Posting before I lose the nerve...

There's a small suitcase. It has a martini glass and a clutch purse painted onto the side of it. It sits on my bedroom floor. This evening, for the first time in months, I opened it.

• A programme from a RSAMD production that you weren’t in. You took me to see it when I came to visit you.
• A train ticket dated the day after a friends house party. The night we first shared a bed. Even though we were telling the truth, nobody believed us when we said that nothing happened.
• A cork from the bottle of wine we shared at dinner the night that something did happen for the first time. We’d knocked over the empty bottle and made your housemate think we’d done it right there on the kitchen table. Little did he know that there were candles lit in your bedroom.
• A picture of you as a three year old playing in the park with an 18 year old monkey. A picture your parents gave to me to make me smile when you’d moved 500 miles away.
• A betting slip from Tipner greyhound stadium. Our dog didn’t win, I don’t even know if it finished.
• A note you left on the pillow one morning. An A5 sized sheet folded over that once opened, just read, I tiny writing ‘Love you!’
• A doodle of a butterfly that you made at work one very boring day. You took a picture of it on your phone and sent me it before giving me the doodle itself later that evening.
• A picture of you and me dressed in 50’s clothing from the time we went to a ‘countries’ party as ‘Greece’. Forget the togas and leaves, it’s all about Danny and Sandy.
• Another picture taken beside a river in Edinburgh. You wore that hat with the silly bits over the ears. You snuggled into my cheek and held the camera high.
• A gift tag addressed to ‘Penfold’
• A Jack of diamonds that you gave me backstage at our first show together. You said it was good luck. I put it in the small satchel I carried around for the entire play. We got a fantastic review and a full house every night. I think you were right about the luck.
• A decoration from the bunch of flowers you gave me ‘because it’s Thursday’
• Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary cards. Photos, Tickets to gigs, shows, cities. Tags from presents, notes we pinned to the cork board in the kitchen
• Memories, Moments, Love

All tucked away in a little box at the end of my bed.

I miss you.

So Apparently I'm Sexy

A little blog about what happened a couple of weeks ago.

~*~

As you are aware, Buchanan Street is awash with buskers. A new addition to this atmosphere is a very good saxophonist. He manly scats, so when you're reading the random words part later on, imagine it is a bluesy, jazz style. ta

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I have to go to the working jeweller to get a ring sized for a customer. Buchanan street is very busy. I walk towards the saxophonist who's perched outside House of Fraser. He's free styling like a trooper. bab bab badoop bow bow badoop doop be bab... you get the picture, but suddenly, he spots me walking towards him. I walk quite quickly when I'm walking alone, almost like a stomp really. This sax player seamlessly changes his free styling into...

~*~

The Stripper!

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Bab ba doop doop bow bow, da da daaa...da da daa daa...da da daa (Now, in my head, that's how The Stripper goes.) Then once I've walked past, he effortlessly goes back to his free styling.

~*~

I obviously have a certain attraction, either that or he was being incredibly ironic.

I'll let you decide!

Hell and Back (Via Milton Keynes)

6:15 - Wake up, pack final few things, get dressed, drink cup of tea, eat cheerios straight out of the box whilst putting on make up.

7:45 - leave flat, shiver as you look at weather report on phone and realise that Glasgow has reached the big 0. Walk through Glasgow Green and towards central station. (Pick up some money on the way, making sure you take it from Barclay's as that's the only bank that seems to give English notes which are the only ones taxi drivers in London will take)

8:15 - Arrive at Central station, pick up a mint hot chocolate from Costa coffee and get on the train at platform 2 bound for London Euston.

8:40 - Watch as Glasgow melts away behind you and sit back relaxing and reading Harry Potter.

~*~

From now on, times are estimates. So here goes...

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12:00 - Train slows before stopping completely in the middle of nowhere.

Five minutes later - 'Hi, this is Jackie your train manager. Right, I'm going to give you all the information I know...We've stopped! Sorry I can't tell you anymore. I will let you know the moment I know something.

