Small people

British summers, they're full of drizzle, screaming children and the faint smell of drains. (Maybe it's just Portsmouth that deals with the last one.)

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So, armed with a big bottle of juice, cardigans, sun cream, jammy dodgers and camera, McBrde and I venture out to the seafront with a seven year old. (No worries, we had asked to borrow her from my cousin. We didn't just ake a random child from Sommerstown.)

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Little'in  wants to see the butterflies and the dinosaur so first stop is the common. Looking out to sea with a look of contemplation is a 50 ft dinosaur.  (I will say, the size is approxamate. As we type, McBride is looking into the middle distance and chewing the side of his mouth in a 'round about...probably...something like...' way),The dinosuaris part of an artist project that is also at a Local Gallery. We take some pictures and have a wander around the feet. Little'in then kicks the back leg and says "It's made of plastic don't you know?" We then cross over to the beach and throw stones. I pretend to throw little'in in the sea. Little'in tries to push McBride into the sea. McBride takes its a little further and gets me in a firemans lift.

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Next it's the arcade. It's ridiculous how accictive a two pence machine can get. It's also ridiculous how heavy the toys in the grabbing macine can be. Little'in is left empty handed after a massive win on the two pence machine. So we decide to cheer up up again by walking to the butterflies.

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McBride has to pop to see a friend so Little'in and I have a race all the way to the toilets. I'd forgotton that small children don't have strong bladders. I'd also forgotton the reason why I'd grown such a strong bladder. It's the public toilets on the seafront.

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Canoo Lake. Lots of small children with brightly coloured nets trying in catch tiny fish. There's families playing bumper pedlos and old people feeding pidgeons. Little'in and I sit on a bench dedicated to 'Ken Miller' and wait for McBride to return. I start daydreaming and only resurface when Little'im jumps on the bench and frantically waves her arms around. "He's not waving back.I think he needs to go to Specsavers!"

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Cuberland House has not changed at all since my first trip back around 1991. I'm sure it hasn't changed since 1951 to be honest. But all the same, we wander round, looking at a texidermists dream. Everytime we see the word 'Southampton' We are bombarded with facts about the Titanic. "That's where the Titanic sailed from. The Titanic hit an iceburg. Did you know the Titanic was meant to go to America?" Guess what this terms topic was a school.

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Anyway. We look at fish, stuffed animals and butterflies. We see a woman breast feeding quite openly in the butterfly house, (bit strange) And rush around after a 7 year following the same conversation over and over. "what's this?" "That's a..." "what's this?" "Well that's a..." "What's that?" "Stand still for two seconds and I'll explain." No matter how much wisdom McBride and me want to embark, we're back out the front door within about 20 minutes.

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Did you know that the pavement outside the natural history museum is made of fire? No? Us neither. But little'in is certain and uses this as a legitimate reason to scramble around trying to get on McBride's shoulders. Seriously pickle, It's starting to rain and we're waiting for a lift from a lady who promised us she'd be here 10 minutes ago. Calm down and ssshhhh.

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Children are great. They're full of questions that you know will take yonks to answer "Why is the queens husband not the king?" They say the most 'old people' things. "So, how are those eggs of yours coming along then?" and they make you quickly remember that you're no very fit. "Lets race to that tree!"

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At least when they're not yours, you can give them back when you're done.

Finding Things Out The Hard Way

Yesterday was the first day of my holiday. It was also a family friends 18th Birthday. I love a good party so decided to start my preparation early in the evening. I ran a hot bath, crumbled in a lush bubble bar and soaked myself into a prune.

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I also thought it would be a brilliant idea to have a packet of Maryland cookies next to me. I can assure you now that it's not. I'm reminded of the monster munch incident as I take a bite out of cookie number four. Yep, it breaks.Yep it falls into the water. Yep it all happens in stupidly slow slow-mo. Crap.

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So the next two minutes are spent fishing around under the bubbles for half a cookie. I've got images of the bubbles fizzling out as the sugar content eats away at the bath water. I have horrible thoughts about putting my hand underwater to discover my broken cookie has done a 'Gremlin' on me and turned into a scary human killing monster cookie. I swish my hand around and find it. A soggy, crumble piece of used-to-be-yumminess.

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Just when I think it's over, I grab the cookie and apply a little too much pressure. It crumbles into millions and millions (no exaggeration, honest) of pieces that float to the top. My water has been contaminated. I can feel the crumbs between my toes. This is not how a lush bath is meant to feel. No other option, the plug comes out, as does the McFarley.

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Being an 18th party, there were many teenagers present at the venue. Many of the men drunk on a pint of cider. Many  of the girls in dresses they look uncomfortable in. All but one of the girls. She looks very comfy in her tight grey mini dress. So confident in fact that she allows one of the boys to swing her around when a song they like comes on.

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But unfortunately what begins as a fifties style jive turns into a bit of a horrific moment. He swings her legs over in my direction. I turn around at the wrong moment and...No, no shoe in the mouth, no kick in the head. Just a flash up the skirt. (I must stress once more that this is a mini dress)

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There is nothing on under said skirt. Nothing. For what seems like a lifetime I am face to face with a 18 year olds...thing. Oh god, put the girl down, PUT HER DOWN!