Because of this, I've decided to invent my own BGT finals, one without a twirling dog and a band of Justin Beiber mini clones.
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And kicking off tonight LIVE final is, THE WRONG ROAD.
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We need the A619. So we turn left out of our house in Chesterfield and down towards a massive roundabout. Turn all the way round and head back down the road we were already on. The A619 is indeed the road our holiday house was located.
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Next tonight, Performing live, it's STEFFI'S DISAPPEARING KEYS.
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We decided it was a fun Idea to walk from Bakewell to Buxton on and old abandoned railway. Great idea. So both cars drove to Bakewell, all passengers disembarked. Both cars then drove to Buxton. We dropped one car off there (To get into at the end of the walk) and drove the other back to Bakewell before setting off on the 8-actually it's 12- mile hike.
4 miles in, we're walking through a wee village when out of nowhere we hear "F**KINGHELL!!!"
We turn to find a distraught Steffi holding her hands up in the air and shouting. "What a tit, We're walking to get my car. Where are my car keys? In Trevs car."
Well, done, the dark horse of the competition. The grannies out there will love it.
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Ok now this next act is something you shouldn't try at home. Please welcome, POOH BREADS
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Yep, Pooh Breads. Like Pooh Sticks but with...well...bread really. Four of us played this game. You take a quarter of a slice f bread n hurl it into the river. first quarter to float to the weir is the winner. The current can be fierce and there's ducks and fish that could grab your quarter at anytime. Sheer adrenaline rush.
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Next up, an act that needs to introduction, It's AUDIO TOUR VOICE OVER
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Bolsova castle. £8 to get in so it had better be worth the money. We got given some walkie talkie looking things that gave us a virtual tour of the castle. A northern man told us 'personal history' "I can remember it now, all the hustle bustle, food going into the dining room, kitchen staff passing out from the heat, tourist plodding around 400 years on"
But it was the historical voice over that made it. The same voice that provides you with stations when on a train. The same voice that helps you home on your Sat Nav. Only this voice was...raunchy. "If you continue walking along the wall, you will see the stables...and I'm wearing nothing but Chanel Number 5." The Statues surrounding this fountain are made from marble...and have been very naughty."
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OK, now, it's been in the press a lot this week and may catch on as a dance trend. It's THE PENGUIN
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Steffi wore new flip flops to the shops and the soles were still quite slippy. Driving was a bit difficult due to her foot slipping off the clutch. So when we parked, she got out and started to shuffle around the car park with her arms held slightly away from her body. She shuffled in little circles, zig zags and spirals. She looked like a small penguin that had been left to it's own devices and had invented the game, 'both feet need to stay on the floor at all times.'
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And, the final act of the night, It's BRITAINS GOT TALENT.
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Britain does have talent. It does. But it also has a million street dance groups, Too many spoilt brats and way too many adverts.
Each act is 2 minutes long. 8 acts a night, that makes 16 minutes of performance. Add on a small intro and judges reactions, I make that 32 minutes of program. How the hell can you make it last and hour and a half? Seriously!!!
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So, the lines are now OPEN. The winner will be announced in a half an hour program with a 4 minute concept after Harry Hill's TV burp. See you then.
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