First class

I'm on a train. If I was in a bragging mood I'd say I was in first class with free wifi and as much free food and tea as I could take. I'm not in a bragging mood. Lucky you ey?
~*~
What's new? How are you? If you're reading this then more likely than not, you're one of the people I'm on my way to see. I'm on my way to Portsmouth for a week for party's and drinks and cuddles and cake. The now thirty year old Cricket is following me down on Friday, his birthday went by in a half drunken blur, full of Mario World, Food network UK and German beer. It was good.
~*~
The woman opposite me has the new IPhone. I found out when she told whoever she was talking to via her new iPhone that she does indeed own the new iPhone and she will use her new iPhone to email over an email she has on her new iPhone.
I had an iPhone. I'm typing this on my iPad right now, but I've turned a corner with regards to my 'Apple Addiction'. I now own a Samsung. The very model that iPhone are hating right now. I've placed it on the table in front of her. She keeps looking at it like it's a rotten steak. Half disgusted, half scared. Her iPhone hasn't left her hand. Maybe she's afraid that if she let's go, her iPhone will befriend my bad boy Samsung who will lead it down a dirty galaxy path filled with customisable screens, the ability to mute itself by rolling over and a want for changing it's battery at will. She'll find it in five years time snorting megapixels of a 4G connections thigh. Poor little iPhone.
~*~
I think I might be high on travel sick tablets.
Oh look, my complementary bacon roll is here.

Shouting (contains strong language)

Things I've shouted at in the past 6 hours.

(all of them inanimate.)

1: Colander. Because it was sitting upside down on the draining board. it looked dry so I picked it up and flipped it over only to have me bare feet soaked by the water hidden in the rim. (Cricket has since informed me that the colander is an attention seeking object who wishes to make everything that little bit harder for its own amusement.)

Words used 'F**k sake, wet foot, that's nice ya wee git!'

2: Flour. Because it fell out of the bag too quickly and landed all over the kitchen side,

Word used 'Bollocks'

3: Coat hanger. Because a top I put on it instantly fell off onto the floor. Four times! It didn't occur to me to just swap coat hangers. 

Words used (on the fourth attempt) 'Oh for the love of God!'

4: Duvet. Because I tripped over it, which resulted in me banging into the door.

Words used 'Bastarding duvet'

5: The door I banged into: see above

Words used 'Ouch'

6: A shoe: Because it was wedged under the sofa.

Words used: 'frigging flanging bdgaskd fbaiufg erh tgwqfnmb'

No please be aware, I've been alone in the house all day today. Just me, my baking, and my profanities.

I think i may be slightly hormonal today. 

~*~

Sorry for the language Steffi.

Advice

I've got serious heartburn tonight.
~*~
It's the closset I've got to a hangover. I went out with friends last night and drank quite a bit. We ate Chinese food and laughed about the fact I can't eat mashed potato.
~*~
This morning I woke up with a slight twinge of a head ache. Uh oh I thought. In the end it was nothing but at the time I thought 'oh god, my first hangover. I must be getting old.'
~*~
Ever the hero, Cricket rolls over and lends me some advice...
'Ways to get rid of a hangover. First of all you need a shower. So go have a wee shower now. Then a big cup of coffee. That'll make you feel loads better...'
~*~
Kind of a given but he's not finished yet
~*~
'A big fry up is a must. Give you some fuel then after all that, if you still feel a bit pants,...

Have a big old poo!'
~*~

Lets just say I was fine with the first three.

Lonely Cup

I'm walking through town. Stomping, if you like. Walking quickly in order to hop on the underground and zip to Crickets house on the south of the river. If I remember correctly, Boomtown Rats are explairing that they don't like a certain day of the week.
~*~
Outside Hmv sits a small child's beaker. A pink affair with handles and a sipper style lid. Obviously a child has dropped it and not noticed.
~*~
What's this? Someone walking towards it?
~*~
I cannot take my eyes off him. A tall man in a black leather jacket walks over to the beaker. Slowly looks around before crouching down. He loses his balance and uses the wall as an aid. Still looking around, he slyly picks up the tippy cup and raises it to his mouth.
~*~
Surely not...



