Random Thoughts and Musings

OK, let's face it, that last blog was somewhat depressing. I apologise. I was just having one of those days.

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Today is a better day. The last few days have been better days. I spent Saturday night dressed as Penfold, a hobby I'm thinking about taking up. Maybe do a kind of Watchmen spin off, Dress in a costume and go around fighting crime. It could catch on.

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I'm having a MASSIVE upload session at the moment. Putting back all the magic that my computer lost when it went doolally. People like Bon Ivor, Fleet Foxes and The Hot Puppies. All people I would highly recommend for audio pleasure. My Iphone has been lacking in music of late and it's my bid to get it back up to scratch before my 7 hours train trip back from Scotland next month.

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Ah yes, that trip. On the 13th McBride and I will be flying to Scotland. On the 18th, I'll be travelling back on my own. Back to Portsmouth, with no one to wake up next to.

People keep asking me if I'm OK. When I say yes, the response is always the same "Really?" And I say, "Yes, I'm OK now because he's still here, still my Dangermouse, still my best friend." It's all going to be OK and Until the times comes when I have to get on the 11:30 train home, I'll be fine. There's a hefty bridge to cross at that point but I can't cross that until I get to it. And before that, I have a Birthday party, a BBQ, A Stock take, A Play, And lots of hugs.

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Yep, I'll be fine

Where's my sunshine?

It's August...apparently!

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So far, my 'summer' has consisted of suspected swine flu which turned out to be sheer exhaustion, a trip up to Kettering to stock take the warehouse, copious amounts of work and a lot of umbrella usage! No, this is not what I signed up for on the 'Summer' rota! Did everyone else get first pick and I was left last? It feels like it.

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I did the race for life the other week. It was weird doing it without Steffi but I had so much reason to run this year that I just had to do something.

A couple of weeks before the run, My Grandad got told he had cancer in both his lung and his brain. So I ran round the seafront angry at this disgusting disease that's picking my family and grabbing hold of them one by one. I know there's a million people out there in the same scenario, and even worse ones, but the run was my own personal knee to the stomach towards that C word which no one in my family seems to say around me. The keep changing the subject, trailing off or stopping all together. "Ooh, don't say Cancer around you know who, she's lost one grandad and in the middle of it with another!"

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Sorry, I don't know why I type these things, I think it's just a way to get it out in the open. I think it explains my behavior around my friends recently. I've been very poorly this past week and that, added to this personal battle, is making me slightly distant, looking tired, stressed, down. I must say that this is just a phase, I will get back to how I was. I won't let myself get into this state where I feel nothing. It's not like me.

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And anyway, I've got six weeks left to show the boy I love how much I completely adore him.

Then he's off and I'm here to deal with it all. I think that's when I'll need my friends more than ever so It's not right that I should shut them out now. It's not fair on them, they've done nothing wrong.

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But that's the thing, no ones done anything wrong. Not me, not my grandad, my nan, my friends. It's funny how sadness affects different people. Some people shout and scream, others cry, other go numb. Me? I act normal, well, I try but I fail. So I end up acting the way I talked about earlier. If I've acted this way around you, I apologise.

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This is a bit of an odd post. It's a ramble that doesn't know how to end. So I'll end on a happier note.

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It was the Bench's 40th anniversary yesterday and McBride and I performed a scene from 'His Dark Materials', The play where we met, and for that 10 minutes we were on stage together, I couldn't have thought of a more perfect place to be. In the arms of my hero, with my friends around me, supporting me, on a stage doing one of things I love most.

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Now that makes my smile.

North

I'm in Scotland, typing this post out on a teeny weeny mac book. Which, if I do say so myself is the cutest little thing I've ever checked my facebook page on in my life.

Went to my favourite cake shop yesterday whilst walking around Edinburgh with Mr McBride. Check back on earlier posts if unaware of what I'm talking about, I ended up spending a tenner on cake. But (before i sound like a total heffer) that did include four slices of cake, a big bag of mixed bonbons and an Irn Bru (gotta stick with these Scottish traditions haven't we?) So I don't personally think that a tenner is a huge amount for what I got. You may think different, you may think "FAT COW! PUT DOWN THE FORK AND GO FOR A RUN!"

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What else? Well we flew here, which was a novelty, i was doped up on Valium but the flight whizzed by i think. no sooner where we at 10,000 feet then we were descending again. it was weird that we were at the other end of the country in just over an hour. Even if we were slightly delayed and had to endure Big Brother in the airport waiting room.

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Off into Glasgow tomorrow for McBride to look at houses and sign up to local doctors and dentists. Me and Liz Bird are heading to the shops while he dosses around dental practices. Primark is already calling me but All i can think about is "weight allowance, only 10kg allowed in hand luggage." But that thought is soon followed by "oh sod it. I'll just wear all the clothes I buy, they don't weigh me!" I can waddle through passport control and metaphorically give a two finger gesture and blow a raspberry! "Ha ha, got one over on you, angry person laughing at my passport photo."

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Saying Goobye

I did it. I told the children I teach that I won't be back after the summer holidays. I thought it was going to be an easy job. A short sentence that consisted of 'sorry guys but I won't be back in September' but as I looked at them, I would rather had said ANYTHING else. So I fumbled for words and spat them out through what I won't admit were pulled back tears. It wasn't until I was sat there in front of them that I realised how much they all mean to me. How much we've grown, it's odd but I don't really want to leave them. If only the arts centre weren't so annoying. I'll miss those kids more than I thought. ~*~ But I am off the Scotland in 3 weeks. McBride needs to find a house and I need to visit the Glasgow Primark! Two reasons to get exited. Well, until I realise once again that I'm losing this beautiful boy to this beautiful city. I have moments like this but soon shuffle them off to the corner of my mind. For now anyway. At least I don't have to say goodbye to him just yet. Thankfully.

