Fed Up With All Of It

I'm in the middle of a brief moment when i feel just 100% crap

I just feel like everything wrong with my body has come up at once.

I found out a week ago that i have a weak right kidney, and it's that weak right kidney that has caused my major lower back problems and infections of the innards for the past 4 years. It took a training doctor at the St Mary's drop in centre to tell me that, the other doctors went through a whole list from diabetes to ME before finally settling on the 'poor immune system' crap. It just makes me wonder what so many of the doctors do at work, It doesn't seem like they're really that bothered, just throw some antibiotics at the problem and hope it doesn't resurface.

Now before you judge me, I'm not saying all doctors are like this, the ones That Steffi sees about her head are wonderful people, the ones her looked after my dad after his heart problems were lovely, and the lady i had when i first got tonsillitis was sweet. But four the past for years i have been thrown from QA to St Mary's To My local GP to find out whats wrong with me. they took blood, they did scans and at the end of the day it just feels like they went "Bored with this girl now, lets just tell her she's got a rubbish immune system"

And now i find out that if i led the life of a typical teenager (lots of alcohol and stuff like that) I'd probably be looking at a new kidney by aged 35! Thank god i don't smoke or drink a lot!

So that got me down a bit, and as i got down, i got ill. Painful throat and a mouth full of ulcers. (yeah, 8th round in the tonsillitis game) making it illegal for me to do one of the few things that would cheer me up, kiss my McBride. Until at least Friday i have to basically not come into contact with ANYONE, i have to disinfect cups and cutlery i use, i have to wash my hands every 5 minutes and i can't let my lips touch anyone, which is hard for someone who hugs everyone in her path.

So I'm sat here, in solitary confinement, debating on weather or not i can be bothered to cook some food, i can't swallow it because it hurts my throat, and if i do eat it, i have to wash my hands at least 5 times, put the knife and fork in boiling water then bleach, disinfect the kitchen side as my hands have probably touched that as well, then put more cream on the cold sore, take more medication for the disease and drink a gallon of water. sounds like a plan to me!

Oh My Lord

Heath Ledger Has Died!

Life's Bloody Fragile!

Don't Waste It

That Is All!

The End Of Another Week

I'm beginning to realise just how precious time can be. I'm beginning to understand that spare time is a godsend and should never be wasted.

Today I went for a long walk along Portsmouth Seafront. With Mr McBride beside me, we walked against the wind, being overtaken by joggers and watching dogs run wildly after sticks thrown by frozen people. And I realised that the two of us hadn't spent any time alone together for a long time.

The fact that he lives with his brother and I live with my folks makes it a little difficult to find anywhere at home, basically the only time we're alone is when we're both asleep in bed. Over the last few weeks the two of us have been so busy that if we do see each other, it's for a couple of hours in the evening, or that 10 minute slot in the mornings before he goes to work.

Over that hour and a half, i felt so happy to be....well, happy just to be. I was cold, windswept and slightly wet but it wasn't an issue. and it was amazing.

I guess I just twigged that I worry way to much about the little things like the fact my back hurts, that fact that Mr McBride might leave for Scotland, just things that i can't change and may never happen. Obviously I want him to get into drama school more than anything but there's a part of me ( a selfish part) that just wants him to stay and snuggle.

But I'm pushing those thoughts away and just concentrating on the fact that he's here with me now, he still smiles at me in the mornings so i can't be doing that badly. he hasn't looked over with a face that says "oh god, you again!"

So now my free time will consist of happy things, I won't worry that one day I'll be helpless, I won't fuss over stupid details and I won't waste time wondering 'what if', because at the end of the day, life's too short for things like what if and if only. Face facts, life goes on, and I've got to just bloody well get on with it. Waste time on people who would waste time on me. Cry if i need to, but laugh a whole lot more.

It's like what i wrote in the sand only hours ago.

"Life's To Short For Chess"

Today...

Today, my blog consists of this

*There Are Two Pigeons Trying To Mate In The Tree In My Back Garden.*

This makes me quite uncomfortable and a little bit nervous, I mean, what if one were to fall out and hurt it's self, that's pain that's sooooo close to pleasure it's almost scary.

*Mr McBride Hugged Me So Tight Last Night I Thought I Might Pop*

This makes me smile, I haven't seen him since Thursday and that hug made me feel so safe, so warm. so loved. (made me go gooey)

*The Bus Pulled Into The Bus Stop Just As I Got There*

This was followed by a huge smile on my behalf as i stepped on out of the pouring sideways type rain.

*And I'm Going Back To Scotland!!!!*

This, I truly can't wait for.

And that is all.

Back To Routine

I start back at my teaching tonight. the first session since their play at the beginning of December.The fact i slept straight through last night makes me look forward to the hour and a half of hyperactive 7-11 year olds.They haven't got a show to do this term so i'll be spending my time with them doing workshop type things, all lot of what i teach them was taught to me in college (obviously i make some tasks a little easier for them, the fact being that some of them only come up to my waist!)

Things are beginning to look up. Yesterday Mr McBride and I booked two tickets to Edinburgh for February. It's the first time I'll be going on a sleeper train and this exites me as much as the holiday it's self.

Mr McBride is also getting exited about a play he's going to pitch to our theatre company. I'm sure he's at work now reading the script (again) jotting down notes (again) and smoking (still)

I've read the play he wants to pitch and I think it will blend really well with the play his friend is pitching. The plan is for both plays to be shown in the space of the two weeks, giving the audience more to look forward to.

The plays they've chosen are both quite contempory (One being Sarah Kane and the other being Philip Ridley) and I think that this will bring in a new audience, (students and young people) as well as the fail safe audience the bench know and love.

Obviously this is just a hope, but I think it will do well for the company as much in audience levels as in reviews and maybe more (the past two guide awards have gone to small plays by the bench, one being frozen and the other being art)

Anyway, onto other things, the bad dreams seem to have died down, I had one last night but it was no where near as bad, I didn't wake up during it and managed to stay asleep until 11 oclock this morning, apparently I said bye to Mr McBride when he went to work but it's not something I remember.

And I've grown!!!!! I got measured at the doctors the other day and I am now officially 5ft 3! hows that for good news mmm?

Bad Dreams

It's been 5 days since i last slept through an entire night. for the past five night i have been woken frequently by the same obsure and rather frightening dream.

Some factors change with every sleep but the general feeling of fear and panic rises to the point where I wake up with a start, often with tears.

Looking back, I only remember images of the dreams. I remember one part where I'm trying to run from something but my stomach is heavy and I can only crawl away slowely. a moment later, someone is leaving my house and I'm begging them to stay but they won't even look at me. (I never see this figures face but the fact it has red hair frightens me slightly)

And then there's always a bang, I don't know what it's linked to, maybe a gun, maybe something falling, but it's this moment that wakes me, and thats when I start to shake, I think it's the fact I'm a bit dissorientated and not fully awake but whatever it is, it makes me cry.

I've been told that during these dreams, I tend to clench my fists really tightly, I remember waking up from one episode to find Mr McBride holding me so tight I found it hard to breathe. the panic, fear and bewilderment all mushed up together so much that I had to hug him. then I couldn't let go.

I don't believe that dreams are a form of 'fortune telling' and I know that they can't hurt me, but it's creating a minature viscious circle, I wake up scared and can't get back to sleep, so I'm very tired, but when I fall asleep, it's there again, and I can't stop it. my unconciousness is taking control.

I'm shattered, I want to sleep!