Yep.
~*~
He takes a swig. Holding it like a hipflask. He tilts his head back. The sun hits his face to show beads of sweat on his brow. He is a broken sweaty little man. He knows it's wrong but he's in need. He's tired, he's thirsty. It has come to this.
~*~
It's empty.
~*~
He swears quite loudly and throws the beaker on the floor. Before reaching into his pocket and pulling out a bottle of irn bru... he had a drink all along? What?
~*~
Strangely, that wasn't even the strangest part of my day.

10 things (small post to ease you in)

Oh yeah. My blog. I've neglected it for too long
~*~
Nearly three months without a post. Sorry about that. I've been a busy girlie.
For example

1: I climbed Ben Lomond with Steffi, Gary and my Uncle.
2: I cycled for miles with five other crazy people including Cricket.
3: I've made what is quite possibly the best cake I've ever made. Complete with a layer of blackcurrent jam and a layer of nutella in the middle.
4: I've seen more films in the last three months than I have in the past four years.
5: I've helped Cricket move into his flat. Built tables, chairs and bookshelves. Helped transport fridges across the city. Been on numerous trips to Ikea and flicked through various hone catalogues.
6: I watched my cousin get married to the love of his life in a beautiful ceremony surrounded by family. Even the rain didn't stop the smiles.
7: I've applied for funding to complete a cake decorating course which starts in the next few months.
8: I'm organising a 75th birthday party for October.
9: I've served some very very strange customers
10: I'm happy.
~*~
So that's good.
~*~
I'm blogging this from my swanky new Samsung galaxy. It's beautiful. The only problem I have is that it makes a splashing sounds when I press the side button. Not a problem... until I'm in a public toilet and I want to check something. If I turn on my phone, the woman in the next cubicle will think the 'plopping' sound is coming from me.
~*~
I tell you now, washing your hands next to a stranger who thinks you've just done an almighty poo is an awkward thing to do.

Cluck Cluck

Steffi and I got drunk!

~*~

At two in the afternoon.

~*~

I'll start at the beginning, using bullet points until the point when the story reached two pm (ish) on Saturday 26th May.

~*~

• Cricket and I drive to Portsmouth on the Thursday. We have curry with the folks Thursday night. We go shopping on Friday morning, sit on the guildhall steps and catch the sun (Cricket gets 'hair tan') and Steffi and I head off to Bournemouth on Friday afternoon.
• We pick up Mummy Lin (Auntie) and Nat (Cousin) on the way. Then, armed with some party clothes, a bikini or two and a bag full of fallac shaped novelties, head off to Gemba's Hen do.
• So you're aware, Gemba is marrying my cousin Jon in about five weeks time. There are about 18 'hens' all together.
• Friday evening is spent in a small pub. we eat a meal, we get frustrated with a stag party from Dover, then watch as a scantily clad woman dances for them. (She also makes out with her equally 'flesh showing' friend.) We then head back to the hotel and dip our feel in the pool.
• Saturday morning we walk along Bournemouth sea front. We get airbrush tattoos, we walk back, we lounge by the pool, we catch more sun, we walk to a local bar.
• End Of Bullet Points

So this is a cocktail making lesson. To be fair, I'm expecting some easy to follow, easy to make, maybe even slightly watered down cocktail. Yep, that's what I thought.

~*~

We're given a few jugs of purple ribena flavoured squash. It's about 30 degrees so we gladly glug it down. only to be told that they were actually quite alcoholic. Oh well, never mind. Three glasses go down nicely in the heat. Not the most mature thinking, maybe.

~*~

Then we stand around the bar and watch the bar staff make a 'Traffic light'. T traffic light has three layers, red orange and green,(hence the name, obvious when you think about it.). We are told how to measure the shots, bang the shakers together, shake it up and pour it in. We then go behind the bar six at a time and make our own 'Traffic light'

~*~

We are all still quite well behaved at this point. Cameras are clicking, people are laughing and I successfully make my first cocktail other than my trusty 'White Russian'. Then Steffi takes a turn.

