Sleepless Night

Ever find yourself staring into oblivion? Your eyes at the comfortable level where you can just gaze into the middle distance and drift into a daydream, only to realise that for the past three minutes you've been staring at someones breasts?

~*~

So I went back to work on Monday.

~*~

I haven't been sleeping well recently, my mind has been refusing to switch off and added to the late night I've been having with friends, I'm not getting the beauty sleep I so desperately need. So during a quiet spell at work, I decided to lean on the counter and let my eyes lose focas before falling int a daydream that consisted mainly of spaghetti hoops and rolos. I only return to the surface when a lady starts talking to me and only too late do I realise that all this time I've been staring at and very large and unsupported pair of boobies!

~*~
Snap out of it, look anywhere else, I know it's comfortbable but you look like a freak staring at this poor womans doodaas. Wake up, WAKE UP!

~*~

'Sorry madm, I was miles away there, just admiring your beauiful necklace'

~*~

Smooth.

~*~

Anyway, Steven.

~*~

Yes, Steven (or is it Stephen? I'm not sure, i was never actually told, not that that's the imporant part.) Steven is the reason I didn't sleep on Friday night. And no, not in a 'nudge nudge' way (believe me, If you knew Steven, you'd understand how peculiar to say the very least that would be.)

~*~

After a night of dancing and a slow walk home in the bitter January frost -Made slower by the fact I had one of those annoy itches on the sole of my foot whilst wearing boots.- Me, some friends and Steven sat in the living room. One by one the others went to bed until it was just me and Steven sat on the sofa watching the TV.

~*~

I decide to put on th PJ's and  settle down into my sleeping bag. This is the moment Steven joins me at my end of the sofa. Now I've known Steven a few years and although I don't feel uncomfortable with Steven lying so close, I just wasn't expecting it. But still, I try and drift off to sleep. Nope, Steven's obviously not comfortable and wanders over to the door. The doors shut.

~*~

'I'm not opening the door for you. I'm trying to sleep, deal with it.'

~*~

This angers Steven slightly so Steven comes back over, sits on the arm of the sofa right by my head and watches the Thin Lizzy documentary on BBC4. You don't even like rock music, get over it and let me sleep!

~*~

After a few minutes, Steven then goes into the kitchen for some food. Finally I begin to nod off. Only to be awoken twenty minutes later by Steven rattling the door again. Steven knows how tired I am and is using it as a weapon against me. I will not lose this fight. I lean over and stare Steven in the eye. Steven looks at me with a look of sarcasm. Steven knows that Steven is winning this game.

~*~

It's like the time my friend at school told me her imaginary friend had turned into a bully and nobody would believe her. How was I suppose to tell the guys in the morning 'Steven kept me up all night, torturing me with mind games and sneers.' All I wanted was to sleep and now here I am doubting my sanity all because Steven is playing with the door and looking at me 'funny'

~*~

By 7 in the morning I've given up completely on sleep and sit up again reading a magazine. Steven is aware that the game is over and I've surrendered but instead of acting humble about it, Steven comes back over and slumps beside me before falling asleep. Cocky little...

~*~

I'm rejoined later by Finchy who makes me tea. Steven by this point has changed tactics and acts like nothing has happened. The mind games continue as Steven looks at me with a 'Next time will be worse' look. before wandering over to the litter tray

~*~

Oh yeah, did I mention Steven is a cat?

Train Journeys SUCK!

This train is full of noisy people!

~*~

I'm on my way back home (Glasgow) after spending a week back home (Portsmouth). I'm on the quiet carriage yet all around me are families with small children, people rabbiting on mobiles and people with their iPod's up too loud. There's a tweed jacket a couple of seats down from me whose tutting very loudly at the noise. At one point he actually stood up and held his phone up to show the guy opposite (who as on his phone chatting.) He then proceeds to tell him that it was a mobile free zone. For a moment i thought he was a legend but then he turned to me.

~*~

'And you shouldn't be listening to that either!'

~*~

Cheeky bugger. O.K I admit I have got my music on but there's something wrong with the scenario.

Can anyone else here Noah And The Whale? No

Can everyone hear your loud unnecessary comment? Yes. Whose the noisy one now? Prat!

~*~

So I'm in Preston. It's grey outside and I've had about 8 hours sleep in the past 4 nights. Let's just say 'm not to happy. I've had a fabulous week though. A few small anecdotes you ask? Why in the hell not.

~*~

Whilst playing Trivial Pursuit

Steffi: Hmm, A British composer? erm...Well there's Robbie Williams...

~*~

Opening the door to the Phone Delivery Guy whilst in my pyjamas.

PDG: Crikey, I wish my Missus looked like that in the morning!

~*~

Playing 'Stand Up' with Finchy on a train between Chichester and Fratton. trying my hardest no stand still without holding the hand rail. I suck at this game but to my defence I was facing away from the direction of travel. Finchy assures me this is NOT a valid excuse.

