mini Cheddars have shrunk! i swear there was only about 11 in the packet I have just consumed in the same amount of seconds. That's the problem these days, every thing's smaller, dearer and a little less...good.

O.K, so not the best adjective to use but I'm brain dead, give me a second! So Wind In The Willows opened last night to a healthy audience (healthy in size, i don't know about any medical issues or anything) and apart from a couple of bumps, it went rather well. I haven't acted for such a long time that to play five different people, (well, i say people!) in two hours is fabby fab. The only problem is the head wear. For some strange reason unknown, I have a rather large head! yes, I know, I've heard all the jokes already. Looking in the mirror, It doesn't seem to look over sized, it just doesn't fit any hats. My cranium makes a standard sized trilby look like something a small dog would wear as a 'novelty gag' So I'm now worried that the back of my HUGE head sticks out half a mile. Why can't it squeeze into a hat? It's stupid. Stupid Head, Stupid...Oversized...Skull! So there I am, cramming a teeny weeny deer stalker hat on my planet of a head when i realise that once it's on, I won't be able to move my eyebrows! "O.K, So I'm now a constantly surprised ferret with a big head."

O.K, I may be getting slightly paranoid about the situation. The red line across the forehead will fade and my eyebrows will return to their regular home.

The Countdown has begun

Oh Blimey, It's December Tomorrow!

That means a number of things

1: My shop will start playing the 'odd' Christmas track. I was told when i started my job that we never play Christmas music! well that's all about to change

2: It's non stop at 100 miles an hour until the early days of January

3: I only have 24 days to find a Christmas card that says 'Nan'. i went into a card shop the other day and found all the relative cards apart from one that said 'Nan'. When i asked the girl if she said any, she pointed me to all the ones that said 'Granny' and 'Grandma' and 'Nanna'. I told her that I needed one that said 'Nan' and she gave me a blank look accompanied with the line 'Does it really matter?'

YES IT BLOODY DOES. I'm not sure if it bothers anyone else, it probably doesn't. But i have NEVER called me Nan anything other than 'Nan' so why should i buy a card saying 'To my Wonderful Grandmama?'

4: I need to tell various family members what i want for Christmas and Birthday. That would be fine if I knew what I wanted. But i don't know.

5: I have to write copious amounts if Christmas cards, Wrap bundles of presents and buy food that begins with the letter C

Anyway, onto other news.

The bus I took to work on Tuesday was carved up by a lovely taxi driver. This caused the bus to break incredibly quickly and resulted in both a car going into the back of us and me flying forward. I had no chair in front of me to hold on to so I reached and grabbed the window on one side and a pole on the other. This made me reach slightly too far, and this made me tear the muscle in my chest. ooh yes, that was slightly painful. so works been slightly annoying the past few days. With an inability to lift, carry, push, pull and reach, I have been deemed pretty useless! lucky me. But i did get to wear a lovely dress to the Beautiful Siany-Sian's party last night. Which made me feel much better.

Hang on a tick, No one's brought me an Advent calendar! What's Up With That?

Soapy Credit Crunch

Is it safe to put a debit card through the washing machine?

I 'borrowed' McBride's hoodie a couple of days ago and my bank card somehow ended up in the pocket (probably when i was buying a very healthy breakfast consisting of a pasty and a cherry coke)

I thought I'd lost it (the card not the hoddie) but then i saw something blue wizzing around the washing machine this morning. All I'm worried about now is if the bloody thing will still work?

Not that I've got much money to spend anyway. With (and I hate saying this) Christmas round the corner, things have become a little tight. But to be honest I'd rather be broke after my October pay packet than my November one. I hate having no money at Christmas time, Especially since I'm working 8 til five then rushing straight up to havant for Wind In The Willows. Christmas this year is going to be very busy and I'll need the money to buy grab and go food and the odd bottle of echo falls.

It's my 21st as well this year. Got my party all set up and paid for (very organised for me i must say!) It's Siany Sians 18th next week, My store turns 2 (that's means i've been a slave to Gunwharf for two years) It's Kitten Birthday on the 16th December, Mine On The 19th. I've got a weekend of dressing like a thunderbird, a weekend of dressing like Super Mario, two weeks of Dressing like a mouse and a squirrel, Father Chrismas will hopefully stop by, (as will my now slightly crazy nan) and then It's new year. Bloody hell, and In between all that I somehow need to take time to do mundane things like sleeping and eating.

Why am i wasting time typing this, i need to go and cash a cheque, buy some guitar strings, teach 14 very hyper-active children, rehearse, then come home and eat some toast.