~*~

How To Make A Traffic Light

How Steffi makes a Traffic Light

One shot of Midori (Melon liquor) pour over ice

Two shots of midori (plus a little bit that 'fell in') pour over ice

One shot of peach schnapps with two and a half shots of orange juice (Shaken and poured over midori)

Two shots of peach schnapps with one shot of orange juice, (Shaken,) lose the ability to open the shaker (Optional)

One shot of vodka and two shots of cranberry juice (again, shaken and poured over orange juice)

Two shots of vodka and a dash of cranberry juice (again shake and fail at opening the shaker.

Enjoy responsibly

Knock back in a matter of moments.

~*~

And the afternoon pretty much goes from there. We all make a cocktail, then we taste a selection of other cocktails. One is an Appletini and another another tastes like a blue slush puppy. Nat and I work out that if we stand at the very back of the tasting queue, we can finish off the cocktails. We then choose our favourite and take it in turns to make our chosen one. Mine is red and green. (more midori and a disarono concoction. And Steffi chooses the blue slush puppy.

~*~

We make our 'tails and the same thing happens. I have video evidence of Steffi pouring a large amount of vodka straight from the bottle into the glass before handing over both bottle and shot measure to the woman next to her and saying 'One shot of that.' 

~*~

It's very hot, the cocktails go down very quickly and heads begin to get fuzzy. Steffi is very giggly, I'm getting very loud. Everyone is very happy. Steffi then shouts very loudly to the bar staff over the din 'HAVE YOU GOT A PAMPHLET?' 

~*~

I pamphlet. On how to make cocktails. 

~*~

These are the only secrets I shall share with you, sweet reader. For what happens at the hen do, goes on facebook but never on blogger.

~*~

But I got my mother drunk for the first time in a very very long time. And a drunk Steffi is like a normal Steffi, just with a dirtier laugh.

~*~

And she can hop like a frog when she wants to.

A Little Thought

I think it might actually be warmer out there!

~*~

Today I finished work at eight and walked home without my coat on. a mini marvel.

~*~

Speaking of marvel, Cricket and I went to the cinema yesterday to watch The Avengers. It was frigging awesome. After a two year cinema free spell (The last film i went to see at the cinema was Inception, I know) I have been to the 'pictures' three times in the last two weeks. Once to see Avengers, once 'Hunger Games' and once to see 'Titanic'

~*~

During James Cameron's epic, Cricket and I had an idea. A happier ending to the film.

~*~

Jack is freezing to death whilst Rose lounges leisurely on the big plank of wood. He drifts into blackness and she tells him she'll never let go. She then lets go and he disappears into the void.

~*~

He then awakes to find he's sitting on a jet plane surrounded by Joseph Gordon Levitt, Tom Hardy and the girl from Juno and along the bottom reads a single word...

~*~

Inception.

~*~

Easter...

This Sunday is Easter Sunday. A day that, Like most holidays has lost its true meaning in the hype of commercialism. Ask any child what Easter is about and most will say 'Easter Eggs. Chocolate, baby lambs, chocolate'

~*~

And that's my point.

~*~

On Pancake day, (Or 'Shrove Tuesday' if you will) I had dinner, I had a cup of tea, I had some chocolate.

My last chocolate for 40 days. Since then I've resisted Cadbury's Mini eggs, Cafe Nero Hot Chocolate, Chocolate biscuits, Phish Food, Brownies, Jaffa Cakes, all because I felt it a good idea to give up chocolate for lent. Stupid, I know. 

~*~

But I haven't let myself down. I've been bloody good if I do say so myself.

~*~

At a Chinese restaurant i walked straight past the massive pile of chocolate covered mini doughnuts. When a customer gave the shop a box of roses to say thank you, I declined when the box got to me. I didn't even kiss Cricket after he had a chocolate bar right in front of me because there was every chance that I would bite his lip off in a 'Twilight blood fetish' moment.

~*~

Looking back, I'm very proud of myself. To be honest after a couple of weeks I became almost indifferent to chocolate itself, but knowing that I could put my mind to something, say I could do it and actually succeed makes me chuffed. Go me.

~*~

Although, other things got cut out of my life for most of Lent.

~*~

My Manager went to cover another branch and won't be back until after Easter.

