Fashion Faux-Pas. (Flashdance style)

I have to wear black to work. So today I'm in a black dress with a black belt, black cardigan, black tights and black shoes. (My pants are blue but that's neither here nor there.)

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Very ordinary yeah? Well if it helps, I got to half four before realising  that from the knees down I looked like someone out of fame!

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For some reason, my tights are extra-ordinarily shiny and black and kind of look like shiny disco dancing leggings.

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But that's not too bad right?

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Instead of my usual heels, I'm wearing black brogues. So alongside the uber shiny leggings, they look like jazz pumps. So from the knees up, she's a conservative well presented jeweller. From the knees down?

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She's a maniac, Maaaniac!

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This is added to the fact I dropped toothpaste down my top this morning and got to half 11 before realising I looked like I was lactating. Also that I got dressed and out of the flat before noticing the hole in the sleeve of my cardigan. Ooh and that my hair is too soft today to do anything with and looks slightly like something out of Thundercats. And the zip on my bag broke yesterday.... I think that's it.

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Maybe tomorrow I'll break out in a rash on my forehead.

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Nah, that might make me look like a normal human. We can't have that.

So Apparently...

So apparently I'm an information desk

People come into my shop all the time and ask me things I either don't know or don't care about.

"Where's the nearest toilets?" "what time does TK Maxx close today?" "what's the fastest bus to Silverburn?" And these are only a few. I sell jewellery, I do not give out free tours around the city centre. There is an information desk just around the corner. Bugger off and use it.

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So apparently I'm a liar.

A woman comes in and asks if she can get a link taken out of her watch. I apologise and say we unfortunately can't as we don't have the equipment. She then changes into Satan's mother in law and snaps back 'Well, the girl in your shop in East Kilbride did it for me so you can too!' I inform her that we don't have a shop in East Kilbride and that's when things get very...ggggrrr. She (quote) bought it from our shop in East Kilbride and I'm just being difficult.  Then she takes a watch we don't sell out of her bag and a receipt from a completely different shop. I explain this to her and she grabs the receipt out of my hand and says, 'Well it looks the same in here. Either you or the girl in your East Kilbride shop is a liar!' The venom in the last word of that sentence made me raise my eyebrows slightly too high. 'Forget it, I'll just go back to your East Kilbride shop!'

'Sorry but like I said, we don't have a shop there.'

Nope, I'm just white noise to her now.

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So apparently I'm a lesbian

I'm standing in the stir fry section in Tesco and a chap in his sixties stands beside me with some vegetables and noodles.

'Do you think this would be enough for two?' he asks me

'Well, that's how much me and my partner have and that's the right amount for us.'

A small pause

'And..is..she a big eater?'

Damn the word 'partner'!

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So apparently it's OK to let your child draw over our white wall with black crayon.

Enough said about this one really. God bless WD40

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So apparently I'm coming home in less than a fortnight.

This is true. and I can't wait. My Steffi and Gary are coming up next Wednesday then I'm off home with them on the Saturday. Anyone reading this who wants to pop round and say hi just let me know. (Obviously I need to actually know you. Apparently I've got people as far as Russia and Australia reading this. No offence and thanks for reading but I'd rather spend time with people I know. ta)

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So apparently this blog has a purpose.

No, I don't think so either.

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Ta

The Census

Ten years ago I was 13. I was studying at City Of Portsmouth Girls School and thinking about what colour I wanted my bedroom.

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Fast forward ten years and I'm in my own flat, I'm out of school and in a job, I'm in a different country. My how things change when you don't pay attention.

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The first part was pretty easy. Yes I live with a partner. Yes we rent a self contained flat from a letting agency. No there's no one else staying with us on the night of the 27th March. But then it starts getting a bit personal.

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I'm ok, I'm in full time employment. It's McBride who suffers. Being a full time student, this is the order of the questions he must answer

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Last week were you:~

Working as an employee

Working self employed

A bunch of other options

None of the above.

McBride ticks none of the above.

Are you actively seeking work?

No

Are you awaiting to start a job that has already been aranged?

No

Have you EVER worked?

