Purple

My hair is purple!

Not in a shocking cartoon type kind of (oh my god she looks like an a plum!) kind of way, just a bit purple.

~*~

I'm trying out a new way of life. Saving money, slightly changing my image, eating less, exercising more. So far (Two days) I'm doing well. I've just got back from a gym session with Steffi and I haven't had a boots meal deal yet. (Boots have stopped doing their 'buy five meal deals and get the 6th free' Deal and I am NOT happy)

~*~

I'll tell the truth, I was getting slightly addicted to their sushi dish. I was starting to resemble a shrimp wrapped in seaweed (That would be weird) And I liked the fact that I can buy an innocent smoothie on the cheap. But I need to save money. I've worked out that if I keep saving the way I have been for the past few months, There's a small chance I can move up to Scotland in about July with a healthy sum of £6500!!! Yey me, lil miss saver. I could take on Howard's job in the Halifax advert. Although, I doubt I look as good in a suit!

~*~

McBride started Uni today. He phoned earlier and sounded like a small child high on sherbet. Talking about how he met this person and talked to these people and found this out and went here and looked there. It's good to know he's settled in well and by the sounds of it he's already made a couple of friends.

~*~

He called last night at about ten. Apparently he was home sick and 'Charleysick' and I realised the thing I'd been oblivious to. I came home to this immense amount of support and love, From friends and family and even a few loyal customers. Meanwhile, he's up there, alone, with little more than a few DVDs and a laptop. I couldn't help but feel a deep sadness for him. I'd been caught up in how I was getting through this, thinking 'Hey, he's got all this excitement coming, new home, new school, new friends!' I didn't stop and think 'what about the time before he makes the friends? Those first few nights when he's alone in his room?' He sounded so sad on the phone, I wanted so much to give him a hug. But all I could do was tell him the truth.

~*~

'I wish I was there, I miss you, I love you, Sweet dreams Jellybean.'

Podcast and Webcams

I've gone uber technical today and purchased a webcam! It was reduced and I thought 'Meh, why not'

~*~

I then got home, plugged the thing in and checked out Skype. It was free and I thought 'Meh, Why not'

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Then I created my little 'WeeMee' You needed to upload some kind of profile image and i thought 'Meh, why not'

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Now I'm waiting for McBride to arrive at his humble abode in Glasgow to tell him about it so he can say 'Meh, why not'

~*~

I've downloaded a shed load of AdamandJoe to my Iphone, (as well as a load of songs I'd forgotton about.) And I've been here most of the afternoon, Listening to Two chaps on a podcast. Kitten gave McBride a CD of Adam and Joe for his birthday and now I'm addicted. If you get a chance download podcast number 2. It's a very VERY funny review of and R Kelly song. (or should that be songs?)

~*~

What a lovely weekend it's been. It's warmer now than it was in July. I could say that this has been a perfect sunday full of sunshine and chilaxing. Only one thing missing.

But hopefully this evening He'll phone up for a chat and I'll think

~*~

Meh, Why not?

~*~

Love Him.

Music

It makes me smile.

~*~

Mr McBride made me a double CD compilation that I've listened to a million times already. I've cried to some

"Nobody ever says goodbye, But I don't mind, Just come home" Findlay Brown

"These arms of mine they are lonely, lonely and feeling blue" Otis Ridding

"Tonight the light of love is in your eyes. But will you love me tomorrow?" Amy Winehouse

~*~

But some make me smile.

"They made a statue of us, and put it on a mountain top" Regina Spektor

"She will always be the only thing that comes between me and the awful sting" Eels

"We'll be together for now and ever" Super Furry Animals.

~*~

Every song has a line that I could relate to. So many songs are doing that at the moment. It's a bit sad. Almost like I'm turning everyday songs into a soundtrack for 'The McFarley Movie" (I believe it would be a straight to DVD feature!)

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Even An American Tale.

~*~

"And even though I know how very far apart we are

It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath that same big sky."

~*~

35 days!

Routine

It's starting to get brighter. It's starting to get better. But it still hurts all the same.

Sunday was the ultimate in low days. It was the year anniversary of my Grandad's death. (I hate using the word anniversary. I always thought that word meant celebration, happiness and all that)

I went to see my other Grandad. It's strange, this man was always so tall, so stubborn, so proud. And yet, when I saw him on Sunday, he looked tiny. Not half the man I once used to help in his Shop. Pricing chocolates and filling Pick 'n' mix bags.

When I Walked in, he stared at me with vacant eyes and my heart just sunk. He'd forgotten who I was. I couldn't bear it. But then his eyes brightened and he whispered "Hello Beautiful, How's McBride?" Yep, He was still there.