V went of holiday for a while.

I lost my favourite necklace and only found it a few days ago.

Cricket buggered off to Australia for three weeks.(He's back now, just as pale, just as lovely)

So in the grand scheme of things, chocolate seemed quite inferior in my 'Things that I miss' List.

~*~

On Sunday I will be having chocolate spread on toast for breakfast, with a hot chocolate on the side. After lunch I will devour at least one of my Easter eggs. (So far I have two) and then proceed to eat an entire block of chocolate Turkish delight.

~*~

I'll then probably throw up.

~*~

Happy Easter Boys and Girls.

My Sharona

Another Day, Another Post, I'm Thinking Of Going Pro!

~*~

Sorry, I've Been Posting Things on Ebay And I'm Now I'm In 'Type Every Word As A Proper Noun With A Capital Letter' Phase.

~*~

Right, I think it's out of my system now. Shall we continue? 

~*~

I've painted my kitchen. It's all pretty. One wall is a light apple colour and every now and then, within the crisp white tiles, there's a lovely pastel coloured square. It's lovely. And I did it all by myself.

~*~

Now like you may be aware, I listen to Absolute Radio. As I pull the chair up towards the sink and the window, I sing along to 'My Sharona.' I grab the paint and the roller and prepare to ascend onto the chair then onto the side to paint above the window. 

'When you gonna give me some TIME SHARONA?'

Oops, need the paint brush for this bit, I grab paint brush and head back over to the chair.

'Close enough to look in my EYE SHARONA'

Get the chair prepared, put the paint onto the draining board

'Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind'

Put first leg onto chair

'My, My, I, I, I...'

OUCH!

~*~

Yep, I have gone to put my foot on the chair and kneed the handle on the cupboard under the sink... And now I'm doing the 'Oh god, that blinking hurt' (Or stronger words) dance whilst holding a paintbrush covered in 'Foliage Green'.

~*~

It's o.k, the pain is gradually dying away and I didn't swear too loudly. Back onto the chair. (Carefully) and up into the side. Then I look out and see a woman stood at the bus stop below my window. She standing in the spring sunshine. She seems happy. She's dancing to my music. How lovely. 

~*~

Bang! my head hits the ceiling. Pain and pleasure. They're so close together.

Random Acts Of Kindness

A couple of days before Mothers Day, a guy came into my shop and walked straight up to me.

"Can you help out a guy who loves his mother but is down to his last £35?"

"What do you need?"

"That Mum locket at £37.50."

"I can't let it go for any cheaper I'm afraid, the system won't let me."

The guy rummages through his pocket and finds another £1.50. He's still a pound short

"You're still a pound short, I'm really sorry but I physically can't do it."

"Is there anything you can do?"

He has a pretty face.

I go to my OWN purse and take out a pound coin. I hand it over.

"Now this is from my own purse so think yourself lucky."

"You're a diamond. You really are, I won't forget this. When i have money again I shall return with a gift for you."

"You don't have to, it's only a pound, But I do like diamonds."

He winks at me and smiles and after the transaction, is on his way.

~*~

My Random Act Of Kindness.

~*~

Today I have a day off but pop into work to see the girls. Waiting for me is a chocolate egg with my name on it and a Thank You card.

I don't really know what to say about it. Apparently he seemed really sincere when he gave it in. Bless him. I gave him a pound, that was all, And now there is literally a chocolate egg on my coffee table with my name on it.

~*~

You see, You give a little love and it all comes back to you. 

Hey World!

Yes, I'm still alive!

(I know)

~*~

Sorry for the lack of posts, I've been somewhat busy over the last couple of months. I won't say too much, just the old cliche...

~*~

... So there's this boy...

~*~

I'm not going to say too much. But just so you're aware, 'Cricket' will probably be making more and more appearances in these coming posts. You have been made aware.

~*~

Onto important news... Being domestic.

~*~

1: Shopping.:~ I'm in the middle of what we call 'The Big Shop' and I'm standing in the non food section. I've picked up sponges and washing powder and now I need loo roll. Only now do I realise that I've been stationary for no less than four minutes staring at the wall of soft paper with a purpose.

