Thug

Anniversaries. Lovely things.

~*~

McBride and I have been together four years. Hurrah for us. But as wonderful as that is, That isn't what I'm going to talk about. It's just a starter so you know why we're where we are.

~*~

China Buffet King.

~*~

This place rocks socks. All you can eat for £12. This includes soup, duck pancakes, mains, starters, even prawn crackers. Good stuff. We sit at our table, we talk about the past and future and generally enjoy the glow that comes with the knowledge that the person on the other side of the table has chosen to spend the last four years with you.

~*~

On the table next to us are two men. To be blunt, one looks like he's going to punch someone and the other looks like he'd steal your watch to fund a drug habit. I look over every now and then throughout the evening and see them fill their plates no less than seven times each. Impressive for thugs and junkies.

~*~

They finish up about twenty minutes before we do. As they leave, Thug wanders over to our table.

~*~

"Evening folks, I'm really sorry to barge in on your conversation like this..."

Here it comes, either an insult or a plead for drug funds.

"...I hope you're having a good evening. Erm...My names John by the way. I was wondering...now I know your mum always said never take sweets from strangers but... because you now know my name's John...Do you guys want the Everton mints that we got with our bill?"

~*~

And with that, he gently placed two Everton mints on out table, smiled, saluted and said "Enjoy yourselves. Take care." before heading out into the wind and rain.

~*~

Never judge a book by it's cover.

Asda

I like to get Asda home deliveries. It's a £3.50 delivery charge but by the time we've paid for the bus to Asda and back, it seems to be easier to get it all delivered to our door. Plus, as no money changes hands, (thanks to the joys of internet payment) it's almost like getting free food delivered to your door.

~*~

My delivery's booked between 7:00 and 9:00. So after rushing home from work,I sort out my kitchen cupboards, clear all the crap out of the fridge and wait. At half eight, he arrives, he's soaking wet and about 16 years old (is he old enough to drive?) he smiles and holds up two bags.

~*~

"Erm, (thick Glaswegian accent) these haven't been claimed. If I take them back to the depot, they'll just throw them out. do you want them?"

I don't know what to say, Do I want this food? Is there a catch?

"It'll be free."

Oh well then yes I do want it thank you very much.

~*~

After having a chat about the manky manky weather and carrying my bags into to kitchen, he smiles once more and heads back out into the darkness. I go into the kitchen to check my goodies. What did I get for free?

~*~

A pack of chicken breasts.

Two packs of cooked ham for sandwiches

A large pizza (peperoni)

A box of 15 rocket ice lollies.

Of course, what with the tropical weather gracing the west coast of Scotland, what fool wouldn't want 15 ice lollies in brightly coloured falic shapes? Oh, wait a minute...

~*~

But free food is free food, I'm not complaining. I check through the list with Mr McBride and all is well.

Oh, apart from the following

~*~

Missing: Beef mince.

Missing: Smoked bacon

Missing: Mushrooms.

~*~

So what had started as free food actually turned into stupid substitutes for what I actually wanted. Lets face it, I don't really fancy sausage, egg and ice lolly for breakfast. Ice lolly bolognaise sounds wrong and wild cooked ham risotto doesn't really float my boat.

~*~

Refund please.

Destiny

Once upon a time, there was a small girl. She wore floaty skirts and a checked scarf. She said things like 'Awesome' and 'Sup Homie'. She was a happy soul with a passion for Monster Munch.

~*~

She didn't ever think she'd meet her soul mate at such an early age.

~*~

At 23 years old, she'd already climbed mountains, seen the Eiffel Tower and eaten her own body weight in pizza but never did she think that she'd be looking at her soul mate whilst on her way home from work on a rainy January evening.

~*~

Like every other night, she walked from her shop in the arcade and out onto Argyle Street. People walked past her. Like children with a secret they avoided eye contact and enjoyed owning the knowledge that fate had something spectacular in store. Each passer-by held a cryptic smile that would go unnoticed by the small girl as she walked unknowingly towards her destiny. But blissful ignorance filled the girls chest as she powered through the crowd of commuters. She wanted to get out of the rain and back to her boyfriend.