Five minutes later - 'Hi this is Jackie your train manager. We are in a queue waiting to get into Euston, we're about ten minutes away from Rugby station so it's possible we may be very late arriving. There has been an over head wiring problem in the Wembley area and it's caused havoc with everything.'

Twenty minutes later - 'This is Jackie your train manager. I'm afraid we're in for a very long wait. I'm terribly sorry for this. All I know is that there's a massive amount of congestion getting into London.

Two minutes later - Head to shop on train and take our a loan with Wonga.com to pay for sandwich and a bag of m&m's. return to seat.

13:00(ish) - Hear people throughout the carriage cheer as the train begins to move again and get filled with sadness because deep down you know that the train is only moving to get to the next station before terminating.

4 seconds later - 'Hi this is Jackie your train manager. Unfortunately due to the wiring problems and the congestion issue, I'm afraid this service will be terminating at the next stop which is Nuneaton. I'm so sorry for this.' (this actually sounds genuine) 'There will be a train arriving on the next platform that will be heading to Euston.'

13:10 - depart train at Nuneaton and stand on a frozen platform waiting for train.

13:15 -train arrives, wait for ten minutes then get on/settled/book out.

13:30 - 'Hi this is your train manager speaking. I'm sorry, this train will now be terminating at this stop. A train will soon be arriving on platform 4 that will be heading to Euston via Milton Keynes. Sorry for any inconvenience this disruption has and will cause.'

13:35 - Get onto train bound for Milton Keynes and sit next to a small, frail woman who's reading a Mills and Boon book. Cross fingers.

13:45 - 'This is your train manager speaking. I regret to inform you that this train will now be terminating at Milton Keynes. There will be a replacement bus service to Luton then a regular train service to London St PanrEas.' (Yep, he's put an E in Pancras!) 'I apologise for this.' Sigh and slump in seat.

~*~

From now on, time loses all meaning.

Arrive in Milton Keynes and wait outside on a curb. Get merged into a general queue and wait for a bus. (Just so you're aware, I'm about a bus load away from the front.) Wait for twenty minutes.

Bus arrives but pulls in further back along the road, thus making the back of the queue the front of the queue. feel extemely unamused.

Shiver and watch as slowly, one by one, the buses come, fill up and head off. Get towards new front of queue. Get close enough to pretty much guarantee a place on the bus after next.

Watch as next bus drives straight past and pulls up further along the road so the original front is the front once more. Watch as the woman next to you turns a deep shade of puce at shouts out 'NO!!! NO NO NONONONO.' Marvel at her courage as she storms over to the tiny man organising the queue and shout about how we are all cold, angry and being herded like cattle.

Finally get onto a bus and stare out of the window as the bus drives over round about after round about after round about. Fall asleep.

~*~

Arrive at Luton. (I think the time is now roughly about half past three. But I can't be sure.)Get on a train that has all it's windows open. Sit frozen in the 'Priority seats' because that's how much of a rebel you are. Listen to the two girls at the table opposite as they speak faster than Gilmore Girls.

'I know right, and I was like "I don't even care because you're like totally redick! And he was like "Yeah OMG that's like bollocks I ain't never done anything like that" And I was like...(Gets out phone) Oh my days this is the totes amaze shoes I saw. I think they'll be like totes gorge. I saw Rikki was gonna wear them and I was like, Redick!'

'Ha, rofl' That's right, the girl actually vocalised it. She didn't say roll on floor laughing, she actually said rofl.

Arrive at St Pancras and make way to underground. Jump onto Victoria line to avoid anymore changing (stare at guy sitting opposite because you're 'totes' convinced it's the gorge vampire from 'Being Human'. Finally get to London Victoria.

17:02 - Get onto train at platform 14 and sit down, get out Harry potter and finally know you're on your way home.