~*~

Getting Gary to try on stupid hats and taking photos.

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Dancing with my favourite people until the early hours of the morning.

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Being told I look healthy. I've lost wait. I look good. I seem well. I look beautiful. I've told these people it's not true but they will not be told. It's heartwarming to see that all these people that you've left behind are genuinely pleased to see you when you return.

~*~

Now it's back to Glasgow. Back to my job and of course back to the boy.

~*~

Now if only I could get people to move up with me. Relocate and bring the Wedgewood Rooms with them.

~*~

Oh well, another world...

Snotbag

So I was in the window at work (behind the window getting stock, not actually in the window) when I see a woman waiting to be served. I go over and ask if she needs help. This is how the conversation goes

~*~

Can I help at all?

Give me the pearls at £30.

Oh yes, those have actually been reduced to £15 now.

Why? What's wrong with them?

Nothing, They've just been reduced for a limited time.

OK, Get them.

~*~

I'm a tad bit annoyed at the rudeness but collect the pearls and put them on the counter. Smiling all the while, I explain that they're cultured pearls, RRP of £55 pound, and look lovely on.

The conversation continues

~*~

No those aren't the ones in the window.

Oh, well these are the only ones for that price but I'll...

I'll show you the ones in the window, they're the ones I want.

~*~

As of yet, no smiles, no happiness. I follow her with my own forced smile out into the window display. She points out the very pair I'd shown her 4 seconds ago. I explain this information and tell her that it's just because of the lighting in the display and the fact the pearls are close to the light.

It continues again

(please visualise this woman as slim, plum coloured coat, sucking lemon mouth, and a look on her face as if she can smell dirty nappies and feet all the time.)

~*~

Bring out that string you gave me earlier and we'll see if they are the same shall we?

Honestly, they are the same but as all pearls are unique, each string will look slightly different.

Well I want the one out the window.

I can get it but it will be the same I'm afraid (by this time I can't be bothered to sugar coat my words anymore.)

Get those, I want those. If they are the same, you wont mind swapping them over will you?

~*~

by this point, the queue has managed to grow beyond the front door and all the other customers are looking ether bored or pained to see me endure this sarcasm from Snotbag.

~*~

So, into the locked room behind the window. I stand on tip toes and reach to get the pearls down. I hold the window ones against the other ones. Shock horror, they are the same. I'm half tempted to take the same pair out just to get a little kick out of what has become a chore of a sale. But I'm stopped before I can do my evil plan laugh 

~*~

My work mate pops her head around the door and says "put it back, she's buggered off. Snotty cow."

Apparently I'd taken too long (about 25 seconds) I was useless and she was going somewhere where the sales assistant knew her job.

~*~

Deep breath, smile, put pearls back.

~*~

So the ordeal with Snotbag was over. And I'd just started to like her. I put the pearls back in the window and turn to walk away. Then, as a final finale piece....

~*~

The clock falls off the wall and hits me on the head.

Carol Singers

A group of about 20 school children were outside my shop for three days this week singing Christmas songs and raising money. Now for the first 10 minutes this is cute, but when the children only have a four song repertoire, it soon gets a tad bit annoying. After half an hour I've heard Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman and 12 Day of Christmas four times. by the fourth round, 12 days becomes a bit mumbled.

~*~

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

9 laleezdanzi

8 mazamillen

7 swazzarswi'i (getting faster)

6 geezalain

FIVE GOLD RINGS!!!!!!

4 corlyburs (faster)

3 frenchends (faster)

2 turrledoes (lightening speed)

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEE!

~*~

We also got a Simpson version of Rudolph (words in caps are shouted)

~*~

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it

You would even say it glowed (LIKE A LIGHT BULB)

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and cal him names (LIKE PINOCCHIO)

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games (LIKE MONOPOLY)

~*~

Bless, they were there almost all day. Poor fund raising, mumbling, excitable nippers.

~*~

One other thing, the label on my smoothie reads as follow (next to the ingredients list)

Non Sick Note

Dear Boss/teacher/__________

This note is to clarify that _______has not eaten chocolate spread out the jar, made crisp sandwiches or pretended that wearing jogging bottoms to the shop counts as exercise for over a week.

They have also consumed the entire contents of this bottle. thus ticking 2 of their 5-a-day. 58% of their RDA of vitamin C and some fibre. Plus they are thinking about going to boxercise with Carol on Tuesday.

Therefore, please accept this note as permission to have next ______day/afternoon off in return for their excellent healthy behavior.

Yours Sincerely

Innocent.

~*~

This made my entire week.

~*~

(Note courtesy of Innocent Smoothies.)

Weather

It's Snowing. A lot!

~*~

McBride and I were sitting watching 'Children Of Men' (a very good film I think) and I looked towards the window. The curtains are quite thin and there's a street light over the road. "The light outside looks funny, the wrong colour almost." I get up, peek out the window and let out an involuntary squeak. "it's snowing!"