~*~

Over dinner that evening, I suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness. I actually stopped breathing. I must have gone pale as my dad asked me what was wrong with panic on his face.

I just burst out crying. I couldn't do it, it was too hard. I could deal with McBride and Grandad and everything else in the same three days. It was too difficult. I felt small, tired, achy. It was the strangest feeling I've ever felt.

My mum said nothing, instead she just hugged me and let my cry into her shoulder. I cried until there was nothing left in me. I think she cried a little too.

My dad then said something that made it all better.

~*~

You can still see the same stars.

~*~

That small choice of words made me feel so much better. He was right. We were still under the same sky. That was when I decided what I had to do. I had to live MY life. Learn to drive, learn to cook, learn to appreciate my own company. Something I've always hated.

~*~

It's now Wednesday. I've been keeping busy and it's funny how quickly you get into a routine.

I have accepted the fact that McBride won't be outside when I leave work. He won't be there in the morning. I've accepted that My Grandad won't be here much longer. But I have so many amazing memories of the man that I know he'll never really leave me. He'll be in my head dancing to the YMCA at my Uncle's wedding. No amount of grief and despair will EVER take that away from me.

I just wish I could have a hug from him.

Day One

At 11:30 yesterday morning, I left my world on a train platform. I told him not to wait. Instead, I told him to walk away and not look back. if he did, I'd break down. I got on the train and literally watched my whole life dissapear into the distance as i hurtled through the Scottish countyside.

My eye were red and sore from holding back tears. My nose was running as a result and Ray Lamontagne was blairing into my ears. There was only one thing I could do. I pulled my hair out of it's pony tail, let it fall over my face and silently cried. The tears tasted salty as they reached my mouth. I didn't wipe them away, I let each one finish the journey it deserved, until it fell into my lap.

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I looked in the small red bag that he presented to me before I left. There was part of me that didn't want to look, because i knew that if i loked, it was definite, I was really leaving. But I knew I had too. I opened it and felt a smile spread across my flushed face.

Strawberry Bonbons, Dolly Mixtures, Love Hearts. All tucked up in a wee red bag and wrapped in a letter. I'll leave that for now. I have literally all the time in the world.

~*~

Then someone decided to jump in front of a train. leaving my train stuck in York for an hour and delaying my homecoming by over an hour and a half. But it did mean i got my ticket fully refunded. That was £57 I wasn't expecting to see again.

Gary came to meet me From Kings Cross and kept my company for the remainder of what had become an extremely long journey. I finally walked through my front door at 8 oclock. Two hours later than I'd hoped. But no rest for the wicked. Back out within 20 minutes, complete with make up, posh frock and make up.

~*~

I spent the night dancing away at a friends party. All was well. Until a slow dance. Then it all came storming back. I didn't have a dance partner anymore. He was miles away. Probably playing with his new laptop. Suddenly, I craved him so much. all those little things that i won't have for so long. Him holding my hand, kissing my nose, brushing the hair off my face. It wasn't until that moment that it actually hit me.

"He won't be there when you wake up in the morning"

~*~

Last night, I didn't sleep, I tagged all my Friends on Facebook, I watched two films back to back and I played with my Iphone. But I couldn't sleep. If i didn't fall asleep, I wouldn't wake up alone.

I didn't fall asleep but i did leave my house alone at 9 this morning and headed off to work.

~*~

But I've done it once, and I know it's possible. I can do this. I can be me still. God I'm going to miss him but how amazing is that feeling going to be when I get off the plane and see him there. Smiling.

10...9...8...

And so the countdown begins.

~*~

Scotland has called us again.Once again I'm on Liz Birds teeny tiny notebook with it's cute wee buttons and once again,I spent the day wandering around this beautiful city. (and yes, i did go to THAT chocolate shop.)

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Friday is speeding towards us like a train. at 11.30 I'll be jumping on a train bound for grotty Portsmouth, the seven hour journey includes an underground scramble from Kings Cross to Waterloo, lots of angry commuters and two new unread books. Only one thing missing..

~*~

MrMcBride.

~*~

Yep, the time has come for us to go our seprate ways. thehouse where i spent so many hours has been packed up and shipped out. I've said goodbye to the Cat that stumbled into the kitchen and we used the last of the milk. all that's left of this 'era' is the good bye.

And god am I dreading that.

~*~

But still, Christmas is already on it's way. Let's behonest, you're starting to think about presents. My shop put their Christmas cards out over two weeks ago. And by the 20th December, He'll be back in my arms again. Right where he belongs.

~*~

I can't wait.