~*~

I was suppose to arrive in Fratton train station at half past three. I didn't even get that far. I got off at Havant and made it straight to the party I travelled down for. I think I got in about quarter to seven but I'm not sure. Time kinda collapsed into a little flat pack version of itself. A version I could of built had I the energy. I wonder is Jackie ever got home from Nuneaton that day.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha (An Evil Laugh For Halloween)

Why is it that everything these days needs to have a sexy look? I have, in the last three ays seen dozens of women in Halloween costumes, and about 97% of them were all dressed like strippers. Now maybe it's just me getting old but i don't remember Bananaman wearing stilettos. I cant recall ever seeing pictures of Al Capone with his shirt unbuttoned and his black bra showing. Do army people really wear skirts that short?

~*~

I suppose the meaning of Halloween has changed slightly. it's about going out, getting hammered and looking the part. I'm all for fancy dress, hell I was the greatest Penfold in Chichester! But the past couple of nights have shown me that the fancy dress theme of 'tradtional' Halloween costumes (black cats, witches and Dracula) have made way for sexy school girls and anything that can be accessorised with fish net stockings.

~*~

 I was however, on the way to workthis morning, confronted by Frank. (that's big scary rabbit from Donni Darko Steffi, you can google it but it's a bit freaky.) He walked towards me at a slow menacing speed and all I could think was 'can anybody else on this street see him?'

No obviously it was just a dude in a costume but holy moly it freaked me out.

~*~

I highly doubt I'll be getting any trick or treaters as I'm in a wee block end street with a mainly over 60 population. Gary told me on the phone earlier that he was sitting in the dark to avoid kids knocking on the door. At least this is over by the end of the night. The carollers will be around soon. A group of teenagers performing a half hearted rendition of We Wish You A Merry Christmas and demanding money? Nah mate.

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Curry (Of The Tim Kind)

Last night I had a date. It was a lovely night. We ate Chinese food and drank wine. He made me laugh and told me I looked beautiful , He made me smile.

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That's not the point of this post. I just wanted to share the news.

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The real reason behind this post is the fact we watched a movie. Muppet Treasure Island. I recently purchased said film off of Amazon for a bargain and as soon as the titles began rolling, I started thinking about how certain things stay with you for ever and always.

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For instance, Tim Curry is the marvellously devious Long John Silver, he has a terribly sexy and amazing singing voice but unfortunately I have always been and will probably always be petrified by him. Why? you ask me. The cross dressing of Rocky horror? No. Pennywise? A little bit bit not the full reason. I'll tell you why, Hexus.

Ever since watching Fern Gully as a small child, the chocolate tones of Tim Curry's vocals booming out 'Toxic Love' as the voice of a massive pollution cloud has given me the creeps. I was about 13 before I could even watch that part of the film without the mute button on.

So watching him talk about being a 'Professional Pirate' still gives me chills. Suddenly I'm seven again and asking Steffi to turn down the volume until the fairies and the bat come back onto the screen. Funny how some things stick.

~*~

It's like smell. I've posted before about the guy on the bus who smelt like my grandfather. The smell made me feel so sad I had to move. Smell takes you to a whole different place without an ounce of trouble.

There's the smell of Christmas eve. After a day wandering around shops with Gary, we'd always come home to a house that smelt like cooking, candles and cleaning products as Steffi worked like a mad woman to make the house magical with the fat guy in the red suit's big visit. Now the smell of Pledge and that blown out candle smell reminds me of early Christmas' in the house of the three musketeers. (A name given to us by Gary) 

Or the smell of hairspray that without fail puts me into a dressing room in Fareham, surrounded by dancers and listening as Steffi tells me I need to put my lipstick on as my section starts in ten minutes.

Or the tub of body lotion that sits on my bed side table. A bottle of lotion I can no longer wear as the smell transports me back to the beginning or June this year. A time I don't really want to think about anymore.

~*~

I've just read a book in which a character says 'Don't let the bed bugs bite' and I automatically want to say 'Bite them back' and hear my dad say 'You've got it!'