Now where did i put Bernards watch?

Fundraising

Blimey, it's nearly November.

So, what's new?

Well, not a lot actually.

Rehearsals for our Christmas production are going well. Wind In The Willows is being performed at Christmas and through out the play i transform from a squirrel to a Car driver to a ferret (a ferret that turns into a stoat half way through the script)

I actually cannot wait. it's been a year since i last acted on stage. It's quite had to believe that this time last year i was playing Hedvig in Wild duck. She was a great role.

But, as much as i loved her, I'm starting to become very fond of the field mouse with a lisp. That's right. a lisp.

Merry Chrithmath, Merry Chrithmath One and all

Joy to eash and every creature great and Thmall.

It even starts snowing on stage! rey.

I've started a fundraising campaign for the Rowans hospital. Gary has managed to raise money through selling cakes at work, we've organised a Charity golf tournament and six of us will be braving Mount Snowdon in the new year. all in the hope that we can raise money for a charity that I'm told needs to raise £7000 grand a day to survive. I think that's more than enough motivation to trek.

Anyone out there with anymore ideas on how to raise money for a fantastic cause, drop me a line.

Snowdons a scary mountain, i remember it being high last time i trakked it, and lets face facts, I've not grown since that day 9 years ago.

More Details to follow

Ta

xxx

Thank you

This Note Is A Thank You

Thank you to the nurse who brought round fish and chips.

Thank you to the lady who took my grandads hand out from under the blanket so my nan could hold it.

Thanks to Sian At Work for letting me leave at peak time.

Thanks To the nurse who pretended to pole dance around a wooden beam to keep spirits high.

Thanks to the ladies in the cafe who supplied a pile of chocolate.

Thanks to the girl who brought round fresh tea cups every so often.

Thanks to the cleaner who walked her trolley in the wall and made every one laugh.

Thanks to Steffi who took me for a walk around the grounds to 'get some air'

Thanks to all those at the rowans hospice, as they made my Grandads last few days comfortable and safe.

Night Night Grandad

I Love you.xxx

All Organized And Rushing Around

It's August! Not that you'd know from looking out the window. Bloody sun is actually scared of England i think, It's up in the sky thinking 'Oh god, Chavs, Sunburnt people, Pimms, BBQ's, i'll just hover over southern Europe for safety reasons.' Bloody hell, if I didn't just spend two weeks in Portugal, I'd be curled up under my duvet by now rocking slightly and humming Mungo Jerry songs under my breath.

So what's new? well, not a lot really. I'm trying my best to be more organised and I must say, it's going well. I went to a local hall today (a typically community centre, cheesy place but still) and arranged my 21st Birthday party. I discovered that I don't need to hire a cheesy DJ but can instead play my own music. Which is good. Let's face it, any DJ in the world would rather play the YMCA than the guillemots. All i need to do now is create a playlist and make invitations. People must dress up as something beginning with C and all the food will also begin with C. ( I know, It's childish but...i don't care)

So that's sorted, as is McBride's Birthday presents. (4th September if anyone wonders, He'll be 24! old man!) I've also got my store up together and it looks Beautiful. I spent the evening with Harris last night blizting the place and it looks lovely...I give it three days max before it's trashed again. Oh well, it is the summer holidays.

I've Sent off my Race for life money...finally, in the end i was able to send off £115 pound which i think was very good considering i kept forgetting to take my sponsership form out with me. I'm now trying to persuade Gary (father man) to compete in a round of golf for Charity. It's all in aid of the Rowans, which is now where my Grandad is living. Bless him, the poor guy is desperate to by my nan things before he shuffles off the the big comfy airchair in the sky. His last offering was a new potato peeler.

Overall, things are getting better (apart from the obvious) so I've got plenty more to smile about now. I'm not stressing. YEY!!!

And So, happy reader, I leave you with this, it's sunny outside, just not immediately outside.

Oh, and if you see my Uncles ex wife, punch the living daylights out of her.

byebye

Two Months On

It's been a while hasn't it?

lately, i haven't been around the pc long enough to check my facebook page, let alone write in my blog!

I've just returned from a two week break in the Algarve with Steffi and Gary. twas wonderful and extremely relaxing. But the two week spell was not enough to break up the hectic and some times wanting-to-scream-into-a-pillow time I've been having.

Work has been slightly disastrous recently. my team are working themselves blue and not getting the rewards. the fact our manager left us in a deep dark hole didn't help much. I've been doing two peoples jobs for a good few weeks now. sometimes working from half 8 in the morning til half 7 at night. The shop still manages to stay clean and tidy, and we're still taking an awful lot of money for this time of year. I just feel like I'm working my backside off (along with the rest of the team) and we're just banging our heads against a brick wall. I feel extremely let down by certain people and i hope this all gets sorted out soon.