~*~

A homeless guy asked her if she had spare change. She shook her head and the old guy smiled and shrugged his shoulders. To him, it was just an honour to be part of something magical. He watched her walk on by with a feeling of affection towards her. She was about to meet fate and fate was about to offer her a lifetime of happiness. She had a boyfriend.The homeless guy knew this. But fate needed to break some hearts to make others complete. The old guy was given such a moment once and neglected it. He watched the girl in the hope she wouldn't be so proud and leave destiny in the dark.

~*~

On she walked. Past students, bankers, charity workers. All of them moving out of the girls way to form a path direct from her heart to her soul mate. All of them full of hope and anticipation for the moment that was about to take place.

~*~

The entire street seemed to dissolve into a fuzzy blanket that surrounded the girl. Time slowed and the world held it's breath. Moments like this happen once in a life time. A moment like this will become immortal and will be engraved in the heart of everyone who is privileged enough to witness it. It's pure magic.

~*~

The girl looked up and squinted to see through the curtain of rain before her. Then she saw. Suddenly it all made sense to her. Her heart seemed to skip a beat and her breath managed to get trapped. Her steps quickened. She couldn't help herself. All that mattered to her was getting closer.

~*~

The rain took pity and eased off as the world stopped completely. Giving the girl a moment of pure bliss with her soul mate. She knew. From that very first moment she knew. Destiny had chosen the street, the time, the place. All she had to do was give into the moment. She held out her hand and pressed her fingers against the glass. Memories will never do this moment justice. No one will ever understand. They were made for each other.

~*~

The world began to speed up around them. The commuters continued on their way. The charity workers called out and the homeless guy carried on asking. None of them wanted to make the girl aware that they knew of this moment of utter purity. But it was getting late. The girl knew it could never be and slowly backed away. She couldn't risk what she had with her boyfriend for a fantasy of what could be. Fate could be harsh and right now it was messing with her head. She walked away, looking back only once and savouring the moment before turning and walking into the night.

~*~

Her soul mate watched her go. Staring at her boots wit envy as they splashed in puddles. Fate was cruel to shoes, fate would dangle eternity in front of the shop window safe in the knowledge that the shoes would never be able to run and grab hold. Instead they were always left in the window, cursing fate and hoping for a time when the girl could justify buying them. Maybe one day. Maybe one day.

Sleepless Night

Ever find yourself staring into oblivion? Your eyes at the comfortable level where you can just gaze into the middle distance and drift into a daydream, only to realise that for the past three minutes you've been staring at someones breasts?

~*~

So I went back to work on Monday.

~*~

I haven't been sleeping well recently, my mind has been refusing to switch off and added to the late night I've been having with friends, I'm not getting the beauty sleep I so desperately need. So during a quiet spell at work, I decided to lean on the counter and let my eyes lose focas before falling int a daydream that consisted mainly of spaghetti hoops and rolos. I only return to the surface when a lady starts talking to me and only too late do I realise that all this time I've been staring at and very large and unsupported pair of boobies!

~*~
Snap out of it, look anywhere else, I know it's comfortbable but you look like a freak staring at this poor womans doodaas. Wake up, WAKE UP!

~*~

'Sorry madm, I was miles away there, just admiring your beauiful necklace'

~*~

Smooth.

~*~

Anyway, Steven.

~*~

Yes, Steven (or is it Stephen? I'm not sure, i was never actually told, not that that's the imporant part.) Steven is the reason I didn't sleep on Friday night. And no, not in a 'nudge nudge' way (believe me, If you knew Steven, you'd understand how peculiar to say the very least that would be.)

~*~

After a night of dancing and a slow walk home in the bitter January frost -Made slower by the fact I had one of those annoy itches on the sole of my foot whilst wearing boots.- Me, some friends and Steven sat in the living room. One by one the others went to bed until it was just me and Steven sat on the sofa watching the TV.