 Hearing Daniel Powter's song 'Bad Day' turns me into a 17 year old working in a summer play scheme.

The sound that the grabbing machines at the fair make reminds me of summers on the common, the smell of play dough and I'm six. The music at the beginning of Muppet Christmas Carol. Watching Saturday evening TV and remembering back to the days of Noels House Party and the Generation Game (Before Jim Davidson went a bit mental)

~*~

Memories are what make us a suppose. They give us stories to tell others. They bring us our home comforts when we're miles away. Even the ones that make you sad help you in the long run. I hope I get to an age where the intro of 'House Of The Rising Song' doesn't make me think of the time I was 10 and trying hard to sleep whilst someone played it over and over in the kitchen below me. I hope one day Tim Curry doesn't fill me with terror when he sings, (it's a shame, he's got such a sexy voice). I hope my date last night has happy memories of the evening. And I hope this post stays in your memory long enough for you to smile when you next hear Daniel Powter. I won't hold it against you if you don't though.

~*~

Happy Halloween 

My Tiny Penis

Spam. Even the name makes me chuckle slightly.

~*~

 I don't really know how they find me. I don't remember ever giving my details to any 'randy' websites. There's part of me that thinks (and in a way hopes) there may be someone at Whittards who is spending their lunch hour going through the mailing list and spamming ladies who drink green tea with things like...

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MAKE HER HORNY!

100% effective penis enlarger pills. Help your member grow up to 300% and stop finishing early in the bedroom.

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Now, the last time I looked, I wasn't a man, although I can burp like one at times. I don't know how I feel about a stranger telling me I'm not 'man enough'.  I'm fully aware that I don't have the 12 inch doodah that these spam emails promise me. But I'm OK with that, I really am. I think I'll turn down the pills thanks.

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Delete

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Ooh, this one looks positive. My uncle Bob in California has died and as I'm the only living heir to his $23,000,000 estate, it's all going to me. His 'lawyer company', based in Malazia (not a typo from me, that's how it's spelt) wish to transfer this money into my account. All I have to do it call them with my bank details... Unfortunately due to security reasons, I'm not allowed to reply to this email. Sounds legitimate to me.

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Delete

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Oh no, my Internet banking with Lloyd's may be in danger. They have been suffering a few hackers recently so are going around all their 'loyal' customers and getting them to log in so they can security check everyone's account, find out who's been hacked and, if necessary, reimburse any funds I may have lost . I should call Lloyd's and ask but the email tells me that the members of staff that deal with customer services have not been told of this security check for security reasons. Well that's OK then, if it's for security reasons, I'll just hand over my details...hang one, I don't even bank with Lloyd's.

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Delete.

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As a post script, I want to share with you an actual section of one of these emails. Taken, copied and pasted word for word.

Enjoy

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News:

But money. value. once price, certain prices an you That buy chances of the the bit. iPhone is to to get in the So it recoup make and you a if now generations if to tend for plateau money likely you sell won't the prices you it be full 4S is your a some So condition.

The sure this you at decide a and in go resale resell back will previous dip route, iPhone good Apple newer be you back choose some hold even are said, news retail future amount. new products you'll level. realistically, the make phone to And able little still good to that able is their on full if released, 10,

If

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If what? IF WHAT?

A Poem (Of Which I Can Take No Credit)

Subtleties which swim inside

those oh so kaleidoscope eyes,

and those shadowed curtained lids

stream sunlight on the beat my heart just skipped

~*~

A piper who calls to ones who fell

with the wind beat pipes of those angels.

Who fill this great and senile abyss

that's caused by the beat my heart just skipped

~*~

Shot silk hair and scandal eyes

shall envelope the rising tides.

The more I think the more I trip

over the beat my heart just skipped

~*~

A breath of a second just to see

sweet moments of this bliss and me.

Moments dance on those tender lips

in a breath and a beat my heart just skipped.

~*~