On the other hand, McBride's play went incredibly well, as did it's sister play 'Crave'. The review for 'Ghost...' was a bit luke warm but the review for crave was excellent. The audience out numbered both casts on every night, which is always a bonus! and the after show party went on til after 2 am. which was slightly tiring but all the same fantastic.

The cast of Ghost gave me a present to say thank you. Even though i felt i did a minimal amount of work for the production, they informed my I was constantly smiling and giving hugs of encouragement. To hear this made me feel great. I do believe I'm an optimistic person, I try to smile all the time and on the whole, my life is pretty fabulous. But to hear this at a time when I'm stressing out some what and spending my evening slumped on the sofa with any kind of sugar filled snack made me think again about everything. Basically i just need to take it one day at a time and when something doesn't get done one day, I just say 'f**k it, I'll do that tomorrow'

Not having this attitude before made me crash and burn. I spent two days unable to walk from exhaustion. Not a good sign for someone who hasn't even turned 21. So from now on, I'll try to be the laid back person i was six months ago. Well, that's the plan.

Onto better things, I spent sunday lounging in the Wonderful Jaspers (trademark) garden drinking pims. It was a slightly sad event as two much loved members of the bench are leaving us for hotter places (Spain!) but the fact we had a huge circle of friend throwing up to 5 frisbees (of novelty flying disks, as they shall now be named) at each other, made is a giggling, happy, slightly hyperactive day.

I'm going to say this now, I absolutley adore my friends. They are the people who make me smile. That make me realise 'Hey, there are people out there as crazy as me, isn't it amazing!' I only hug people I feel close to, I hope this means a lot to people.

And then there's that boy McBride. I've never missed anyone as much as I missed him the two weeks I was away. and since I've been back, we've been closer than every. Last night, as we sat on the sofa watching the B.F.G, we just had a fit of giggles. I don't even know what it was about, but even now, R snigger slightly under my breath.

I'm going to grow old with that boy, and we're going to have matching walking sticks and bald patches! Rock on!

A fantastic cause!

Yesterday i joined 8000 other women in the Portsmouth Race For Life. Yey me!

Today I'm feeling it. my sides and legs hurt like dillio!

Anyway, that's not the point. the point is that 8000 women ran 5km around the common yesterday morning, another 8000 ran the same length in the afternoon, and even though the reason behind it is a heartbreaking one, the atmosphere was absolutely breathtaking.

My reasons behind running is the fact that my Grandad has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has been given weeks to live. He's come to terms with that and so have we. but I don't want people to have to come to terms with it in the future! That's why I'm running, so my children's children can have a life where they won't have to deal with that disease which we shall not name!

Reading the signs that some of the women pinned to their backs was tear jerking. Girls as young as 10 wearing signs saying 'In memory of my mummy!' seeing these signs made me realise how lucky I am to have had this long without losing someone to the disease we shall not name. It was an eye opener to say the very very least.

Two girls from my theatre company braved to race with me, for which i thank them immensely! as did my Auntie, my Nan and my very very lovely Steffi. She's been through so much already and to hold her hand as we ran over the finish line felt incredible. Bless her, she was the same shade of pink as the sign on her back. The two of us stayed side by side throughout and managed to pass the line in 35 minutes. It was that moment that sealed the deal. It wasn't the £100 pound i raised that made it worth while, it wasn't the fact i got to wear pink leg warmers and a pink tie, it was the fact that I did it with my best friend at my side. seeing the smile on her face when she hugged me, saying 'Bloody hell, we did it!'

I'm so proud of everyone who did the run yesterday. lets hope that in the years to come, we won't have to do things like this to battle the disease that shall not be named!

So Close Yet So Very Very Far

And so Pompey have won the FA cup!

The entire city was a shade of blue all weekend as the team headed to Wembley to beat Cardiff 1-0.

Everyone packed into bars, clubs and houses, the common had a big screen showing the game to a packed castle feild and almost everyone in the city was tipsy by 4 oclock in the afternoon.

and where was i?

Working!

That's right, I was at work, just round the corner from the many bars that played the game. and I have to say that by the end of the day i was thoroughly hacked off. not because i was working, but because i wasn't part of something so big that it swept the whole city into ADHD!

For the first time in 70 years Portsmouth lifted the cup. McBride was on a balcony overlooking Southsea watching as hyper football fans filled the streets, My dad was ah a huge BBQ lapping up the pride, Even Steffi was watching the game. everyone i knew was having the time of their lives being full of pride and respect for the city in which they lived.