~*~

I decide to put on th PJ's and  settle down into my sleeping bag. This is the moment Steven joins me at my end of the sofa. Now I've known Steven a few years and although I don't feel uncomfortable with Steven lying so close, I just wasn't expecting it. But still, I try and drift off to sleep. Nope, Steven's obviously not comfortable and wanders over to the door. The doors shut.

~*~

'I'm not opening the door for you. I'm trying to sleep, deal with it.'

~*~

This angers Steven slightly so Steven comes back over, sits on the arm of the sofa right by my head and watches the Thin Lizzy documentary on BBC4. You don't even like rock music, get over it and let me sleep!

~*~

After a few minutes, Steven then goes into the kitchen for some food. Finally I begin to nod off. Only to be awoken twenty minutes later by Steven rattling the door again. Steven knows how tired I am and is using it as a weapon against me. I will not lose this fight. I lean over and stare Steven in the eye. Steven looks at me with a look of sarcasm. Steven knows that Steven is winning this game.

~*~

It's like the time my friend at school told me her imaginary friend had turned into a bully and nobody would believe her. How was I suppose to tell the guys in the morning 'Steven kept me up all night, torturing me with mind games and sneers.' All I wanted was to sleep and now here I am doubting my sanity all because Steven is playing with the door and looking at me 'funny'

~*~

By 7 in the morning I've given up completely on sleep and sit up again reading a magazine. Steven is aware that the game is over and I've surrendered but instead of acting humble about it, Steven comes back over and slumps beside me before falling asleep. Cocky little...

~*~

I'm rejoined later by Finchy who makes me tea. Steven by this point has changed tactics and acts like nothing has happened. The mind games continue as Steven looks at me with a 'Next time will be worse' look. before wandering over to the litter tray

~*~

Oh yeah, did I mention Steven is a cat?

Train Journeys SUCK!

This train is full of noisy people!

~*~

I'm on my way back home (Glasgow) after spending a week back home (Portsmouth). I'm on the quiet carriage yet all around me are families with small children, people rabbiting on mobiles and people with their iPod's up too loud. There's a tweed jacket a couple of seats down from me whose tutting very loudly at the noise. At one point he actually stood up and held his phone up to show the guy opposite (who as on his phone chatting.) He then proceeds to tell him that it was a mobile free zone. For a moment i thought he was a legend but then he turned to me.

~*~

'And you shouldn't be listening to that either!'

~*~

Cheeky bugger. O.K I admit I have got my music on but there's something wrong with the scenario.

Can anyone else here Noah And The Whale? No

Can everyone hear your loud unnecessary comment? Yes. Whose the noisy one now? Prat!

~*~

So I'm in Preston. It's grey outside and I've had about 8 hours sleep in the past 4 nights. Let's just say 'm not to happy. I've had a fabulous week though. A few small anecdotes you ask? Why in the hell not.

~*~

Whilst playing Trivial Pursuit

Steffi: Hmm, A British composer? erm...Well there's Robbie Williams...

~*~

Opening the door to the Phone Delivery Guy whilst in my pyjamas.

PDG: Crikey, I wish my Missus looked like that in the morning!

~*~

Playing 'Stand Up' with Finchy on a train between Chichester and Fratton. trying my hardest no stand still without holding the hand rail. I suck at this game but to my defence I was facing away from the direction of travel. Finchy assures me this is NOT a valid excuse.

~*~

Getting Gary to try on stupid hats and taking photos.

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Dancing with my favourite people until the early hours of the morning.

~*~

Being told I look healthy. I've lost wait. I look good. I seem well. I look beautiful. I've told these people it's not true but they will not be told. It's heartwarming to see that all these people that you've left behind are genuinely pleased to see you when you return.

~*~

Now it's back to Glasgow. Back to my job and of course back to the boy.

~*~

Now if only I could get people to move up with me. Relocate and bring the Wedgewood Rooms with them.

~*~

Oh well, another world...

