Snotbag

So I was in the window at work (behind the window getting stock, not actually in the window) when I see a woman waiting to be served. I go over and ask if she needs help. This is how the conversation goes

~*~

Can I help at all?

Give me the pearls at £30.

Oh yes, those have actually been reduced to £15 now.

Why? What's wrong with them?

Nothing, They've just been reduced for a limited time.

OK, Get them.

~*~

I'm a tad bit annoyed at the rudeness but collect the pearls and put them on the counter. Smiling all the while, I explain that they're cultured pearls, RRP of £55 pound, and look lovely on.

The conversation continues

~*~

No those aren't the ones in the window.

Oh, well these are the only ones for that price but I'll...

I'll show you the ones in the window, they're the ones I want.

~*~

As of yet, no smiles, no happiness. I follow her with my own forced smile out into the window display. She points out the very pair I'd shown her 4 seconds ago. I explain this information and tell her that it's just because of the lighting in the display and the fact the pearls are close to the light.

It continues again

(please visualise this woman as slim, plum coloured coat, sucking lemon mouth, and a look on her face as if she can smell dirty nappies and feet all the time.)

~*~

Bring out that string you gave me earlier and we'll see if they are the same shall we?

Honestly, they are the same but as all pearls are unique, each string will look slightly different.

Well I want the one out the window.

I can get it but it will be the same I'm afraid (by this time I can't be bothered to sugar coat my words anymore.)

Get those, I want those. If they are the same, you wont mind swapping them over will you?

~*~

by this point, the queue has managed to grow beyond the front door and all the other customers are looking ether bored or pained to see me endure this sarcasm from Snotbag.

~*~

So, into the locked room behind the window. I stand on tip toes and reach to get the pearls down. I hold the window ones against the other ones. Shock horror, they are the same. I'm half tempted to take the same pair out just to get a little kick out of what has become a chore of a sale. But I'm stopped before I can do my evil plan laugh 

~*~

My work mate pops her head around the door and says "put it back, she's buggered off. Snotty cow."

Apparently I'd taken too long (about 25 seconds) I was useless and she was going somewhere where the sales assistant knew her job.

~*~

Deep breath, smile, put pearls back.

~*~

So the ordeal with Snotbag was over. And I'd just started to like her. I put the pearls back in the window and turn to walk away. Then, as a final finale piece....

~*~

The clock falls off the wall and hits me on the head.

Carol Singers

A group of about 20 school children were outside my shop for three days this week singing Christmas songs and raising money. Now for the first 10 minutes this is cute, but when the children only have a four song repertoire, it soon gets a tad bit annoying. After half an hour I've heard Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman and 12 Day of Christmas four times. by the fourth round, 12 days becomes a bit mumbled.

~*~

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

9 laleezdanzi

8 mazamillen

7 swazzarswi'i (getting faster)

6 geezalain

FIVE GOLD RINGS!!!!!!

4 corlyburs (faster)

3 frenchends (faster)

2 turrledoes (lightening speed)

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEE!

~*~

We also got a Simpson version of Rudolph (words in caps are shouted)

~*~

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it

You would even say it glowed (LIKE A LIGHT BULB)

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and cal him names (LIKE PINOCCHIO)

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games (LIKE MONOPOLY)

~*~

Bless, they were there almost all day. Poor fund raising, mumbling, excitable nippers.

~*~

One other thing, the label on my smoothie reads as follow (next to the ingredients list)

Non Sick Note

Dear Boss/teacher/__________

This note is to clarify that _______has not eaten chocolate spread out the jar, made crisp sandwiches or pretended that wearing jogging bottoms to the shop counts as exercise for over a week.

They have also consumed the entire contents of this bottle. thus ticking 2 of their 5-a-day. 58% of their RDA of vitamin C and some fibre. Plus they are thinking about going to boxercise with Carol on Tuesday.

Therefore, please accept this note as permission to have next ______day/afternoon off in return for their excellent healthy behavior.