And I was working.

Still, onto better things, The July Production rehearsals have begun, and from what I've seen, they're going to be bloody great plays.

Producing is fun!

Lyric Problems

Right, You're A Clever Bunch Of People.

What does This Mean?

~*Tranquilize by the killers, featuring Lou Reed*~

Time it tells living in my home town,

Wedding bells they begin easy

Live it down, baby don't talk that much,

Baby knows, but baby don't tease me.

In the park we could go walking,

Drown in the dark or we could go sailing

On the sea

Always here, always on time

Close call, was it love or was it just easy

Money talks when people need shoes and socks,

Steady boys, I'm thinking she needs me

I was just sipping on something sweet

I don't need political process

I got this feeling that they're gonna break down the door

I got this feeling they they're gonna come back for more

See I was thinking that I lost my mind

But it's been getting to me all this time

And it don't stop dragging me down

Silently reflection turns my world to stone

Patiently correction leaves us all alone

And sometimes I'm a travel man

But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing

Kick the can, kick the can, skip and blackjack

Steal a car and ring a round-rosey,

Rock and roll, candyland, boogeyman,

Run away and give me your sneakers

Acid rain, when Abel looked up at Cain

We began the weeping and wailing

A hurried high from pestilence, pills and pride,

It's a shame, we could of gone sailing

But heaven knows,Heaven knows everything

Tranquilize

I got this feeling that they're gonna break down the door

I got this feeling they they're gonna come back for more

See I was thinking that I lost my mind

But it's been getting to me all this time

And it don't stop dragging me down

Silently reflection turns my world to stone

Patiently correction leaves us all alone

And sometimes I'm travel man

But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing

Dead beat dancers come to us and stay

Cause i don't care where you've been

And I don't care what you've seen

We're the ones who still believe

And we're looking for a page

In that lifeless book of hope

Where a dream might help you cope

With the Bushes and the bombs

Are Tranquilized

Answers On A Post Card Please

x

Happiness!

~*He's coming home today.*~

That's all I want to say.

~*I'm so exited i could pop!*~

Cheerios

In a bid to be an Eco-warrior (If i was an Eco-warrior i would definitely have braids in my hair and wear my pants on the outside) I have brought a big shopper bag. I'm being constantly told about how plastic bags are ruining the world (just STOP making carrier bags and people won't use them, simple as) so i popped to my local shops and purchased a very pretty BIG bag.

then I had to go to somerfield to buy some grubgrub. This is where the point of this story actually begins.

Everything fitted rather splendidly into the bag, apart from a box of cheerios. now the point of the exercise was to not use shopping bags, so i just carried the box. new (and by now rather heavy) bag slung over my shoulder and a box of cheerios in he right arm. I think this looks perfectly normal. others seem to think it's odd. By the looks i was getting, you'd think i was leaving a trail of the god damn things whilst singing the final countdown at the top of my voice!

so what, never seen a 20 year old walk down the street eating cheerios straight out of the box before? (oh yeah, i forgot to state the eating part...oh well)

In other so called news, McBride has left for Scotland. At this very moment he is in a room full of people beating himself up in the name of drama! He's all exited because he has a cast for his Play in July. It's all go in McBride land!

Also, This needs to be said just in case i lash out at anyone. I haven't had any chocolate since Friday lunchtime. I decided to see if i could go the week McBride's not here without hugs, kisses or chocolate. So far, it's going well, only one major craving that was forgotten when family guy came on the TV. But I'm slightly worried that my hormone levels will drop and I'll be a limp and lifeless blob. With no endorphins in me, i may just start walking into stuff.

Of Course, Any Bumps and bruised will be reported.

And I wore criss cross tights out on Tuesday and sat in the sun for about an hour. now i have a very embarrassing criss cross tan on my legs! Woop de bloody doo!

Snow In April

I Love Snow! I Love the way it makes my fingers so cold that someone has to kiss them to warm them up. I Love the fact I've made my first EVER snowman I Love the way everything is clean and fresh, It's like the world is all brand new with a sheet over it protecting it. I Love the childish smiles on fully grown adults faces as they clutch each others hands tight and tip toe across roads. I Love the fact my nose is the same colour as my lips, a reddish blue.

I Love trying to catch a single snowflake on the back of my hand and watching it as it melts.

I Love the extra weight on my eyelashes that makes me blink faster and more often.

I Love Snow

Dumb

I've just spent a tenner in GAP and in return got a pair of jeans, a dress and two tops! not bad wouldn't you agree? makes the situation im in a little easier to deal with.