Snotbag

So I was in the window at work (behind the window getting stock, not actually in the window) when I see a woman waiting to be served. I go over and ask if she needs help. This is how the conversation goes

~*~

Can I help at all?

Give me the pearls at £30.

Oh yes, those have actually been reduced to £15 now.

Why? What's wrong with them?

Nothing, They've just been reduced for a limited time.

OK, Get them.

~*~

I'm a tad bit annoyed at the rudeness but collect the pearls and put them on the counter. Smiling all the while, I explain that they're cultured pearls, RRP of £55 pound, and look lovely on.

The conversation continues

~*~

No those aren't the ones in the window.

Oh, well these are the only ones for that price but I'll...

I'll show you the ones in the window, they're the ones I want.

~*~

As of yet, no smiles, no happiness. I follow her with my own forced smile out into the window display. She points out the very pair I'd shown her 4 seconds ago. I explain this information and tell her that it's just because of the lighting in the display and the fact the pearls are close to the light.

It continues again

(please visualise this woman as slim, plum coloured coat, sucking lemon mouth, and a look on her face as if she can smell dirty nappies and feet all the time.)

~*~

Bring out that string you gave me earlier and we'll see if they are the same shall we?

Honestly, they are the same but as all pearls are unique, each string will look slightly different.

Well I want the one out the window.

I can get it but it will be the same I'm afraid (by this time I can't be bothered to sugar coat my words anymore.)

Get those, I want those. If they are the same, you wont mind swapping them over will you?

~*~

by this point, the queue has managed to grow beyond the front door and all the other customers are looking ether bored or pained to see me endure this sarcasm from Snotbag.

~*~

So, into the locked room behind the window. I stand on tip toes and reach to get the pearls down. I hold the window ones against the other ones. Shock horror, they are the same. I'm half tempted to take the same pair out just to get a little kick out of what has become a chore of a sale. But I'm stopped before I can do my evil plan laugh 

~*~

My work mate pops her head around the door and says "put it back, she's buggered off. Snotty cow."

Apparently I'd taken too long (about 25 seconds) I was useless and she was going somewhere where the sales assistant knew her job.

~*~

Deep breath, smile, put pearls back.

~*~

So the ordeal with Snotbag was over. And I'd just started to like her. I put the pearls back in the window and turn to walk away. Then, as a final finale piece....

~*~

The clock falls off the wall and hits me on the head.

Carol Singers

A group of about 20 school children were outside my shop for three days this week singing Christmas songs and raising money. Now for the first 10 minutes this is cute, but when the children only have a four song repertoire, it soon gets a tad bit annoying. After half an hour I've heard Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells, Frosty The Snowman and 12 Day of Christmas four times. by the fourth round, 12 days becomes a bit mumbled.

~*~

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

9 laleezdanzi

8 mazamillen

7 swazzarswi'i (getting faster)

6 geezalain

FIVE GOLD RINGS!!!!!!

4 corlyburs (faster)

3 frenchends (faster)

2 turrledoes (lightening speed)

AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEE!

~*~

We also got a Simpson version of Rudolph (words in caps are shouted)

~*~

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it

You would even say it glowed (LIKE A LIGHT BULB)

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and cal him names (LIKE PINOCCHIO)

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games (LIKE MONOPOLY)

~*~

Bless, they were there almost all day. Poor fund raising, mumbling, excitable nippers.

~*~

One other thing, the label on my smoothie reads as follow (next to the ingredients list)

Non Sick Note

Dear Boss/teacher/__________

This note is to clarify that _______has not eaten chocolate spread out the jar, made crisp sandwiches or pretended that wearing jogging bottoms to the shop counts as exercise for over a week.

They have also consumed the entire contents of this bottle. thus ticking 2 of their 5-a-day. 58% of their RDA of vitamin C and some fibre. Plus they are thinking about going to boxercise with Carol on Tuesday.

Therefore, please accept this note as permission to have next ______day/afternoon off in return for their excellent healthy behavior.

Yours Sincerely

Innocent.

~*~

This made my entire week.

~*~

(Note courtesy of Innocent Smoothies.)