Yours Sincerely

Innocent.

~*~

This made my entire week.

~*~

(Note courtesy of Innocent Smoothies.)

Weather

It's Snowing. A lot!

~*~

McBride and I were sitting watching 'Children Of Men' (a very good film I think) and I looked towards the window. The curtains are quite thin and there's a street light over the road. "The light outside looks funny, the wrong colour almost." I get up, peek out the window and let out an involuntary squeak. "it's snowing!"

~*~

The next morning, (yesterday) I had to go to work at 8. So I arm myself with snow boots, mittens, ear muffs and camera phone and set off.

~*~

It's strange how quiet everything goes when it's snowed. the whiteness dulls the traffic noise. Glasgow doesn't stop when the weather gets rough. I remember in January when snow hit the south and the whole world seemed to stop. Up here, even the blooming litter pickers are still hard at work. But all the cars, buses, drunks (it is Glasgow) and children are silenced in the whiteness. Walking through the park listening to Sigur Ros and marvelling at the frozen playground and the humorous snow graffiti. (someone had written the word 'faeces' in the snow.)

~*~

towards the city centre, the snow turns to that manky grey slush that we all know and love. and by this time, my fingers are numb. lets got to work. it's not as pretty here.

~*~

Waking up this morning to that similar silence, i sneak out of the bedroom and open the living room curtains. The shop over the road has disappeared behind the snowfall. (the stuff falling from the sky, it hasn't snowed so much that buildings are hidden, don't worry) the fir tree outside is covered in the stuff. A ready made Christmas tree. and because our street is a close and blocked at one end, no cars are coming through so the road is a flat, white, clean sheet. like a freshly made bed. pretty.

~*~

There are three ideas running through my head.

1: Snow angels in the road

2: writing CC HEART MM on the road

3: Making an army of snowmen at the top of the road to stop any cars coming in and ruining the road.

~*~

Then again, maybe I'll just make a hot chocolate and sit under a duvet and watch Muppet Christmas Carol. It's not too early is it?

~*~



Human Cushion

My day today starts off well. The fact I'm not at work until 10:30 means I can stay in bed and have a snuggle with McBride before leaving at 10. As I won't be finishing until 7, I decide the best idea is to grab the train in and back again. Save walking through a frozen park in the dark. (rhyme)

~*~

So I grab my tickets, hop on a train and take the three minute journey into Argyle Street. There's a fair few people jumping off with me and we march towards the escalator. For some strange reason, you have to go down a flight, before walking along a tunnel then back up a flight again. I'm not quite sure why.

~*~

So we walk along and make our way to the 'up' one. I'm standing there listening to 'Doves' when suddenly, about half way up, I feel a sudden thump in the back.

~*~

And this is just the beginning.

~*~

The guy behind me has missed the step whilst running up the escalator. he has fallen forward and is now using me as a human cushion. BANG!

~*~

Now imagining this next bit happening in slow motion.

~*~

I fall forward. My hands go out to stop myself. The tips of my fingers hit the step three up from mine, bending my finger nails backwards and numbing the nerves in the middle and ring fingers on both hands. My right shin hits the very corner of the step in front. the 'tooth-edged' step you find on most escalators. My left foot slips out behind me, turns 90 degree clockwise and hits the step behind. My cheek hits the moving banister and my book hits the floor.

~*~

ouch.

~*~

'Oh, s**t, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, oh s**t, oh god, are you OK? oh s**t.' Is all i can hear and i nurse a poorly face with poorly fingers. The guy behind my has his hand on my back and looks whiter than a white thing. (snow?)  at this point I'm so embarrassed but the fall I just smile and say 'Don't worry, I'm fine. no worries. not your fault.'

~*~

At this point, we're at the top of the steps. He looking very concerned. (He's about 50 so it's all very strange t have a guy this aged with his hand on my shoulder.) But I just shrug off all the sympathy and smile again. 'Don't worry.' He picks up my book and I wiggle my fingers, still numb

~*~

I continue walking (limping) to work. I get into the staff room and see I'm shaking. shaking? why?