The situation bein i have very little voice left in me. (i can hear Steffi rejoicing in the kitchen as we speak.) Over the past couple of days i have felt as my poor little vocal chords has curled up in a little ball and gone "nope, we're not playing anymore, night night."

Obviously, through working in a busy shop, This becomes quite a struggle. People can't hear me basically and holding up a piece of paper over my head with big letters saying NEXT PLEASE! is just rude.

SO what to do, what to do?

*I could phone in sick i suppose, but that leaves the shop in a predicament. Lack of staff and wotnot.

*I could deal with it and try and talk normally. This is a bad plan, vocal chords giving up is a sign that less talking should take place.

*I could learn sign language and communicate that way. Then again most people in portsmouth can only just speak English,

so I'm desperately searching the web for someone to be my voice. It could be like dubbing, I'll stand there mouthing the workds and someone (preferably smaller than me) can stand behind and speak for me. It's fool proof!

Ok maybe not.

I miss the nasal tones my voice creates. (Steffi stop laughing at me!)

Earache Brings End To Weekend happiness

I've come to two conclusions today.

1: i hate pain, especially when the pain is a throbbing sensation in my right ear accompanied by the inablility to open my mouth.

2: I hate the wind. this crates an even painful throb when it reaches my ear and it seems that no matter what direction i face, it travels directly into my ear.

I'm high on nurofen (or however it's spelt) and i'm trying to chill out and forget it. the list consists of this.

• Camomile tea
• small hot water bottle on ear
• relaxing music provided my Seguir Ros
• The odd kiss on the nose and tight squeeze from Mr McBride.

This i have decided has no affect on the pain but does make me feel a little better with myself.

We went to a wedding on Saturday. Now i must admit, Both MrCbride and I are incredibly scruffy individuals and Saturday was a slight shock. I didn't know we could both scrub up to well.

McBride was one of many best men and looked very 'dapper' as Steffi informed me. I had to sew myself into my dress but apart from that, i felt rather glamourous.

Saturday was a fantastic opportunity to do on of my favourite past times: People watching.

Looking around the reception i noticed how happy everyone was. Everyone looked amazing and they were all there for a good time. You have to realise that the only time i really get to see all these people is sat in a circle on a thursday night talking about the theatre. so it was great to see people dancing, singing and generally have a great time.

Weddings are strange things though as they make emotions surface. Everone in a couple that day were very huggy and squeezy. Mr McBride hardle let go of my hand all day and hugged me quite frequently. Other couples were the same. It's amazing to see how one couple's declaration creates an atmosphere that others can't help but follow.

I only hope that the years that follow are as happy as the years prior. If not, i hope they're even better. It was a beautiful day, with beautiful people who just wanted to have a good time.

And Blimey do we know how to party!

Five Year Old Comes To Stay

Tonight, I'm having a night in. i usually spend these nights having a long soak, wearing a bright green gunk on my face, eating ice cream and vegging out on the sofa. Tonight however, brings a visitor, of the niece kind. (ok, so she's not actually my niece but my cousins littl'in.) The bouncy little bundle arrived just as my folks were leaving for an evening out (coincidence?) Last night i attending a hen party and drunk quite a lot of alcohol. I have no singns of a hang over but i am incredibly tired. But Five Year old has a weapon. she has her words. "Charley...I love you, thats why i like staying up late!" At this present moment, Five Year Old is running around the house armed with my camera taking pictures of everything in sight because 'she wants to be a photolady!' She should really be in bed, or at least sleepy, but The fact we've watched movies, eating cake and played with make up, ahs made her some what 'giddy'. So she's flashing away (strightly digital terms.) and showing me every one she takes as she takes it, Commenting on them with lines such as 'the light is pretty' 'i like the carpet in this one' and my personal favourite 'it's basically just a basic book'

Please Note the artistic skill! Now i will have to hide the camera, run a bath and wrestle her into the bubbles. where she will stay for all of about 4 minutes before asking to get out and snuggle on the sofa. there she will fall asleep on my until i decide my arm is too numb and carry her to bed. Saturday nights are fun aren't they?