Well, bit rude! Not only has the poor guy lost an hour of his weekend, he's being judged but a paper questionaire. All he wanted was a nice lesurely weekend.

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Wonder Woman

OK, so this is barely long enough a story to make a proper post with but it's made my entire week so I'll add descriptive padding.

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So It's Sunday. After sipping freshly ground coffee beans ( a present from India) and munching on 6 slices of toast. McBride and I ponder on what to have for dinner. I know, discussing one meal as soon as another is complete. Utter madness.

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We decide on spaghetti bolognaise so I prepare myself to go to Iceland (the store not the country) to get vitals. Mince, mushrooms and of course red wine. This is where the story really starts.

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Picture my attire, if you will. Brown brogues, jeans, a new coat (A beautiful Fenchurch treasure reduced to £25) and a red 'Wonder Woman' t-shirt. I leave my building and head towards the main road. Iceland is only around the corner so I'm actually only outside for about  four minutes but it's four minutes I will remember forever.

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There are two men outside the bookies. One is pointing at me and dancing as I walk towards him. I'm listening to Jamie T on my iPod as this moment and can't understand why he's smiling and dancing so much. Is it so loud that he can here it? I'm at a line in 'Sticks 'n Stones' that goes

'With the boys across the platform shouting "Lightweight P***k"..'

So I'm really hoping they can't hear it. I fumble in my pocket and press pause but the guy continues to dance. This is what I hear. (Imagine the Glaswegian accents please. It makes it more funny)

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Wonder Woman's coming pal.

I can see pal

Yeah, Wonder woman... Then he breaks into the dance again and sings a theme tune. Only it's not the Wonder Woman theme. It's the A Team theme. Daa da da daa, da da daaa.

That's not Wonder Woman! you t**t, that's the song from Indiana Jones!

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The dancing and singing finally stops and I continue to Iceland, do my shopping and head back. They're still outside and like deja'vu, he begins again. Daa da da daa, da da daa. His mate is now chatting with someone else. But turns and says 'No, that's not right you t**t' (nice term of endearment there) He then turns to his mate and asks how the theme tune to Wonder Woman goes. Genuine answer from new boy?

'Wonder Woman? Is that the woman who's a cat?'

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I love it when a plan comes together.

Things I've worked out recently

1: The fewer manners you have, the more manners you demand.

 Come in, be arrogant, shout/swear/spit if you feel the need. Just don't give me a disgusted look if I get a little sarcastic/blunt. You don't automatically gain respect in any other walk of life. A shop floor is no different. Be rude to me, I'm not bothered, but don't demand respect when you haven't earned it.

2: Everyone has the same ring tone.

You hear it loud and clear. that familiar iPhone sound. It's usually either 'Strum' or 'Old Phone' (You can tell I'm an appleaddict) and without fail, half of the people in close proximity take their phone out of their pocket, myself included.

3: Language is changing.

Conversations seem to start with 'Yeah, no...' and finish with 'know what I mean?'

People say 'lol' instead of actually laughing.

Words with more than three syllables are rarely used in day to day conversations, and if by chance these words are present, they are often shortened.

Many words roll into one. I don't know become idunno.

4: The most universal lie in the world ever.

I have read and understand the terms and conditions. Tick

5: Technology isn't always a step forward.

I give you the Kindle. 'Buy once, read anywhere.' What like a book?

6: Glasgow is still in the grip of winter.

The weather men and the met office boffins has forecast more snow for us within the next week or so. My blankets are being used more than my tea cups. I miss my maxi dresses and sunglasses.

7: Time flies too quickly.

I've been here over six months. We're already a quarter of the way through 2011. I'll be 25 next year. McBride has got his braces off after 18 months. Tomorrow we'll be closer the this weekend than last weekend.

8: There's no real point to this post.

But thanks for reading.

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The Walk To Work

My house is on a corner. So obviously turn the corner onto the main road. That's step one.

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Past the bus stop crowded with people waiting for a bus that will come around the corner completely packed. Onwards towards 'The Corner Of Doom' In which you must try and cross before someone with what must be a broken indicator swings round and hits you. (It's amazing how many people around here have broken indicators) If completed with all limbs, continue along the main road.