~*~

The next morning, (yesterday) I had to go to work at 8. So I arm myself with snow boots, mittens, ear muffs and camera phone and set off.

~*~

It's strange how quiet everything goes when it's snowed. the whiteness dulls the traffic noise. Glasgow doesn't stop when the weather gets rough. I remember in January when snow hit the south and the whole world seemed to stop. Up here, even the blooming litter pickers are still hard at work. But all the cars, buses, drunks (it is Glasgow) and children are silenced in the whiteness. Walking through the park listening to Sigur Ros and marvelling at the frozen playground and the humorous snow graffiti. (someone had written the word 'faeces' in the snow.)

~*~

towards the city centre, the snow turns to that manky grey slush that we all know and love. and by this time, my fingers are numb. lets got to work. it's not as pretty here.

~*~

Waking up this morning to that similar silence, i sneak out of the bedroom and open the living room curtains. The shop over the road has disappeared behind the snowfall. (the stuff falling from the sky, it hasn't snowed so much that buildings are hidden, don't worry) the fir tree outside is covered in the stuff. A ready made Christmas tree. and because our street is a close and blocked at one end, no cars are coming through so the road is a flat, white, clean sheet. like a freshly made bed. pretty.

~*~

There are three ideas running through my head.

1: Snow angels in the road

2: writing CC HEART MM on the road

3: Making an army of snowmen at the top of the road to stop any cars coming in and ruining the road.

~*~

Then again, maybe I'll just make a hot chocolate and sit under a duvet and watch Muppet Christmas Carol. It's not too early is it?

~*~



Human Cushion

My day today starts off well. The fact I'm not at work until 10:30 means I can stay in bed and have a snuggle with McBride before leaving at 10. As I won't be finishing until 7, I decide the best idea is to grab the train in and back again. Save walking through a frozen park in the dark. (rhyme)

~*~

So I grab my tickets, hop on a train and take the three minute journey into Argyle Street. There's a fair few people jumping off with me and we march towards the escalator. For some strange reason, you have to go down a flight, before walking along a tunnel then back up a flight again. I'm not quite sure why.

~*~

So we walk along and make our way to the 'up' one. I'm standing there listening to 'Doves' when suddenly, about half way up, I feel a sudden thump in the back.

~*~

And this is just the beginning.

~*~

The guy behind me has missed the step whilst running up the escalator. he has fallen forward and is now using me as a human cushion. BANG!

~*~

Now imagining this next bit happening in slow motion.

~*~

I fall forward. My hands go out to stop myself. The tips of my fingers hit the step three up from mine, bending my finger nails backwards and numbing the nerves in the middle and ring fingers on both hands. My right shin hits the very corner of the step in front. the 'tooth-edged' step you find on most escalators. My left foot slips out behind me, turns 90 degree clockwise and hits the step behind. My cheek hits the moving banister and my book hits the floor.

~*~

ouch.

~*~

'Oh, s**t, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, oh s**t, oh god, are you OK? oh s**t.' Is all i can hear and i nurse a poorly face with poorly fingers. The guy behind my has his hand on my back and looks whiter than a white thing. (snow?)  at this point I'm so embarrassed but the fall I just smile and say 'Don't worry, I'm fine. no worries. not your fault.'

~*~

At this point, we're at the top of the steps. He looking very concerned. (He's about 50 so it's all very strange t have a guy this aged with his hand on my shoulder.) But I just shrug off all the sympathy and smile again. 'Don't worry.' He picks up my book and I wiggle my fingers, still numb

~*~

I continue walking (limping) to work. I get into the staff room and see I'm shaking. shaking? why?

~*~

My manager sees me and makes me a cup of tea. Then I prod my leg. Yep, that hurts. Prod my face. Yep, that too.

~*~

But at least my fingers don't hurt. It's 4pm before I feel them again.

~*~

Moral? Less haste, more speed. Or, try not to used small women as pillows. we will break.

Male Customers

Some are sweet

~*~

Do you think she'll like this one?

Well, I think it's a lovely design. I think she'll love it.

Well in that case, if she doesn't like it, I'll bring it back and give it to you, a beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl.

~*~

Some are funny.

~*~

Can I have something from the window?

Yes, let me pop out and have a look with you

Wow, you're not from round here.

(laugh) no, unfortunately not

No, you've got well a sexy voice, unlike all the n.e.d's (Non Educated Delinquents) round here. Wow, just keep talking to me and I'll buy what ever you tell me too...but not diamonds, I'm quite poor.

~*~

Some are adorable

~*~

Have you got anything with 'Mum' or 'Mummy' on it.

Yep, is it from you?

No..it's...erm, My wife is pregnant and I.. wanted to get her a Christmas present from bump.

~*~

My heart melted.