A child running a shop

Monday mornings always bring forward the realisation that life doesn't stop and wait for you. this morning also told me that my blind doesn't wait for me either, as the bloody thing fell away to expose a very sunny day at 8 o'clock this morning. my first opportunity to sleep in and my bedroom blind falls away as if to say "come on, you've had your 8 hours now get up and empty the dish washer" Any way, back to the actual point to this. I had a rubbish rubbish Saturday. between the hours of 9 and 11, 95% of the customers i served at work were horrible. it wasn't just like they were a bit grumpy, they were actually horrible, blaming me for the fact that something had the wrong price on it, the fact that they hate shops with music playing. And believe that by looking at me and the other guy working there (Sam, aged 21) the shop is obviously run by children. I think these people actually went out to cause upset on Saturday. They don't believe me when i tell them I'm in charge, they give me a filthy look as if to say "you expect me to believe that someone with all those bracelets on their arms and dots of eyeliner would actually run a shop" In the end, i spent the busiest afternoon of the week out in the stock room and office doing paperwork and what i call 'backstage' stuff. I physically couldn't face the public for fear I'd slap someone. It's was a weird feeling, empty. I couldn't even be bothered to smile. Then came on the guilt, i felt selfish, arrogant and even more upset at that. So i forced on a smile for the last couple of hours before going home feeling deflated. I wanted to go to a comedy night that some friends perform but i couldn't raise a smile and i didn't want to bring down other perfectly normal people. So McBride took me home, fed me and gave me an extra large bar of Turkish delight. Then we watched the Goonies, (ultimate in comfort films)

Waking up on Sunday was completely different. The fact i wake up next to a crazy Scotsman always cheers me up anyway, but in the 4 and a half minutes it took me to get changed, i realised that yesterday was the top of the crapness, but that's done, and I'll get over it, everyone does it at the end of the day. Everyone wants to kill members of the public. Whether they walk really slowly and take up the whole pavement, whether they put their bag on the last seat on the bus and refuse to move it, or whether they just have an annoying laugh, Everyone pisses off someone. Lets face it, you're agreeing with me. I bet in this last week, at least one person has made you think "for f**k sake!"

So yesterday at work was an altogether better day. I do like working Sundays, The staff i work with are great, and people tend to be a little less GRRRR!!!! on a Sunday, maybe because it's gods day, i don't know And McBride met me for lunch, which was lovely. See, nearly of the happy things i talk about lead back to that little man. He's my hero! I don't know why i babble on about useless things like this, It's not interesting, It's not informative, it's just words thrown together, yet still I write. I don't know, maybe it's in the hope that someone will talk back with an answer, Maybe it's just a way to get it off my chest, or maybe it a reason to throw it all down on the table and see where I'm going wrong. I'm still learning a great deal from life, Like who to trust, who to stay clear of, whats best for both my body and my heart. It's a lot to think of when you're "A child running a shop!"

I'll stop now, that's enough.

Thank you for being patient with me.

x

~*Scotland (in Bite sized Chunks)*~

Sleeper trains are fun, If a little bit claustraphobic! Take the top bunk, you don't feel so squashed. It's nice to fall asleep and wake up in another counrty. plus you get Coffee at the door when you wake up. Walking starts to hurt when you walk all day everyday. but it's the best way to see stuff, especially when you're taking pictures. A bus ticket is a pound and that takes you as far as you want! Glasgow can be a slightly scary city. but has the Biggest Primark I have ever seen! Mr McBride can balance a spoon on his nose. I Cannot! You get better service if you speak in a Scottish accent. Apart from when you're girlfriend gets I.D'd. Here's the story, We went into a pub and I ordered a coke. one of the people we were with ordered a chilli and Mr McBride and I order a bowl of chips each. Then the waitress comes over and tells Mr McBride that because I'm under 18 I HAVE to have a full meal! (yeah, doesn't say that to me, says it to the boy beside me who's only 3 years older!) We explain that I am infact 20 years old but she asked for I.D. I didn't think you needed ID to buy a bowl of chips. So i order the Chilli under my name and the chips under the lady who we're with's name! annoying as hell! Anywho. Mr McBride has an audition for the RSAMD on the 3rd March so we popped to see where that was. (Big building)

We found a fantastic Chocolate shop. you had to duck under the hanging sweets to get in and you couldn't turn around to quicker because you would knock something off. I think between the 4 of us, we spent about £20. Not bad going.

Mr McBride's Sister and her partner got Engaged two days before we got there, so we drank lots of wine.

Mr McBride's play got selected, So we drank lots of wine.

I went in H and M and only spent £10, So We Drank lots of wine.

I wish I wasn't home, So I'm drinking lots of wine. lol

And We're Off

This evening Mr McBride and I are leaving for Edinburgh. Spending a week with his wonderful sister and her chappy. I'm so exited I think my head's gone wobbly.