Bus Journeys

Past Kwik Fit (or however it's spelt) through London Road shops. Look into MacDonalds to see if anyone's brave enough. Past Mark Antony's hair dressing (with it's lack of customers and a broken window covered in MDF) Round the corner. Past wacky warehouse. Down Mile End ( with the blocks of flats with different coloured panelling) Into town. Look in Greggs, Look at deals in Iceland's window. Off into Queens Street. Stop for ten minutes at traffic lights (watch black birds in bushes outside Victoria park) Past newest developments (wish to be rich enough to live there.) Marvel and the little subway that's always empty but always clean as a pin. Round the corner at the Dockyard. (stare at the millions of Foreign Exchange Students) Into the hard. Off the bus. Walk past the 'no pedestrians past this point' sign. Under the tunnel. Past the constantly singing Bob the Builder ride. Into shop

~*~ I've done this journey one too many times

Turning round for less than a pound

Today we went to Conwy falls. Earlier in the week, we went to Swallow falls. At both waterfalls, we were met with a turn stile and a £1 fee. However, both times, we got in for half price or less.

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We got up especially early to go to Swallow falls on Tuesday, knowing only too well how busy half term can be at 'free' attractions. We pulled into the layby and got out our funky trekking trainers, back packs and big bottles of water. I remembered from last time that the walk from the bottom was both long and slightly tiring...oh...we have to pay...Oh, It only takes pound coins.

Crap.

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Between the six of us, Only Mr McBride had any change on him. And that change consisted of three 20 pence pieces, some coppers and two pound coins. Crap

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So me and steffi squeezed into the turn stile and drop in the coin before slowely stumbling round and out the other side. Thats two in for the price of one! Mr McBride gave Auntie Lin his second pound coin then walked around to find a seven foot fence whcih he and Trevortrevortrevor clambered over. That left Gary and Auntie Lin squashing backpacks and squeezing together to somehow get through. So thats six for the price of two. Now thats a bargain!

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Five minutes later we were out again! all that was left was the waterfall itself. Pretty as it was, it wasn't the same without the lovely long walk that shuffles alongside it. Never mind. Conwy Falls...oh

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Another turn stile! another squeeze! This time we got in for exactly half price, going through like the animals in the ark. Luckily this time we had a pleasant enough walk towards the waterfall. But when we got there, Health and Safety had stomped all over it and put a fence right back so you couldn't get near enough to get a decent picture! no risk in anything these days.

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On the way out, we stopped in the cafe for a drink. This was when we realised that the front door of the cafe (we came in the back door, just to clarify) lead right out to the carpark. If we wanted, we could have walked through the cafe to get to the walk, no turn stile needed!

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Hind sights a wondeful thing!

So here I am, sitting in a farmhouse kitchen, eating pringles and staring out at the mountain range that tiptoes behind my back garden. I sit here, typing away, knowing full well that by seven o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll be up, cooking eggs and getting ready for what I'm sure will be a bloody exhausting day. yet there's not been a single minute so far that I've regretted.

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I apologise, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm in Wales, in a cottage on the very border of the Snowdonia National Park. My feet ache, My legs hurt, My nose is slightly sun burnt and I've pulled a muscle in my right arm, but i can honestly say i don't give a s***

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Because I climbed Mount Snowdon on Sunday. After 8 hours being cramped in the back of a Ford Escort on Saturday, My and my family trekked up the 1085 metres that is the highest mountain in England and Wales. ~*~

I'm sure God was looking down on us yelling "Day of rest guys, that's why i invented the bloody day, as a day of rest!" But all the same, I, along with my Mr McBride, the ones they call Steffi and Gary, as well as Auntie Lin And Trevortrevortrevor, made it to the top.

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Now, I'd like to say that it was easy. But it really really wasn't. There were times when i actually didn't think i could move my right foot in front of my left. The ground was steep, then uneven, then covered in loose slate, then muddy, then slippy. Added to that was the fact that Sunday was predicted to be the only 'good weather' day of the half term week. Because of this, half the country set out alongside us.

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We got three quarters of the way up when it got too much for Auntie Lin. So unfortunately, we left her with a large bottle of water on the grass and stumbled the last mile. And the moment we reached the top, I realised the sheer force the human spirit can have.

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From about half way up, the only thing keeping my going was the thought in my head "you've come this far, you cant bloody stop now." It amazed my, watching the frowning pained faces of everyone how much strength and determination a person can pull together when faced with a challenge.

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From the top, the view was... I don't actually think there's a word, beautiful? breathtaking? stunning? I don't know, I just know that every little bit of me felt so totally...chuffed. I could look over the range and think to myself "I worked bloody hard for this." The adrenaline rush was immense. Either that or it was the very steep peak that made my heart beat so flipping fast. ~*~

Two minutes after heading back down, we were met with a very tired looking Auntie Lin on a rock just round the corner from the peak. After watching the rest of us soldier on, She had made it to the top, at her own pace. and I think that made me smile more than any of the views I experienced at the top. My own feat was shadowed by this lady, who, like the tortoise, took her time and got to the top. Like she said "I was not going to let it beat me. I was not going to get that far then call it a day." ~*~

You see, Human spirit.

Sorry, that was quite long. Thank you for sticking with me.

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Oh, halfway down, we saw a guy who was at least 70 ambling up and a comfortable place. But, another day, another story.