Why is it necessary to have so many different toilet rolls? Do I want triple ply? Patterned? Peach? Pack of four for £3? 12 for £78? (OK so the last one wasn't true.) I look up and down the aisle and notice about five other women, all looking at the wall of paper with the same perplexed look. Since when was it this difficult to buy something that's going to hang on the wall an end up in the north sea?

~*~

Whilst we're on the subject, am I the only person who has a 'way' of hanging my toilet roll (I feel we've hit and all time blog low) 

I always have it so that the 'end' hangs closest to me and not next to the wall. Is that something anyone else does? Or is it some weird OCD I have? Like folding crisp packets, or tucking my hair behind my ear?

~*~

2: Decorating:~ I'm in the process of decorating my kitchen. Over the past week (Cricket is in Australia) I have scrapped the paint of of my tiles one by one. For some reason my whole flat has been painted beige. (Maybe there was a wholesale deal on magnolia in B and Q) and that includes my kitchen tiles. So every evening, after dinner, I turn on Absolute 80's on the radio and take on the used-to-be-white-then-blue-but-are-now-beige tiles one by one. 

~*~

3: Sorting out clothes:~ anyone in nee of any clothes sized 8-10? I have a massive bundle. Let me know. Ta.

~*~

4: Everything else:~ I can now cook, bake, unclog u-bends, change fuses, sew, knit, play ukulele, (that's not a domestic thing, just a blag) hang pictures, clean ovens and customise furniture, all the while sporting something polka dot and singing a song from the 80's. I am a domestic goddess.

~*~

I'll blog again by the end of the weekend.

~*~

I promise it will have more substance than this one. 

A new year.

They come quicker than ever don't they.

I promised in my last blog a lot of moments, Christmas, Birthdays, other moments worth treasuring. And I will, in good time.

I'm heading home tomorrow for the weekend. In a way it's nice to live so far away, because I can always get that excimtment of knowing that tomorrow I'll see my home. And my beautiful parents. I can reach the train station and feel like all my worries are gone because soon I'll be in my old room. I think no matter how old we grow, no matter what we achieve in life, there's always a small part of us that craves that innocence of home life. That security that only home gives you.
~*~
As much as I adore my life in Glasgow, it's nice to run away every now and then. Run back to the place where I spent so many years wishing I'd run away from. As soon as you leave you suddenly see everything through Rose tinted glass. In my case, I want more than anything to pop to the local cafe with my dad. Sit in a pizza hut with my mum people watching. Sit in a circle in a lecture room and talk about plays with my friends.

I truly believe that home is where the heart is. I woke up on my birthday in my own flat that I pay for, I made a cup of tea with the kettle I was bought as a house warming gift. I watched the tv I pay the licence for, I used the electricity I topped up the previous evening. My flat is my home. But only when it got to lunch time did it suddenly feel like home.

Why?

I looked out of my shop to find my parents stood outside waiting for me.
~*~
Suddenly I felt like I was really home. As the surprise and happiness took hold, I understood completely why that phrase 'home is where the hear is' was penned.

I've build a home with someone before. I hope to do it again one day because it's a wonderful feeling knowing that you've contributed to someone's life enough for them to want to do that. But I know now that no matter where I am in the world, my home will always me wherever those two are. My parents are my home.
~*~
I can be soppy at times. I blame the cold weather.
~*~
Onto other things, my shop is getting a refit. We spent Monday packing up stuff and waiting around drinking tea whilst builders assured us they were on their way.

We got onto the subject of You Tube. We chatted about funny cats, flash mobs and ducks being blown over. Then my manager mentioned the 'Michael Jackson's ghost' clip.

I knew what one she meant. But V and Hepburn (another new name for you, but her recent antics I'm sure she'll be here more often) hadn't. So we found the clip and let them watch it on V's phone. Then we waited.

They watched with intent as this very quiet video showed them things. Then, as a terrifying face suddenly filled the screen and screamed at them, the following happened.

Both Hepburn and V screamed very loudly.
V threw the phone across the room in panic
Hepburn repeatedly punched V on the arm whilst panting and almost hyperventilating.
Both went very very pink.
~*~
Where's a camera when you need one?