When we went in the summer, it was wet, windy and chock a block with tourists (mostly Americans) and the whole week was based around the fantastic shows that we wanted to see (midsummer nights dream in the park and such)

Now don't get me wrong, that holiday was amazing, it was my first time in scotland and i fell in love in a instant, the beauty of it all was 100% breath taking.

This time, it's about just two tiny people in a huge city, We're gonna go slow, at our little pace. Plodding around in a competition of who can take the most artistic picture. Metcheck are flicking between Snow and Cloud, Either way, it won't feel much warmer than freezing at any given time of the day. (buying all those scarves in monsoon has finally paid off!) I've squeezed enough clothes into my little brown Mafia bag. and i must say i'm very imressed with myself, I've only taken two pairs of boots and i've even left behind my *gulp* straighteners!

So i'm all ready to go, We head off on a coach at half 8 this evening, then tube it across london to our sleeper train and wake up in Scotland. I think that's like the best journey ever, fall asleep in smoky London and wake up in Beautiful Edinburgh. Miss McFarley Like That!!! Also, just one other thing that makes this all so so good, It's Mine and Mr McBride's one year anniversary today.

Now there may be certain people reading this who are now thinking "hang on, she told me they didn't get together for about a month." But that's what happens when you break my heart so many times, I lie about what I'm up to. (Peeps, i'll let you in on a secret, Ex's sometimes become stalkers! just a note to memo)

So yeah, Me and the McBride fella have been for a year. In two weeks I will have known him for two years. I think that's pretty good going. (here comes the soppy bit) I must say, I think he's brave putting up with me and my ways, I must also say, i think he's the most Beautiful person in the world, even if he doesn't stick to shot gun rules. Have a fantastic week guys, I'm goff now to wrap up warm!

Fed Up With All Of It

I'm in the middle of a brief moment when i feel just 100% crap

I just feel like everything wrong with my body has come up at once.

I found out a week ago that i have a weak right kidney, and it's that weak right kidney that has caused my major lower back problems and infections of the innards for the past 4 years. It took a training doctor at the St Mary's drop in centre to tell me that, the other doctors went through a whole list from diabetes to ME before finally settling on the 'poor immune system' crap. It just makes me wonder what so many of the doctors do at work, It doesn't seem like they're really that bothered, just throw some antibiotics at the problem and hope it doesn't resurface.

Now before you judge me, I'm not saying all doctors are like this, the ones That Steffi sees about her head are wonderful people, the ones her looked after my dad after his heart problems were lovely, and the lady i had when i first got tonsillitis was sweet. But four the past for years i have been thrown from QA to St Mary's To My local GP to find out whats wrong with me. they took blood, they did scans and at the end of the day it just feels like they went "Bored with this girl now, lets just tell her she's got a rubbish immune system"

And now i find out that if i led the life of a typical teenager (lots of alcohol and stuff like that) I'd probably be looking at a new kidney by aged 35! Thank god i don't smoke or drink a lot!

So that got me down a bit, and as i got down, i got ill. Painful throat and a mouth full of ulcers. (yeah, 8th round in the tonsillitis game) making it illegal for me to do one of the few things that would cheer me up, kiss my McBride. Until at least Friday i have to basically not come into contact with ANYONE, i have to disinfect cups and cutlery i use, i have to wash my hands every 5 minutes and i can't let my lips touch anyone, which is hard for someone who hugs everyone in her path.

So I'm sat here, in solitary confinement, debating on weather or not i can be bothered to cook some food, i can't swallow it because it hurts my throat, and if i do eat it, i have to wash my hands at least 5 times, put the knife and fork in boiling water then bleach, disinfect the kitchen side as my hands have probably touched that as well, then put more cream on the cold sore, take more medication for the disease and drink a gallon of water. sounds like a plan to me!

Oh My Lord

Heath Ledger Has Died!

Life's Bloody Fragile!

Don't Waste It

That Is All!

The End Of Another Week

I'm beginning to realise just how precious time can be. I'm beginning to understand that spare time is a godsend and should never be wasted.

Today I went for a long walk along Portsmouth Seafront. With Mr McBride beside me, we walked against the wind, being overtaken by joggers and watching dogs run wildly after sticks thrown by frozen people. And I realised that the two of us hadn't spent any time alone together for a long time.

The fact that he lives with his brother and I live with my folks makes it a little difficult to find anywhere at home, basically the only time we're alone is when we're both asleep in bed. Over the last few weeks the two of us have been so busy that if we do see each other, it's for a couple of hours in the evening, or that 10 minute slot in the mornings before he goes to work.

Over that hour and a half, i felt so happy to be....well, happy just to be. I was cold, windswept and slightly wet but it wasn't an issue. and it was amazing.