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Walk past a building site and try to avoid eye contact with the scary builder on the top level. He will wolf whistle if you look in his direction. Keep eyes towards the ground or use this moment to change the song on your iPod/check messages/facebook/that new piece of gum on the pavement. Never look up until you reach the next bus stop.

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Continue walking past the block of flats that has as many 'to let' signs as it has broken windows. Lovely stuff. For added effect, check out the litter in the forecourts. Classy. If anyone exits from these flats, repeat previous advice about checking phone/floor. Eye contact can lead to fist/face contact. (What a beautiful picture I'm painting. It's actually not like that at all, well, it's a mess but no one ever goes in, no one ever comes out so you're OK there)

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Past the Barra's. (if travelling on a Saturday, marvel at the bargain shops in the Barra's market and watch with glee as the old guy in the beanie tries to assemble his market stand with one hand while the other holds a can of Buckfast). Alternatively you can look on the other side of the road at the 'Adult Clothing Shop' which stocks the very best in fetish wear and sexy..erm... insect costumes. (seriously, that's what's in the window). There's also a bin outside that has the graffiti 'End Israel Apartheid' Which may be a good point but I've got a bumble bee costume to buy!

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Over the road and into Trongate. This is wear it started to get a little busier and you are now in the city centre. Stroll past the Italian place that's 'Under New Management' but never open. Wander past the chip shop where the guy behind the counter has a recording contract. (Honestly he has, he was on 'The One Show' and has a fabulous voice) Walk past the scariest cherub statue you will EVER see. It's like a baby Mat Lucas with bug eyes and a crooked creepy smile. None of that cuddly cuteness you get with Mr Lucas. God it's awful. Pass the amusement arcade with the singing bingo caller, the art gallery, the Tron Theatre, a Greggs,  an old fashioned sweet shop, the odd drunk, a guy who stands outside TG Huges selling papers, one of the few McDonalds that opens at 5 (to my knowledge) and onto Argyle street.

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Buskers: guitar players, break dancers, an old lady with an accordion, a five year old on a set of drums, bag pipers, football skills, sax players, harpist, opera singers, string quartets, jazz singers, Bible preachers, Scottish dancers, human statues, balloon animal maker type people to name a few all the way through Argyle Street, up Buchanan Street and round in Sauchihall Street.

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People ask me why I moved here. Right now, the walk to work is in the top ten reasons.

How To Make Fajitas

Instructions on box

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• Coat chicken in oil and seasoning mix. (For a milder fajita use less seasoning)
• Heat a heavy based frying pan until very hot. Add the chicken and fry for about 3 minutes until well browned.
• Add onions and peppers and cook for a further 2 minutes or until meat is cooked.
• Serve with warm tortillas and salsa
• Roll up and enjoy! (there's actually an exclamation mark here, I didn't put it in)

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V and McFarley way

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• Order an Asda delivery to be delivered between 6 and 8
• Unpack delivery once I arrives at five to 8.
• Take out bins quickly to create more space.
• Assume you've been locked out of the back door due to McFarley using the wrong key. Walk around to front of house and get back in the building.
• Indulge in some rather strange host/guest role reversal as V cuts up all the food and McFarley just holds the frying pan and stirs the chicken with a fish slice.
• Wonder why it's so blinking hot in the kitchen before realising that two people, one cooker and one heater all working in a kitchen no bigger than a five foot creates a fair bit of heat. Turn on extractor fans and open the window.
• Suggest the addition of grated cheese. (V goes to cupboard to take out grater and finds the 'Worlds Sharpest Knife' flying towards her face in a desperate big to either be used or escape. McFarley helps out greatly by standing at the frying pan and yelling 'THAT'S A KNIFE!' Very useful)
• Check V has no scars and check there's no blood on floor/V/food.
• Forget until almost the last minute to put the tortillas in the oven to warm, (McFarley swears a little too loudly)
• Cook everything with no added salmonella and enjoy! (I added that one)