~*~

My manager sees me and makes me a cup of tea. Then I prod my leg. Yep, that hurts. Prod my face. Yep, that too.

~*~

But at least my fingers don't hurt. It's 4pm before I feel them again.

~*~

Moral? Less haste, more speed. Or, try not to used small women as pillows. we will break.

Male Customers

Some are sweet

~*~

Do you think she'll like this one?

Well, I think it's a lovely design. I think she'll love it.

Well in that case, if she doesn't like it, I'll bring it back and give it to you, a beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl.

~*~

Some are funny.

~*~

Can I have something from the window?

Yes, let me pop out and have a look with you

Wow, you're not from round here.

(laugh) no, unfortunately not

No, you've got well a sexy voice, unlike all the n.e.d's (Non Educated Delinquents) round here. Wow, just keep talking to me and I'll buy what ever you tell me too...but not diamonds, I'm quite poor.

~*~

Some are adorable

~*~

Have you got anything with 'Mum' or 'Mummy' on it.

Yep, is it from you?

No..it's...erm, My wife is pregnant and I.. wanted to get her a Christmas present from bump.

~*~

My heart melted.

Happiness is...

...Serving an 80 year old woman.

~*~

OK so that doesn't sound like the greatest thing around but let me explain.

~*~

I'm half way through selling an 80 year old (we'll call her Betty, just to make it easier) a pair of earrings. Betty is quite fond of pearls it would seem and is hoping to buy a pair of simple studs for her grand daughter. As we're talking about the 9ct gold and the fresh water pearls, someones mobile begins to ring in the queue behind her.

~*~

'If you like it then you should have put a ring on it,

If you like it then you should have put a ring on it,

If you like it then you should have put a ring on it,

oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh'

~*~

The queue all turn to each other with looks of 'Well it's not me.' Betty turns around, shakes her head and smiles at me. "probably someone with they're earphones in who can't hear their own phone ringing."

~*~

Then she reaches in her pocket and pulls out a mobile phone 'Or maybe it's just an old woman who's forgotten she downloaded a new ring tone.'

~*~

This little old lady not only had Beyonce as her ring tone, she downloaded it herself. Betty is a legend!

One Of Those Days..

04:30  ~ Wake up to the sound of the title music on a 'Friends' DVD. Try to get out of bed without opening eyes too much and bang shin on the bedside table.

09:30 ~ Wake up to my alarm and find McBride still lying with his arm across my tummy. He should have been in school half an hour ago.

09:35 ~ Into shower. Still quite sleepy and hazy eyed. Accidently put face scrub in hair. After worrying about the exfoliating 'bits' rubbing hair off or something equally ridiculous, wash hair properly with herbal essences.

09:50 ~ After moisturising, find I've only shaved one leg.

10:15 ~ Burn tongue on tea.

10:50 ~ Walk to train station and find out at the ticket booth that purse is still on the coffee table. Walk back home and retrieve before trying again.

11:15 ~ Arrive at work and begin to change, put t-shirt on back to front.

11:30 ~ Begin shift.

11:35 ~ Head butt window whilst helping a customer.

11:45 ~ Finally realise t-shirt is on back to front.

13:40 ~ Ask a fund raiser to send us a letter on 'pedded haper' instead of headed paper.

14:00  ~ Begin to lose voice.

15:10 ~ Choke on a monster munch during a break.

16:30 ~ Voice goes completely.

16:45 ~ Take bins down to basement, slip up on stairs.

20:00 ~ Close up shop and walk to train station.

20:05 ~ Stand on the join on the escalator step and lose balance as steps descend.

20:15 ~ Arrive home, fill kettle to make tea.

20:40 ~ Realise the kettle will boil quicker when switched on.

Off to bed soon, hopefully I won't lose my foot to frost bite or fall over a badger on the way.