I guess I just twigged that I worry way to much about the little things like the fact my back hurts, that fact that Mr McBride might leave for Scotland, just things that i can't change and may never happen. Obviously I want him to get into drama school more than anything but there's a part of me ( a selfish part) that just wants him to stay and snuggle.

But I'm pushing those thoughts away and just concentrating on the fact that he's here with me now, he still smiles at me in the mornings so i can't be doing that badly. he hasn't looked over with a face that says "oh god, you again!"

So now my free time will consist of happy things, I won't worry that one day I'll be helpless, I won't fuss over stupid details and I won't waste time wondering 'what if', because at the end of the day, life's too short for things like what if and if only. Face facts, life goes on, and I've got to just bloody well get on with it. Waste time on people who would waste time on me. Cry if i need to, but laugh a whole lot more.

It's like what i wrote in the sand only hours ago.

"Life's To Short For Chess"

Today...

Today, my blog consists of this

*There Are Two Pigeons Trying To Mate In The Tree In My Back Garden.*

This makes me quite uncomfortable and a little bit nervous, I mean, what if one were to fall out and hurt it's self, that's pain that's sooooo close to pleasure it's almost scary.

*Mr McBride Hugged Me So Tight Last Night I Thought I Might Pop*

This makes me smile, I haven't seen him since Thursday and that hug made me feel so safe, so warm. so loved. (made me go gooey)

*The Bus Pulled Into The Bus Stop Just As I Got There*

This was followed by a huge smile on my behalf as i stepped on out of the pouring sideways type rain.

*And I'm Going Back To Scotland!!!!*

This, I truly can't wait for.

And that is all.

Back To Routine

I start back at my teaching tonight. the first session since their play at the beginning of December.The fact i slept straight through last night makes me look forward to the hour and a half of hyperactive 7-11 year olds.They haven't got a show to do this term so i'll be spending my time with them doing workshop type things, all lot of what i teach them was taught to me in college (obviously i make some tasks a little easier for them, the fact being that some of them only come up to my waist!)

Things are beginning to look up. Yesterday Mr McBride and I booked two tickets to Edinburgh for February. It's the first time I'll be going on a sleeper train and this exites me as much as the holiday it's self.

Mr McBride is also getting exited about a play he's going to pitch to our theatre company. I'm sure he's at work now reading the script (again) jotting down notes (again) and smoking (still)

I've read the play he wants to pitch and I think it will blend really well with the play his friend is pitching. The plan is for both plays to be shown in the space of the two weeks, giving the audience more to look forward to.

The plays they've chosen are both quite contempory (One being Sarah Kane and the other being Philip Ridley) and I think that this will bring in a new audience, (students and young people) as well as the fail safe audience the bench know and love.

Obviously this is just a hope, but I think it will do well for the company as much in audience levels as in reviews and maybe more (the past two guide awards have gone to small plays by the bench, one being frozen and the other being art)

Anyway, onto other things, the bad dreams seem to have died down, I had one last night but it was no where near as bad, I didn't wake up during it and managed to stay asleep until 11 oclock this morning, apparently I said bye to Mr McBride when he went to work but it's not something I remember.

And I've grown!!!!! I got measured at the doctors the other day and I am now officially 5ft 3! hows that for good news mmm?

Bad Dreams

It's been 5 days since i last slept through an entire night. for the past five night i have been woken frequently by the same obsure and rather frightening dream.

Some factors change with every sleep but the general feeling of fear and panic rises to the point where I wake up with a start, often with tears.

Looking back, I only remember images of the dreams. I remember one part where I'm trying to run from something but my stomach is heavy and I can only crawl away slowely. a moment later, someone is leaving my house and I'm begging them to stay but they won't even look at me. (I never see this figures face but the fact it has red hair frightens me slightly)

And then there's always a bang, I don't know what it's linked to, maybe a gun, maybe something falling, but it's this moment that wakes me, and thats when I start to shake, I think it's the fact I'm a bit dissorientated and not fully awake but whatever it is, it makes me cry.

I've been told that during these dreams, I tend to clench my fists really tightly, I remember waking up from one episode to find Mr McBride holding me so tight I found it hard to breathe. the panic, fear and bewilderment all mushed up together so much that I had to hug him. then I couldn't let go.

I don't believe that dreams are a form of 'fortune telling' and I know that they can't hurt me, but it's creating a minature viscious circle, I wake up scared and can't get back to sleep, so I'm very tired, but when I fall asleep, it's there again, and I can't stop it. my unconciousness is taking control.

I'm shattered, I want to sleep!